he has cheated in the past

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2004
he has cheated in the past
4
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 5:14am
Hi

I need some advice. I meet a man on the internet and we have been living together for about two months. During the time we were talking and saying we loved each other, he was still cyber dating other women. he never saw any of them (I have confirmed this) but he was telling them he loved them too. He tells me that he met me after the other lady and that once he met me he knew it was me that he wanted, but he had a hard time letting her go. He has not talked to her for three months, two months before we moved in together. I found out three months after he stopped talking to her. I forgave him because I did make him feel insecure about me really going through with the move, i.e. changing my mind all the time. And the fact he never slept with her and that he stopped talking to her when he knew we were going to be together.

here is the kicker. After much "research" I found out he has cheated in several relationships. As a matter-of-fact I am not sure he has ever been faithful. He says he is ready now, he is 27, and that he knows I am the one for him. Since living together he has never given me a reason for me not to trust him, but sometimes I feel like it is just a matter of time.

I am not one to stay with a cheater. I have been cheated on twice and left each time. So I know it is not that I am willing to put up with it. But, I am afraid to throw an otherwise good relationship away just because I think he might cheat cause he has done it to others in the past! HELP!

Thank you!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:54am
I'm starting to feel like all I do is confess character flaws here...

"Hi, my name is (name withheld) and I'm a cheater. I've cheated in both relationships I've been in that lasted longer than a year."

Ask your man why he cheated. I'm not suggesting any answer is a good one, but it's a question I've had to answer to my OW, and it's certainly one she has every right to ask.

Asking if I'll do it again would mean I just say "no" and move on. Asking why I did it in the first place was brilliant and showed me she really has an interest in making us work.

I told her and I was completely honest. Then she asked how she could help keep me from repeating previous behavior. She didn't warn me or threaten me, she just listened. She cheated in her M years ago as well, and she told me how to keep that from happening again. Personally, I think it will extremely easy for us to stay faithful because we've been completely honest upfront.

For both of us infidelity grew from similar roots of giving but not receiving amongst other things. We believe our natures match very closely in one or two very important areas that should really diminish the urge to seek attention elsewhere.

But if we hadn't had that discussion we'd probably always wonder.

rain



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:26am
That's a perfect response raining. Why is a question I'm sure he has answered to himself already a thousand times. Although I have to admit that for me it took me years to realize why I had done what I did. I like to think of myself as a good and moral person. But I cheated on my W multiple times. I rationalized, I made excuses, I tried to convince myself it didn't matter if it was just sex. Ultimately though, I felt horrible about myself and hated what I was doing. I stopped about three years ago but never really understood why I had done these things. I have since realized that it wasn't sex I was seeking, but emotional closeness and communication. I just didn't want to face the fact that my marriage wasn't what I wanted and needed it to be. So I had physical affairs to try to fill the void. Now that I know why I had affairs, I am comfortable saying and knowing that I will not cheat again. In fact, I'll make sure to avoid any situation that would even present the opportunity (I used to seek these situations out). I'm not a fool and I know that in any relationship there are ups and downs. But I've made a commitment to myself so that when I make a commitment to another, I know I will be faithful.

I guess I wouldn't assume he will cheat. If you do this, you could end up jeopardizing any relationship you are ever in. You have to put faith in him and trust that he won't hurt you. Certainly this makes you vulnerable, but that is part of loving someone. If you don't take that risk, you'll never truly be able to love. And that isn't a life worth living. Try to put your doubts away and move on. Jealousy and doubts are common but you can't let them consume you. Trust me, I know this from experience. I wish you all the luck in the world. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:27am
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Edited 4/27/2004 10:27 am ET ET by julietsfate
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 10:16am
Amy - I guess I would also ask myself why I felt compelled to do 'research' on him. Probably because you've been hurt before. I'm just trying to say that you should guard against holding your own former bad relationships against him. I'm not trying to justify what he's done in the past, just offering another perspective for you to think about. It probably sounds funny considering our situations, but trust is a big part of our relationship with our OM/OW.