he has cheated in the past
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| Sun, 03-21-2004 - 5:14am |
I need some advice. I meet a man on the internet and we have been living together for about two months. During the time we were talking and saying we loved each other, he was still cyber dating other women. he never saw any of them (I have confirmed this) but he was telling them he loved them too. He tells me that he met me after the other lady and that once he met me he knew it was me that he wanted, but he had a hard time letting her go. He has not talked to her for three months, two months before we moved in together. I found out three months after he stopped talking to her. I forgave him because I did make him feel insecure about me really going through with the move, i.e. changing my mind all the time. And the fact he never slept with her and that he stopped talking to her when he knew we were going to be together.
here is the kicker. After much "research" I found out he has cheated in several relationships. As a matter-of-fact I am not sure he has ever been faithful. He says he is ready now, he is 27, and that he knows I am the one for him. Since living together he has never given me a reason for me not to trust him, but sometimes I feel like it is just a matter of time.
I am not one to stay with a cheater. I have been cheated on twice and left each time. So I know it is not that I am willing to put up with it. But, I am afraid to throw an otherwise good relationship away just because I think he might cheat cause he has done it to others in the past! HELP!
Thank you!

"Hi, my name is (name withheld) and I'm a cheater. I've cheated in both relationships I've been in that lasted longer than a year."
Ask your man why he cheated. I'm not suggesting any answer is a good one, but it's a question I've had to answer to my OW, and it's certainly one she has every right to ask.
Asking if I'll do it again would mean I just say "no" and move on. Asking why I did it in the first place was brilliant and showed me she really has an interest in making us work.
I told her and I was completely honest. Then she asked how she could help keep me from repeating previous behavior. She didn't warn me or threaten me, she just listened. She cheated in her M years ago as well, and she told me how to keep that from happening again. Personally, I think it will extremely easy for us to stay faithful because we've been completely honest upfront.
For both of us infidelity grew from similar roots of giving but not receiving amongst other things. We believe our natures match very closely in one or two very important areas that should really diminish the urge to seek attention elsewhere.
But if we hadn't had that discussion we'd probably always wonder.
rain
I guess I wouldn't assume he will cheat. If you do this, you could end up jeopardizing any relationship you are ever in. You have to put faith in him and trust that he won't hurt you. Certainly this makes you vulnerable, but that is part of loving someone. If you don't take that risk, you'll never truly be able to love. And that isn't a life worth living. Try to put your doubts away and move on. Jealousy and doubts are common but you can't let them consume you. Trust me, I know this from experience. I wish you all the luck in the world. Take care.
Edited 4/27/2004 10:27 am ET ET by julietsfate