he told me - long, sorry.
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| Sun, 12-21-2003 - 9:04pm |
Friday night, we went out with people from our office (we work together)and had a great time, had dinner, flirted constantly...he had been all over me all day. We went out for drinks after dinner. At one point, he told me that he always thinks of the one night we spent together, and how amazing it was to just hold me, and that this was the pain he has been going through, being married with kids, and thinking of me.
The night went on, and unfortunately, I drank way too much and went to the bathroom, feeling sick. He ended up coming into the ladies room and walking me out, taking care of me, letting me sit with my head on his shoulder. Everyone else had pretty much left. As he sat there, he said in my ear, "I love you. And this is one of the only times I will ever tell you that, do you understand?"
He has never told me he loved me. I kinda felt it but never knew for sure, and that was one of our stumbling blocks that he wouldn't tell me. He proceeded to drive me home, but we ended up making love for an hour or two on the way home.
I can't stop thinking of what he said. I can't stop thinking of how he cared for me. I can't stop thinking of the way he looked at me.
I saw him tonight and almost didn't know what to say. He was talking about how he hates himself, how he's depressed...then he was play-fighting with me, grabbing my hands, etc. I could tell although he was mad at himself he was glad I was there with him and that he wanted me. At the end of the night, he kissed me on the head.
I feel even worse today, knowing that he loves me and is tormented. I am tormented. Thanks for listening.

My MM and I have struggled with guilt and desire almost from the beginning. What can I say, I just fell in love with him almost from the beginning. He, however, has always dodged how he has felt...other than hinting around.
Well, to make a long story short....we danced around our feelings for a couple years...and actually had sex about one month ago. Since then, its been hard to get together and talk about it....but I know, as he has alluded to, that he struggles with guilt. He had no intention of leaving his wife of 25+ years, and I have never asked him to, nor do I want to pressure him to think otherwise.
There are many times when I feel like I am just an intruder in his life...but yet, he still keeps coming around (emailing me). We actually met last night for the first time since having sex, and I was hoping that we would talk about "us"...but we never did. He gave a Christmas gift, which was unexpected, and parted ways....and then I tossed and turned all night, thinking of all the things I should've said.
I ended up emailing him this a.m....and telling him everything on my mind. Its a make or break time....I have a deep sense of connection with this man and I would love for it to be more...but I can't go on with the angst, the unknown and the wishy washy-ness. I'm not a teenager anymore...and this back and forth is killing me. Its either we agree to have an affair or we agree to move on, out of each others lives.
There are days when I think he really loves me on some level...there are others where I wonder if I'm just being played a fool. In either case, its time to get off the pot.
Just wanted to let you know, that there are others who struggle the same.
dharma