He wants a kiss...HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
He wants a kiss...HELP!!!
5
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 4:30pm
My life was going so well and now it's in danger of unraveling again. I'll give you a brief summary. Been having a "flirtation" with a MM since May. We got kinda steamy over the summer in our phone conversations...some intense things about what we wanted to do to each other, but never did anything. Then about a month ago we started kissing. Not real kisses, just pecks, but the pecks got longer and more intense until finally we were full-out kissing. We only really kissed three or four times until he totally freaked out and stopped kissing altogether.

It's been three weeks. Last June or so there was also a three-week time when he gave me a hard time. Exactly three weeks, both times. Odd. During the three-week times, he still talks to me, still is mostly the same, but we have some rough days where we don't see each other as often and he really pulls back during these times. I pull back and give him his space, but it's hard. Really hard.

Well, apparently he's back to normal again. End of three weeks, poof, like magic, he's back. Yesterday he came into work for just a small amount of time, just to see me, and I could tell instantly he was out of his bad spell. Can't explain it; he just was 100% back. Then today I called him just because I couldn't stop thinking about him, and he asked me to talk dirty to him. I acted all coy -- I mean, you can't just launch into that stuff -- but we did have a conversation that was very much like old times. Gosh, I've missed that. During the conversation he said he was "going to kiss me." He didn't say it would be today, but it sounded like it would be soon. What do I do? Well, I know what I WANT to do, but how do I avoid going down that path again? There are two major risks involved in going back to kissing -- 1) HEARTBREAK. I know this guy well enough now to know we're in a pattern. We wind up and up, then he has to wind back down again, but each time he winds a little bit further before having to wind down. But the winding down period just hurts SO, SO badly. I tell myself I can handle it, but can I? Even more importantly, can I avoid it? 2) DISCOVERY. The chances of someone walking in on us during one of these kisses are slim, but still there. We are at work, for heaven's sake, and there's no way to go anywhere else. As slim as the chances are, if someone caught us...if ANYONE caught us, I would be mortified. Humiliated. Destroyed. I just can't take that risk.

Okay, guess I answered my own question! But it would help to hear from others. Maybe get some reinforcement that I am doing the right thing. I have to be strong. I have to find a way!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 9:25am
Two suggestions. One, lurk on the Ending an Affair board. Two, lurk on the Betrayed Spouses board. Both should throw sufficient cold water on you, if that's what you really want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 8:40am
Cold water is exactly what I want. Thank you! I do lurk on the Ending an Affair board, but I've never tried the Betrayed Spouses board. That may help since I know his wife and really like her and every time I see her I feel horrible about even entertaining thoughts about her H. He dropped the subject of the kiss...but I don't know what to expect with him from day to day. Anyway, off to find some cold water!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 12:27pm
LOL! BTW, I lurked on both those boards when trying to decide whether to let my relationship with OM go past the first kiss (my screen name comes from that time). I didn't see anything there *or* here that sounded like my situation, and I went ahead anyway! Guess I didn't want cold water badly enough to find it there. ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 11:29pm
Very interesting, since I'm kind of in the same boat, but the gent is single. Were going along great, wonderful times, great conversations, then BAM! No contact. It's been almost 3 weeks.

I wonder if at your work someone 'cautioned' him about his behaviour at work?

Mine was really mind blowing-after a great Friday lunch, I called him from the road on Monday, and he answered with a "I'm kinda busy-what do you need?" in a brusque way. After Friday, it kinda crushed me.

I emailed him the Tuesday the next day, asking if he wanted to hang out at lunch, and he emailed back, saying 'too late-maybe tomorrow". I emailed him that NEXT day with an invite to hang out, and didn't get any answer back. And the last time I've talked to him was almost 3 weeks ago that Monday. We had that great lunch exactly 3 weeks ago.

I found out that his dept. is going thru some heavy-duty stuff, and I think one of the bosses got to him, being seen with a married woman and him single.

One of the managers I'm friendly with told him that "Jane Smith (me) was concerned about you, George-she hasn't heard from you and thinks you're mad at her" and he answered to the mananager, "It's not her-I've just been really really busy".

But c'mon-he'd email me back on my cell phone, and at work.

It sounds like the powers that be got to him and threatened him with his job. He's a manager too.

What I'm saying is that perhaps someone higher up than he is putting pressure on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 11:47am
Hi Lilah,

It sounds like he needs his monthly "Lilah Fix"... he's attracted to you, wants to act on that attraction but for his own reasons (family, work, whatever) is scared to take it much further... but can't resist the temptation of getting his "fix" from you after he's backed away for a while. And kisses are harmless, right? (Yeah, right, but as long as you're at work, they *can't* lead to anything else).

Go back and reread your post. If it had been posted by someone else here, what would your advice to that person be? It's an exercise a friend suggested *I* do lately, when she noted that my advice to others and my own actions were rather... inconsistent!

Good luck,

lily