He has a GF - I slept w/ him twice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
He has a GF - I slept w/ him twice
9
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 9:56pm
Okay here is my story. . . I'm really upset w/ myself & this has made me feel low as dirt.

I met this guy at a friend's party last weekend and we slept together that night at my place. Well the thing is, he has a GF. He told me that in the beginning I guess trying to explain what his intentions are from the get go, but I was a little drunk, not thinking correctly and went thru w/ the sex and all. So then we have been talking here and there since thne and its mostly sexual talk , some serious talk and he took me out to dinner last night and AGAIN I slept with him. Okay so here's the kicker......I think I like have a problem. This is not right to do - why did i sleep with him again? , I mean he has a GF who he lives with, they have been together for 6 years ( yea they are not married ) and he lives like in the same area as me too - ironically. So I think he is very attractive and the sex is awesome! But I have cried to him and told him that I cannot just have sex w/ him, i guess that woman in me, is too attached in a way and doesnt/cant be attached to him because he has a GF obviously and he's not going anywhere. He wants a sex buddy bascially. That makes me feel so dirty! Lke out of my nature ! But we have discussed that he feels so upset that he has upset me this much ( i guess he isnt used to that type of reaction? - scary that some women are so open to have sex and move on, but i guess we're all different right ) So now it's like okay we are just 'friends w/ no sex.' I know that if we continue the sex it will just get worse.

Get this though......after having the sex with me, seeing me go through the pain and tears in such a short amount of time that we've known each other, he tells me this - - that he is starting to see that maybe this screwing around and cheating on his GF thing is NOT a good idea. So i'm assuming i am to be the one that opens his eyes? I dont know if i should smile or cry, because its like gee thanks ! I mean im one for morals but it is like gee thx. What about my feelings?

Exactly right? What about my feelings. I feel like this head over the bag chick (( although he repeatedly said i was not - but he'd say that right ))

My gosh i think im too smart for this stuff and here I go again w/ the confusion. Sometimes I want to fall to my knees crying as to when i'll meet and BE w/ a man who is SINGLE!!

** my track record - - last year i ended a 1 1/2 year affair w/ a married man.

If anyone, anyone at all can please feed some advice, etc or if you had an similair experience. I'd greatly appreciate it. Im really hurting. Although I know im not the only one, but I am just asking for some help.

Thank you :(

Tammy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 10:12pm
hi tammy, i am replying more because i want you to at least hear from someone, cause you sound so sad. however i think it is obvious that this guy wants a "booty call" not a relationship. don't go on and on about why you slept with someone who has a girlfreind, he is not married, so he is the only one who has done something wrong here. if you need a freind and a sex buddy he is the perfect guy. you do not sound like that kind of person though. some people like having sex buddies while looking for a mate cause it can get lonely being single. the point being this is all this guy can offer you, you want it take it, you don't, move on honey, you did not do anything that bad.good luck sweetie.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 10:20pm
Thank you

So I didnt do anything wrong really huh. Yea he is not married so i see what youre saying. Yea I guess some people can just use a sex buddy. I dunno, i'll take it day by day. It is just sad though. I cant believe people just do that sort of thing. But oh well. We'll see I guess.

I mean the sex is good though lol ( sorry TMI )

Thanks again hon

Tam

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 10:28pm
You are welcome.

I dated my husband for 4 years and we've been married for 8. It seems to me that our morals are a lot higher when we are single sometimes. I guess that is a testing period, no one wants to mess up when they haven't won the price yet!! there are a million things i thought we're disgusting 10 years ago that i am a lot more accomodating of now. But this is really nothing to beat yourself up over. If the sex was bad then that would be a different matter!lol!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 8:01am
You need therapy. You go for men who are already attached rather than men who are single. You have that come close stay away thing going on. You are afraid of committment that is why you self sabatoge your relationships by entering hopeless dead end ones to begin with. Dr. Phil says if they do it with you they will do it to you. Duh. It's not rocket science here. You want a long lasting loving relationship? Then act right. Do the right thing. There are plenty of single men out there. And instead of falling on your knees crying about the hole you keep digging yourself, why not fall on your knees to pray. Get God and morality in your life. Then, watch things fall into place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 8:29am
Angel - thank you soo much , i feel so much better now !

Do you NOT think that I DONT KNOW that I need to get myself out of that rut , BUT um no actually I dont think I'm afraid of committment ~ all I did was have sex w/ this guy who chose to have sex w/ me even though he had a GF.

I think he needs the therapy more than me when it comes to whose at fault here. I mean hello, he has a long track record - he like cheats on his GF like it was a 2nd hobby or something. Someone I would def. not want to hook up with this guy long term.

I know it's not rocket science - i'm smarter than this, that is why i am kicking myself now. But really i shouldnt i guess. Just move on and learn my lesson.

