Headed down a familiar path (sorry, long)
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|Mon, 08-19-2013 - 11:36am|
I apologize now because I am sure this is going to be pretty long. My story goes back a long ways. I have been here before, years ago.
I have been married for 22 years. Got married when I was young, I guess, though we were together for a while before so it wasn't rushed into or anything. We have 2 great kids, ages 13 and 17.
14 years ago, after a long and sometimes bumpy marriage, I had a PA on my husband. It lasted for about a year, and was with an old flame. I thought I loved him, and maybe I did. The reason for my affair? Besides stupidity and immaturity, attention. Bottom line. My husband, although he loves me and is a hard worker and great father, ignores me. Sometimes I just dont exist. So someone came along who paid me loads of attention, and I fell righ into it. After a year of back and forth, and lots of pain, as well as therapy, I called it quits. It hurt. A lot.
I told my husband, partly out of guilt and partly because I knew we couldn't move ahead without the truth on the table. I asked my DH to go to counseling with me, and he did. Once. He was uncomfortable sharing his feelings. We went thru many hard days and nights, and somehow, decided to move forward and put the past behind us.
Fast forward about a year, and a guy at my work was flirting pretty hot and heavy with me. So I went to his house and had sex with him. Once. Let me back up a bit here...
My husband and I are not compatible in the bedroom. He has had issues with "preformance" and we have tried many, many things. But it isn't just that. He doesn't care to please me. It is all about him. Always. I asked him once to spend some time on me so I could "get off" (sorry, no better words to use). He told me "no, that just takes too long". OUCH.
So I slept with the guy at work, once. And felt so sick over it that I didn't talk to him again. It was a one time thing.
My DH and I tried to move forward. But it was so, so hard. For him and me. I could go into all of it, all the things said, but it would take forever. I was screaming out for attention from him. I asked him once to meet me somewhere, because I had to meet someone for work and had a bad feeling. I told my Dh I was scared and to please come meet me so I wouldn't be alone with this man. It was a ten minute drive. And he told me no, it would take too long.
That about sums it up :(
We made it about another year, and yes, I went on a website and ended up chatting with another man. Geez...I KNOW I have to sound like a big ho by now. I had a 3 month PA with this man. And again, TOLD my husband. If that wasn't a cry for me to leave him, I dont know what is. I think I WANTED him to know, like an exit affair. We talked MORE about divorce. Thinking we were hiding it from our kids. But we weren't. My DS came to us one day crying, asking if we were getting a divorce. And it ripped my heart into peices. So it got pushed back, again.
So here we are now. I stayed on the straight and narrow for 3 years. And BEGGED my DH to pay attention to me. I climbed on him in the car. He pushed me away and said he was more in the mood in the winter. I tried to kiss him goodbye once, just to go run an errand, and he wouldn't kiss me. Said he was "too busy". Its these little things, over years, that add up and break me, just one small piece of my heart at a time.
So here I am now, having an EA and PA with a good friend. I know I need to divorce my husband. And this is the part that will sounds REALLY messed up. I love him. I lay at night and watch him sleep, and just cry. Because I dont want to hurt him anymore. But we have gone down different roads. He doesn't give me what I need, even when I pratically scream for it. And I KNOW I dont give him what he needs, and I sure dont give him what he deserves. No one derserves what I have done.
I dont even know if I have a question here. I dont. I am just sad. I look at family pictures and cry, knowing that sometime, sooner or later, I am going to rip up a family.
The good friend I am "with" now, I really like. We have known each other for years. Its only in the last month that we have taken it to this level. I have liked him for a long time though. We seem to have a lot in common. But this isn't my first rodeo. I know what it is all about. I know all about the "fog" of a new affair.
I just feel REALLY lost right now. Going from extreme lows about my marriage to extreme highs about the thought of being free, the thought of maybe someone loving me the way I want. And then I worry that I am just a serial cheater. I know I am not a sex addict. Believe it or not, I HAVE had other opportunities I did NOT act on. It isn't about having sex for me. It is the attention.
I am just so, so lost.