He left, I left....now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
He left, I left....now what?
5
Fri, 09-19-2008 - 4:55pm

Advice Help!!!Please as i write i dont know what else to do....


I had been married for five years- no children(married young)H cheated on me a week before our wedding- wedding had been postponed and he had an affair before we made it to our year anniversary...i took him back, we pretended nothing had hapened instead of dealing with it- I built a lot of resentment and my self esteem got low (woman was ten years older than me) I am not trying to justify the following but

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2007
Fri, 09-19-2008 - 5:24pm

Obviously these are really big issues so all I can tell you are my feelings about my situation and what I did.


I stayed with my H (husband) for nine months after my affair came to light (I was lying though and not giving full disclosure).

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Fri, 09-19-2008 - 8:20pm

thank u for sharing what you experienced...very helpful!


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Sat, 09-20-2008 - 5:16am

It sounds like you have all the right ideas, and are planning on making some mature decisions.

As a parent myself, the guilt that you feel when you somehow feel that you did less than you could have for your child can be all encompassing. It can really take you over. What he is saying about not even trying to give his M a chance after having a baby, I agree w/ him, and I commend you on being mature enough to encourage something that goes directly and opposing against your most powerful feelings, and needs. But to be truthful, if their marriage couldn't make it w/o kids, it's going to crumble under the pressure and stress of having a new baby. The strongest couples often get sidetracked, and loose focus when a baby comes. If he does go back, of course it's up to you if you want to wait, but I think he will be back. The only thing that worries me is that guilt issue again. Once he forms a bond w/ that baby, which usually takes about two minutes, his feelings of guilt are going to increase as his love for his child grows. While he loves you deeply, his paternal instincts may be even stronger.

I have to tell you I do not envy you. I couldn't stand it if my MM just had a baby w/ his W. Knowing that there are sharing special moments as a family would drive me insane, literally. I couldn't take it. See I am not as mature as you are. I would have two choices 1.demand he leave for good, or 2.leave him alone and not deal w/ him at all. So I commend you on your ability to empathize with him, and the needs of a newborn child. I will say a prayer for you, and I REALLY hope you get what's best for you in the end. Please keep us posted for you will be on my mind. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Sat, 09-20-2008 - 9:49am

I personally do not think it is healthy to pretend to be encouraging if that's not what your heart wants.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 1:54pm

Thanks for your response!


I am being