MM and I emailed yesterday for awhile. Not sure what any of you have read of my posts, but I have cancer. Told MM that one evening in an email about two weeks ago. (told him I would not bore him with details so he has no idea what kind of cancer (ovarian) or how serious it is.) Asked him to keep my illness quiet (we know a ton of the same people) and to also please not run a thousand miles away from me. I said I wanted nothing from him and was not meant to be burdesome to him- just therapeutic (SP?) to me. Anyhow, I told him that he was special and I simply enjoyed being with him. Said he as right, I tell him things because it feels right to do so. Also wanted to cut through everything and let him know he was special to me. DID NOT USE THE "L" WORD AT ALL. NEVER HAVE. Also, told him he was wonderful and I hoped he heard that every day at home. Said he was the one thing at times that made sense to me. Also told him right after that to not freak out or get weird on me. Again, I'm not asking for anything. Told him I felt comfortable around him because he did not pressure me or place expectations on me, etc, etc. Said I did think like a school girl or play games. ANYHOW.... I sent this to him and it seems he did not run away. We have gotten together twice since then. Once for drinks and once for a nice lunch. I asked him via email on monday if he would have any available time this week. Turns out he does not. I am very sad- but I have been feeling crappy all week from my meds. So yesterday he sends a witty little one liner email. I respond back with a generic comment and his response back to me is "You feeling ok today?" When I told him in one simple word back "Nope", his response back to me hurt a little. He emailed back and asked said "do you want me to leave you alone?" This bothered me- he knows I want nothing from me (at least I elude to that) yet why would he ask this? No other friend would bail on me? Anyhow- I came right out and told him that I had been sick all week and his mission, if he chooses it, was/is to tell me something funny to make me laugh. His response- told me he tried to be funny with that one little witty one-liner so he would need me to give him a little time and he would think of something for me.
Anyhow, I left early because I got sick at work and told him I was leaving. Emailed him back and said to send it tomorrow (which is today) as I have another treatment today and his little 'funny' would be more appreciated. We do not discuss my health in person or in emails. Seems he either doesn't give a rip or maybe does not want to pry or maybe does not want to let on that he does care a little??? My girlfriend says he immature by the way he is handling this. I don't know what to make of her thought; after all he and I are both M and have lives to lead. It is not as if he can acknowledge me too much, I guess. What can he do- come to the hospital to see me? My H certainly would question that! So I tend to live in denial about her comment! Although she is probably right maybe....
I don't know anymore... is he pulling back because he wants out? Or because things have changed now that he knows I'm sick? etc? Why would he ask me that ( "do you want me to leave you alone?") Again,I feel hurt by that.
And so far today, nothing from him... I really thought he would send something to make me smile. He has done so in the past (long before he knew I was sick).
Lucky
No email from him as of this writing and he leaves his work in a little over an hour. I feel abandoned to a certain extent. If he wants to end whatever this thing is that we have going on- I wish he would just come out and say it.