Hearing things you don't want to hear

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
Hearing things you don't want to hear
8
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 4:44pm
My AP's wife is my friend, and it never stops hurting when I hear intimate details of their lives together at home. My AP has always been honest about his private life, and I know more details than I should because I am friends with his wife, too. But even with the knowledge of the problems in their relationship, and the fact that he's choosing to be in this secret relationship with me, I'm still ready to end it every time I hear that they've had sex, or he's done something especially nice for her. I know tht makes me sound like a horrible, selfish person, because I am married, too, and I love my husband and we still have a great sex life. What is your take on all of this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2008
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 7:06pm

Just my .02, but I think it makes it all extra exciting. Knowing things she doesn't know, having the whole story, having AP in ways she doesn't know. . .the ultimate A!

-jana

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2008
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 7:40pm
Maybe we're just a couple of bad girls, but I agree with Jana.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 8:12pm
I think what makes this so hard is that I like my friend (his wife) and we often hang out together, even with our children. We've become closer in recent months, and I think I'm the closest friend she has (which is a very sad situation, really.) My AP feels badly when I talk about distancing myself from her, because he feels responsible for the demise of our friendship, badly for his wife who doesn't have a a lot of close friends, etc. It's a sticky situation.
He and I have had so many ups and downs and just lately we are at peace and all is right in our world. I've felt more comfortable expressing myself to him, and exactly what I feel for him. We love each other and want to keep things going as long as possible, but with no end in sight, no dreams of a shared future...it almost makes the really, really good times seem extra sad.
Have you found a way to make peace with only having a part of him? And knowing that you can never be out in the open?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2008
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 10:09pm

I know what you mean about it being hard since the W is your friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2007
Thu, 06-18-2009 - 4:29pm

I had to respond because I am/was in the exact situation you are in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2008
Thu, 06-18-2009 - 4:51pm
Good for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
Fri, 06-19-2009 - 12:08pm
Alesan, I can relate to your story. I hear details about their sexual encounters, and usually I try to block them out. But there are times when they occur when he and I are getting along and closer than ever, and so hearing what they are doing seems to contradict what he and I feel for each other. My H and I have a good sex life, yet I'm still also in love with my AP...so why can't I believe he loves ME when I hear about him and his wife?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2007
Fri, 06-19-2009 - 3:08pm

There were so many things that she said to me about their relationship that made me want to end everything.