The heartache of the holidays

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
The heartache of the holidays
5
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 9:58pm
Well, here it is New Year's Eve! This is the worst part of the roller coaster ride! He's home with his family throwing his teenage daughter a party and here I sit missing him. Although we did have a beautiful holiday dinner together and spent the night together right before Christmas at a really nice hotel and he did manage to get away to call me today to wish me a happy new year and told me I have nothing to worry about with him being with his wife tonight...it still doesn't take away the pain and lonliness tonight will bring. I miss him sooooo much! We've been seeing each other for 12 years now and every year the holidays bring so much pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 1:56pm
Hi cyber,, I really haven't read your whole story, but my question is, has he ever talked about leaving? 12 years is a very very long time to be in an affair. I have known my M (he left about 2 yrs ago and is finalizing divorce) for about 13 yrs but it was hard to keep up a physical affair because he was overseas and in the military. Plus, the crazy stbx was bugging out over the letters she found of our correspondence. Thankfully, we are together and happy now with a son (both our only) and being truly inlove, but I remember all too well those holidays and special events that I spent alone. Here I was committed to a man who at the time, could not be committed to me. I know exactly what you are going thru and it just reminds me how strong love really can be and that sometimes we do end up with the wrong people and its hard to get to that REAL love because of the situation. I wish you so much peace, the only thing that use to help me is to get a good movie, go out with my girls (get tipsy if you have to but dont make it a habit) just find something to occupy your time. But also, what I realize as well as my M, is that sooner or later, someone has to make a move. A big move that will either bring you closer or push you apart. It takes a brave person to pursue their happiness, but if it's worth it, it's possible.


hugs and kisses TNJ2728

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 2:21pm
I agree 12 years is a very long time, but when kids are involved it's much harder to leave.

You said you have a child with each other and that he was both your first. When they are no kids involved I can see it being easier to leave, not totally, but a bit easier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 3:35pm
well, not really. He has two daughters with her. one is 11 and the other 7.and that was his whole reason for staying as long as he did. he was the primary caregiver because she kept coming up with excuses why she couldnt get a job. so, the girls depended on him. He knew that she wasn't capable of being a real parent, so he was afraid to go. but, when he found some evidence of her betrayal and the extent of it, he couldn't take it anymore. He had to leave and hope that she would be mature enough not to put the kids in the middle. he continued to take care of them so they didn't go without, but she started being ignorant trying to put the girls against him, using them to hurt him,and just neglecting them all together. she even tried to assault me while i was pregnant, in front of her children. her behavior was truly violent and out of control. she now has 3 yrs probation and has to attend anger managment classes. she is also being investigated by children protective services. the broad is out of her mind. she is looking at jail time because she has another warrant for trying to confront me again after i had my son. believe me, it has taken a lot of restraint NOT to hurt this woman, especially for what she is doing to the girls, but her day will come. karma is a mutha, especially when you are dealing with innocent children. she doesn't even care about the mental damage she is putting in their heads. the woman is a pathological liar, crazy broad who refuses to do for her children. just sits on her behind all day. but enough about her, I feel that children don't benefit from relationship where their parents are there just to live. they are not stupid, they can tell when someone is happy and they can only benefit and evolve if they witness loving and "healthy" relationships. not when daddy or mommy is just "tolerating" one another. I also have a daughter from a previous relationship. she is 10 and our son is 5 months. we are happy and even though she is doing a number on the girls, we protect them as much as we can because we know when they get to the age to fight for what they want and truly understand right from wrong, she is going to pay for what she has done and those girls are going to resent her big time and I honestly can't wait for that to happen so she can see what type of pain she has caused my M heart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 5:56pm
Enjoyed reading your response to my post. Thank you for the understanding shoulder to cry on. Answer to your question...yes, kids are involved and as soon as his youngest goes off to college in about 3-1/2 yrs. we plan to be together. Considering he was only 2 yrs. old when this started, 3-1/2 yrs. doesn't seem too long to wait. I know the ol' cliche, "can't leave my W because of the kids" but this man is totally devoted to his kids plus I have my daughter to think about too. Thru the years my MM & I have fallen in love like nothing either of us have experienced before and we have weathered many storms. All do to our "circumstances". We've definitely passed the test of time.

Well, the holidays are over and back to the normalness of craziness.

Happy New Year to you and your family,

your cyber pal
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 7:18pm
That just goes to show how circumstances are differnt for everyone.

So in that situation you both did what you needed to do.

It's good to hear that you two got together after ALL the tribulations you both went through.

Good luck and may this year be the happiest for you, :).