Head over heart? Vice versa?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Head over heart? Vice versa?
8
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 11:13am
I know this is going to sound all too familiar to many of you on this board. Although, please remember that unlike many of you that I read about, I am SINGLE dating a MM.

Like anything else in life, this relationship I have w/ MM has its ups and downs, from MY point of view. We have been seeing each other for about 3-4 months now. We have never had a fight, let alone an argument. I have a tendency to become withdrawn or quiet when I feel angered or annoyed with him, yet I never tell him that I am. I am sure he is the same way with me... Sometimes I get annoyed with his behavior, which I usually tend to brush off as a quirk in his personality that wouldn't make him "him."

However, more and more I am becoming quite angered and jealous with more significant details...those details being the obvious problems I KNEW I would be faced with when I began dating MM. For instance, he owns his own company, which takes up a lot of his time. At first, I would've rathered hear him say he couldn't get together b/c he was spending time w/ his W instead of "I have to work late." Then it started to bug me that he actually WAS trying to spend QT w/ his W. Now I am perturbed that his life is coming together at a rate faster than I can blink (i.e. building an enormous home on enormous land, buying a Porsche, new clients at his company, etc etc)

I am becoming resentful of this, as I can't take part in any of it. I want to see more into his life and I want him to see more into mine. I know that these are The Circumstances of this relationship and I knew this coming into it. But now I am rethinking my position in this man's life, as I do not want to feel regrets or hold hostilities and resentments. It's a waste of time.

I guess it would be simple to say, I should just walk away...I am young, single, attractive, funny, smart, and put together and can find another guy. Here's my dilemma: I don't want any other guy. I am in love w/ MM and feel that the good and bad stablize each other most of the time. Its the cliched head or heart thing...It's a double-edged sword, in that sometimes I want him ALL the time, and other times, I am satisfied with the terms of the relationship.

Any advice is appreciated. Thnx!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 11:28am
hey dani -- welcome to the rollercoaster girl!!

as you said, you knew the rules coming into the A. he's a busy guy apparently. building the new business, new house, new car. all that takes his time and whatever is left over he is devoting to his W. you are the odd woman out in this equation.

as you are single, you can date others and keep yourself occupied. if you want to sit at home and stew about your MM and why he's not there with you, you certainly can, but why waste your precious time?? even if you are in love with MM, you cannot have him, body and soul. you have to settle for what little time and attention he can give you. if you can't settle, you have to get out of the A.


sorry i can't be more supportive in a positive way. you have quite a bit going for you. use it to make yourself happy. don't sit around trying to figure out the whys of the A. deal with the reality of it.

good luck,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 11:43am
Gurlfriend - You are rigth. I don't sit around stewing about why he is not there. I know why. I keep myself occupied as often as possible.

I TRY very hard to date other guys. Let me rephrase that: I try very hard to find a connection or attraction to other guys. The few guys that I DO find attractive are either taken or I close the door to a new opportunity (in SOME way or another). I don't think this A is the right situation for me. I tend to be single-minded. I've put all my eggs in one basket, like I can only handle one man at a time.

I devour the attention I get from MM, as well as the single guys I play around with. But when I am with the single guys, or even just my friends or family, something will trigger "I wish he was here to see this/share this with me." I mean, I can send him a text message, but how much can you really say in 110-characters?

I am certainly leaning more towards ending this relationship before my heart breaks completely. It's not for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 1:55pm
just fyi I DO know where you are coming from - I too am a single girl with a MM - and yeah yeah I knew what I was getting in to - he told me from the get go he would NEVER leave his wife! But is it so crazy to think that once they start spending time with us and realize they LOVE us to think they'd change to some degree and WANT more with us? I totally know! And yet I think WE have to realize we will NEVER get what we want from them - it sucks and I deal with it DAILY - life really seems unfair. I too am a singleminded girl and really have no interest in even "looking" for someone AVAILABLE to me - atleast with MM I KNOW he's with me because he wants to be!

