he was a no show

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
he was a no show
8
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 9:21am
OM didn't come out last night. Who knows why. Its always just a free for all, but still he's almost always there.

I knew I wanted to see him, but I didn't realize how much until he didn't show. I was so disappointed. Which probably means its a very good thing that he didn't show.

I'm too old for this! I know that there is nothing there on his part. That he isn't interested in a relationship with me, regardless of my marital status. He wanted sex, he got sex and that's the end of it. And really honestly I've got enough problems with just my marriage. Seperated, wanting a divorce but not having the guts to go through with one. Why on earth would any guy want to get involved with some one in that situation.

Still, I really wanted to see him. No matter what my head says, my heart really wanted to see him.

H, on the other hand, did show up. He kept complementing me and making comments to our friends about we are going to do this and we are going to do that. Hello!!!! We are seperated. You live with your parents and I've asked you for a divorce!!!! Wake up and realize there is no we!!!

When I left for the night he followed me out and walked back to the cars with me. He said he was glad that we could go out and have fun together. I told him that I didn't want him getting the wrong impression, that this wasn't a him and I thing. We just both happen to enjoy going out with the same group of friends.

I cried all the way home. I can't think of a time in my life when I have been more confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 9:47am
Hi Celtic,

Everything will work itself out in the end...but you have a lot on your plate right now, so you are going to be stressed, upset, angry, confused, and all the rest. Are you going to go thru with the D? Have you considered seeing a counselor to get you thru this process?

Be strong and know that the board is here to support you!

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 9:55am
hi celtic. honey, i'm sorry you're in pain. please realize that your life is in flux and changing and it's a temporary situation. if you're serious about the separation/divorce, it will happen in time. in my state, you would have to wait at least one year from the date of separation to file for divorce.

you're a little confused and depressed because H showed up and acted like the two of you were on a "date" when in fact, you weren't. H is acting like he has a chance to change your mind, but if you aren't going to stay in the M, make sure you let him down gently. making him mad will just increase your stress level.

and relax about the OM. he'll show up eventually. even if it was just "sex" apparently you both travel in the same social circle, so you'll see him and be able to talk with him about the situation between you two.

keep busy and enjoy the holiday weekend! try not to be so up in your head about OM. take control of your life and do what is best for YOU.

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 10:01am
morning! I am seeing a counselor on my own and H and I are seeing a counselor together again. But I am not comfortable living with him anymore so that's why I asked him to move out.

I don't know if I'm going to go through with the divorce or not. I'm in such a tough spot right now and somedays I'm ready to call the lawyers and file, other days I feel like how can I even think about divorce, this is a marriage and I have to stay in it and work it out.

H says he reall means it this time. He'll do whatever it takes to keep me. I'm having a hard time believing him because this is what he said 6 months ago, 4 months ago, 2 months ago. I told my counselor at my last session, I've put up a wall at this point and I'm not sure I'm willing to take it back down.

What I can't get past is that 1. he says he manipulates me to get me to do what he wants so how do I know this isn't just another manipulation and 2. yes the first year of marriage is suppose to be difficult but it isn't suppose to be this hard.

Add in feelings for OM and its a big mumble jumble of a mess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 10:18am
Ahh Celtic, I feel for you and it is a hard time in your life. I am glad you are going to counseling, I know counseling has helped me alot. I know what you are saying about a wall around your heart, once you have one it is very difficult to take down. And as for your feelings for OM, is it just because you need to have someone appreciate you at this point in your life? You need to learn to appreciate yourself. Take H and OM out of the equation and learn to love yourself first for who you are. You don't need a man to make you feel good about yourself, you need yourself to know that you are of value and worthy of love with or without a man. I am in this process myself and it is very difficult to build up self esteem but I am doing it and you can too.

Well, just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you,

Lots of Big Hugs,

itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 10:19am
celtic, people can change, but generally speaking, if your H has tried to do things differently in your M at 6 months, 4 months, 2 months, and it isn't working, it's time to face reality and let it go.

and you do not have to stay in a M and make it work. you can't do all the work to make a M successful. it takes both of you. if he's not going to follow through, and just saying "i'll do whatever it takes", does not count!

don't be afraid to take the next step in this process. it is a scary situation - divorce. but in the long run, you'll be happier to have made the decision to move on and start your life again, on your own, to make yourself happy. only you have the power to make yourself happy!

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 10:20am
Celtic,

It sounds like you need more time, and there is nothing wrong with that. My b/f and I broke up after living together for two years. We didn't see/speak to each other for about 2 months. And I can tell you it, although it was hard for me (I didn't want to break up) it was the best thing that ever happened for the both of us. Once I got past all of the 'whys' and 'what ifs', I was able to step back and look at our R in a different light. I made new friends, I did things for me, and I laid down the law when we got back together. My b/f was better, more attentive, and more loving.

And we have been together happily for 7 years -- though now I have the 7 year itch -- otherwise I wouldn't be on this board!!

So don't let H pressure you here. It sounds like he is in the same place I was when my b/f broke up with me. Denial? A little crazy? Full of promises? Believe me, he needs this time apart as much as you do. But seeing you socially will be difficult for him -- as long as he knows that you are there, he won't be able to look at his life and figure out what is missing!

All the best,

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 11:02am
Itty, this is really good advice. Thank you!

I am trying to find myself and repair my self esteem. Last night I put on some makeup did my hair and put on a nice outfit. Not because I wanted OM or H or anyone else to notice me, but because it made me feel good about myself to be pampered a little bit. And going into what I knew was probably going to be a stressfull situation, it helped to have a little inner confidence that came from taking care of me first.

Right now I have a lot to work out. And the last thing I need to do is add the additional emotions and stress that come along with an A.

Everything will work out. One way or the other, I have faith in that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 7:14am
Good for you, Celtic!! I know that you can feel better about yourself, just take one day at a time. Sometimes I just take a moment and just breathe and really look at something beautiful like the sky and then I am thankful that I am alive! I also always make sure I look my best all the time, even if I am just wearing blue jeans.

Also, I remembered something...when I left my exH, he kept popping by my house and trying to give me gifts or money, one time he left a cd in my car with a note telling me to listen to a certain song, it was that song, (I don't remember who it was by), "I'm not supposed to love you anymore". But, at that point in my life, I was just done, he was a manipulator, the King of Guilt Trips, he was abusive, and I had just had enough. The best thing I ever have done in my life was divorce him. Life does go on after a divorce! I knew a year into my first m that I shouldn't have married him, but I ended up staying for 15 years, my only regret is that I didn't leave him sooner, all those years wasted! Is this what you want? To be stuck in an unhappy situation for years and years? If a D is what you truly want then go for it, don't let him "guilt-trip" you into going back to him. He will survive without you, and you will survive without him!

Hugs,

itty