I have got a mixed bag on this from friends, etc. Some say he is at fault mostly and that I should just pick up and move on. I hurt because I know i'm better than this and I dont want to feel like this anymore ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 9:18am
You're right -- you aren't to blame here. Honestly, if you look at the men out there, I can't imagine that it would be easy for a single women to date for any length of time without eventually running across a guy that is either married or has a girlfriend. It's never easy to walk away from temptation, but you seem like you're strong enough to know to do that. From now on, I'd just be careful to stay far, far away from anyone who's married or who has a girlfriend. Because once you've gotten physical with them or even gotten to know them, there's no turning back. Your heart gets involved and it's hard to get away. Better not to get involved in the first place until you know they are free and clear. Remember, this is all psychological. LOVE is psychological. You really can talk your mind out of it if you try hard enough. It takes a lot of willpower and time, but focus on the person's bad qualities. Every time you think about them, pick out all the ugly things about them, all the things you hated, and focus on those. Truth is, if you had ended up with this guy, you probably would have wondered what all the fuss was about. Don't we all remember when we first met our husbands how in love we are? Now most of us wonder why we were so head-over-heels... They're just men!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 10:27am
Oh my gosh, that was like the best advice ive been given in a long time. Thank You. And thank you for hearing me out as well. I can completely understand what you said by the psychological thing. And I have been thinking about all the bad things about him, the uglies or what have you. That is what helps me. Yes, I know I will be able to get past him and such. And yes it is very hard to find a decent man out there - - and who BTW is atleast single ! It's so disappointing. And get this - I just love how the women who sleep w/ the men who are taken, are for the majority called the 'sluts' and what ever else they throw out there, but yet the MEN that are already involved, are really let off the hook in a way. That's always how it seems.

I still feel horrible in ways, but time takes its part in healing all the heartache.....and yea I may not really know the guy that well, but I don't think we'd work out anyway....I mean okay, so he has a nice chest, really really nice truck and he's just completely handsome/hot - but it's not worth the ache and pain in the long run. Its like you can go in and have some fun in bed, but what happens when you go on w/ your life, when sitting here at work trying to keep my mind occupied and not on my evil acts w/ a 'taken man'. I just want to bundle up my tear and wish i was just a light switch so to say w/ my feelings, so i wouldnt have to feel so icky inside.

Thanks though, i really appreciate your input.

Take care

tammy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 2:42pm
I minored in psychology and took all the relationship classes and if there was one thing I learned, it was that emotions are what we "label" them. Yes, we might have a physical reaction to something, but if we think it's love, it is. If we think it's hate, that's what it is too. (That's why the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.) If we feel we LOVE a person, it's because we are telling ourselves we love them. And usually when we're in love or convincing ourselves we are, we're only thinking good thoughts about them. So it makes sense that the way to fall out of love is to focus on their bad qualities and only bad qualities. Take my MM for example -- I've known him for a long time and never thought of him as attractive at all. All of a sudden every little thing he does is just SO DARN CUTE. It's ridiculous. Same silly stuff he would have done a year ago that I would have kind of laughed off, now I'm like a lovesick teenager. Why? I blamed it on brainwashing on his part, but really it's just typical of falling in love with someone. Another piece of advice I read was to picture him ten years older, twenty pounds heavier, and with an unattractive balding pattern. That's how he'd look if you stayed with him anyway. And yes, women are often labeled as 'sluts' unfairly. But remember, generally it's the WOMEN who do that to our own gender. We're awful about it. But it has been my experience that often the people who do that are just nosy busybodies who are so darn bored with their lives, they live vicariously through others. Generally you'll find those people GLUED to every detail of whatever it was you did. Why do you think that is? It may sound harsh, but I think a lot of them are just so darn bored with their own lives, women like us provide them a way to live vicariously through us. In short, they are J-E-A-L-O-U-S. Not all of them, but quite a few are probably in boring, passionless marriages and have dreamed of having some wild fling with a hunky guy. They spend their lives fantasizing about Harrison Ford or their preacher or whomever but they would never, ever have the nerve to do anything in real life. Why do you think romance novels, tabloids, and soap operas are so popular with old gossipy ladies?! And maybe it's not nerve as much as morals or whatever, but if they really had morals, why would they be so interested in what you're doing? Wouldn't they be focusing on the good people are doing instead of the supposed "bad?" You have to live your life for YOU and not what everyone else thinks...not even the guy with the hot chest. Get back out there and meet a hot, SINGLE guy and have fun for those of us who are married and can't get over our relationships by meeting someone new.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 2:58pm
Yes I agree w/ the jealousy area. And you know what? When I really think about it, all I really am attracted to him is that he has this hunky-beefy look to him, he's got this bad boy appearance, drives a really really really nice truck and he is a great kisser and is great in bed. I know this is TMI but he has a nice sized penis and i've never slept with someone with such a great feeling as far as stimulation from his penis - size, etc.. I feel weird saying that, but I might as well be blunt and open about it - therefore you can diagnose me as a nypho-weirdo lol no really. I mean , i like sex like the next person. I know sex isnt life, but it was good to sleep w/ him because it was so pleasing & I know he enjoyed it as much as i did. But I know its not a good thing to do nor continue to do for that matter. I feel awful afterwards and I couldnt live my life that way. I just hate that he is this way, that he has that girlfriend. Its like him and I maybe we could be something more if he wasnt the way he is! - having a GF and being a cheater. . . Kind of makes me want to jokingly sulk and pout w/ disappointment , like oh that stinks!

Thanks

Tammy