It's all very confusing and I too wish I could escape this web I've tangled myself up in - but just about the moment I feel like I can make a jump for it - I see that look in his eyes and I KNOW nothing can compare to him RIGHT NOW! :) So, until I no longer see that look or until someone WONDERFUL falls from the sky into my lap then I will just trudge along with what we do have! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 6:13pm
Hi dani

I know how hard it is to be so totally into someone who is for the most part unavailable (as I am seeing a MM too). But I am married, and as strange or insane as it sounds, I think these relationships work better if both people are married. Since your MM already has a pretty complicated life, he will ALWAYS only have a small amount of time for you. It's a shame for you - becuase it is probably enough to satisfy him, but obviously not enough for you. Don't torture yourself! You are single, attractive, etc., try your best to get over him. And get out there and fall for someone you can have all the time!

Be strong and good luck!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 7:09pm
Talk to him.

Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you want. Give him the opportunity to respond. THEN decide what to do.

It sounds like you haven't dealt w/conflict w/him at all, and therefore I don't know if you had any ground rules or understanding in the beginning regarding where this EMA could or couldn't go. But if you aren't talking to him and he isn't talking to you, what do either of you really know about what the other truly wants?

Two caveats: be prepared for him to SAY what he thinks you want to hear but not necessarily follow through. And be prepared to walk away if you can't get what you want from him. That's for your own good.

And good luck.

BTW, I was in your shoes ten years ago. And we did talk. And he told me what I wanted to hear and it went on for nearly three years. I am not with him now. Intentions are very different from ACTION.

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 9:31pm
I totally agree with your statement on not wanting to look for someone, I always hold on to the hope that he will leave, I know that is singleminded but for now it makes everyday easier.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 12:00am
Dani,

Well I am single as well. You know, it seems that you resent anything in his life that doesn't have to do with you. In some respects, it sounds like you are jealous because he has some happiness/interests outside of you and doesn't come to you because of his "miserable" life. That is not a good place to be... How is "your" life coming together beyond your relationship with him or any other guy?

I am curious about something. You say that you find ways to short circuit the dating you do, but in those situations do you even see the "potential" of them sharing every aspect of their life with you in the manner you want MM to be there?

I am not sure if talking would do much here because he does have another relationship that he wants and while he is there, there is no reason why he "shouldn't" want good/quality time with his W. Also, his business is important to him and if he would let things drop to spend time with you, he can't expect the success he hopes to achieve. If a person has several balls in the air and they are all priorities, IF he wants them all he can't let 2-3 fall for 1, but must have balance to keep them all in the air.

So instead of looking at this as a "MM who can't make you first" type of situation, consider a little what you expect of any man and "if" that's realistic and attainable.

Three-four months isn't a long time, especially when you are talking about disagreements. Also, it is hard to disagree when you aren't saying anything... What would he disagree with - your unspoken words? :-)

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 10:07am
Rose - I agree with your first statement here; I am jealous of the good things he has that he can't share w/ me. I am also considerably younger than him, by 12 yrs. My life is coming together at an above average rate for a girl my age, in my personal opinion. But I am an impatient person, in that I wish my life at 22 yrs old could be where HIS life is at 34......Selfish, I know. But that's how I feel.

I devour the attention I get from other guys, I have my pick of them. It just so happens that I love a challenge and I tend to go after the unobtainable ones (i.e. MM). Maybe in the back of my mind, I am focused more on him than other SINGLE guys b/c there IS a challenge in the relationship: "Who does he want to keep his company tonight, her or me?" I don't want to admit it (even though I just did), b/c its a twisted way of thinking, not to mention way to be happy.

I have some guilt over the fact that I am dating MM but I justify it with strong, valid reasons. Believe me, the very LAST thing I want to do is destroy his marriage or give him some sort of ultimatum. Of course he should spend time w/ his W!! It's HIS W!! They have 2 children together. I even find myself criticizing him for not doing this or that for his W, at times. He brushes it off and I drop the subject.

Unfortunately other single guys that I've dated have come on a little too strong for my liking and even though I can see a potential relationship w/ them, I push them away.

As for what I want out of the relationship w/ MM, or any man, I think I am realistic and it is indeed attainable. Its not that I expect or even warrant 'all eyes on me' at all times, its just that certain instances in which MM can't share moments/events w/ me, a single guy could.

I guess maybe I'm just trying to find a happy medium, where I can enjoy and get the most out of my time w/ MM, sans the resentments, b/c we DO have quite the connection. So do I talk to him, straight up about how I feel? And then base my decision to stay or leave on his reaction??