He who jests at scars has never felt...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
He who jests at scars has never felt...
1
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 8:08pm
a wound. This reply is for Lifeisariddle1969, based on my earlier post "an affair or destiny"...

Hard Words, Life... with all due respect, hearing my story and the scant details of it is not enough for you to determine who has honor, or respect. I agree in one regard, when two people become involved, if they are not fully available, it is disrespect to the unknowing party. I have played all of the roles in this situation.

When I was in my early twenties I was married to an emotionally abusive alcoholic. I was so caught up in the traditional definition of respect and honor that I allowed this to continue, having resigned myself to the fact that this was my lot in life, and I needed to heed my wedding vows. One day at a wedding we were outside, he was arguing with me that I was not partaking in the festivities and he hauled off and punched the concrete wall beside my head- bloodying his knuckles in the process. His parents were driving by at the time. This convinced me that he was not complying with his vows nor did he respect me.

Still, my youth and strong belief in our marriage prompted me to try to convince him to seek counseling with me. He refused, because I was the only one with a problem. I sank deeper into a state of isolation until I met someone who became a good friend. I had planned out my separation because I knew that only if I had it written down could I go through with it. The weeks before I was to leave, my friend and I became intimate in an emotional moment where I confessed that our entire marriage I was made to feel humiliated, stupid, ugly, and like a child. I was none of these things, but after three years of marriage to the wrong person, I was convinced of it- partially because of his angry words- he managed to call an attractive, University educated girl a stupid fat-ass F###### B####. In the short time of our friendship, I felt cared for, appreciated, special, and I found the strength to want something better for myself. True, the morally right thing would have been for me to find this strength on my own and not to become involved with another while I was still married, but we don't always choose the way that enlightenment comes.

People sometimes come into our lives for a purpose, and this must have been the case with the friend, because after I was able to stand up on my own, our friendship ended and we both went our separate ways.

Jump ahead to meeting my best friend and soulmate, my previous partner of 10 years. We were two halves of a whole. We "got" each other. We experienced magic together. We had plans for a future. We both were divorced and had suffered our share of emotional heartache- this made me feel that because of our shared pain at the hands of others, we would never cause each other pain. Trials and tribulations occurred with us, as they are bound to do. Again, I wanted us to seek counseling to preserve our relationship, again a refusal. This partner was not emotionally abusive, however, he was emotionally distant. He felt that if relationships needed to be worked on, they were not supposed to be. The last 5 years of our relationship we were not even physically, or emotionally intimate. Still, he had a good heart, and was so much nobler than my first husband that I felt the intimacy was a small price to pay to live my life with a person with a good heart. On Christmas Eve of two years ago I discovered that my partner had had an affair.

He claimed that it was not intimate, but I discovered a card where she declared her love for him. I took responsibility for my part in it and asked him to seek counseling with me to bring us back to where we were. He agreed, but never went. Again, I felt that it was my duty to wait this out considering our history. But again, it took meeting another person and opening my eyes to how he saw me for me to realize that if I stayed with this partner any longer, I would be wasting precious years that would never come back. Getting to know myself again by sharing who I was with a new friend, made me see who I used to be, that I had supressed. I was someone interesting, funny, sexy- all these things I didn't feel with my partner. Instead I felt like a burden to him, a nag, and repulsive- how else would you feel when your partner refuses to touch you for 5 years? You certainly don't logically think he has the problem. When you've had poor relationships in the past, you think that it is your fault. When someone else sees you differently the distortion lifts and you once again see the person who you really are.

The lunches are not dishonorable in the least. They are fun and allow us both to share and to feel appreciated and listened to. A quality that both of us should have been having with our partners at home. We do not have an occasional romp- if that is the going term for intercourse. That is the line that has not, nor will be crossed. It is so easy to direct from the sidelines- things seem so black and white. Enter feelings stage right and other colours come in. I never expected to develop feelings for this person. I have played the wife that had the affair, the wife who an affair was had on, and now the other woman and there is pain and responsibility in all roles. As you can imagine, I am nearing forty, so my life is seasoned with some degree of experience.

Perhaps it should have been seasoned with more control, but once again, being in places of emotional hunger leaves one vulnerable to fill it in ways that are not ideal. I'll tell you, it wasn't the passionate kiss that I remember and long for when I think of him in a physical way, it is the looks that we exchanged. The looks that cut through both of our veneers. The eyes that were able to see outside of societal expectations and norms, that saw beyond normal everyday life to a possibility that for now could not be. They say that they eyes are the windows to the soul, if that be the case, then there were times that mutually we peered into each other's souls.

This current friend is in such a place as I was with my recent partner. He is stuck in a relationship that is mediocre, but is hanging in there for reasons of false commitment, societal expectations, and fear of the unknown- all the while his years and life moving along, moments gone by never to return. It is not a decision I can make for him, and when we do speak, I tell him to hang on to the person in his heart and to do what he can to make that work.

I believe in a way that we are two hearts struggling against a feeling that seems to grow stronger with each passing day. Both struggling with emotions not wanting to name them for fear of hurting other people and ourselves. I would so much like to hear that he has fallen in love with me, so that I may be free to express the same. To name it and then see how our lives evolve. However, I doubt that he can ever admit this to me or to himself. I will never admit it to anyone. In my dreams occasionally he will appear, and for a brief moment we are together without any complications. The reality would not be the same. I value him too much to even pursue anything else, and anything else pursued would certainly leave me in danger of losing my heart, which has already taken quite a beating for it's short life. My solution is to keep this secret safe within that spot in my heart that no one can invade. That no one can judge. That no one can come close to. Not acting on these feelings does not negate them, and certainly not voicing them does not mean they do not have a sound.

So, Lifeisariddle1969, thank you for your tough love, but again, with all due respect… I think Shakespeare said it best "He who jests at scars has never felt a wound".

Anyone wish to comment?

Snap

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 8:31am
Snap,

I am not new here, but I haven't posted in a very, very long time. I read your entire post and boy did it hit home. I am in the middle of a divorce with a man I have known for 23 years but turned out to be an emotionally and verbally abusive man, while my first husband was physically abusive. 3 1/2 years ago I met the most beautiful man I have or will ever met in this lifetime. He is married too with a daughter. I have felt the wound over and over again that I felt my soul torn apart, my spirit broken, thinking it was my fault until I met someone who genuinely loves me, just for me, no-strings attached, just because of who I am. I have never had that before in my life. It gave me the strength to finally file for divorce.

The wound unfortunatly is not completely healed because I had to tell him that we need a break and my heart is crying. It physically hurts to be without him. I can't be second best anymore, I can't hang onto promises anymore, but the pain is the worst I have ever felt because the love between us is the love I have longed for my whole life and it's something I can't have. I know in time it will lessen but I know I will never love another the way I love him.

Everything you said in your post rang true with me and I have been on both sides and have felt the pain from both ends, so I agree with what you wrote. Take Care and hope to see more posts from you.

MidnightBlue