Heartbroken!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Heartbroken!!!!!!
1
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 1:24am
I am so at a loss as to what to do.

Part of me says go back to NC and try harder this time.

I am so afraid that I will find an answer I do NOT want, that he is fine without me!

Saw him with W yesterday, and everything is so normal there! It hurt a great deal, and also even made me resent him a bit for the fact that their everyday life has not changed, and mine is falling apart.

This was the day after I had seen him alone for the first time in weeks, and he rejected me, even though online he said he still wanted me. Said he needed to evaluate his M, without complicating it by being with me. I am very inclined to believe him, because he has never given me reason not to, but DAMN, I am hurting so bad from it.

I saw him again alone today, very briefly, and I was very good, I did not attempt to kiss him, just let things be. When I called him and asked him 'was he proud?', he said not proud, but surprised. I am unsure what exactly he meant by that, but I couldn't stay on to ask.

I go to MC with H later today, we will see what happens. I have been so unhappy with H for so long, and yet, I love my kids and am afraid to lose them. Part of me still loves H, but I have not wanted to have anything to do with him in so long, that I feel as if it is 2late. He never tried before when I told him how bad things were, now he wants to try, now that I have fallen in love with someone else. Someone who is so much more compatible with me.

MM says he needs to evaluate his M, which like mine, is not horrible, just unhappy, and evaluate what he has become, which I have helped along, but not caused, so he says. He does not want to be without his kids either, and I do COMPLETELY understand that. I am trying so hard to be strong, and keep going every day, but every day apart from him is like a part of me is dying.

I am trying very hard to go into MC with an open mind, but I feel as if an end to my M will be inevitable. I am going to attempt NC as best as I can, for MC sake, but I know that I will be utterly miserable and useless as has been proven before. I tell myself, MM knows I love him, and that I choose him over my unhappy M anyday, despite the MAJOR complications that would be in our way, so I guess I should leave it at that, and let what is meant to happen, happen.

Still, I cannot disegard the fact that H really wants to try and make things better, I am just so leery of it being temporary. And in the meantime, if I keep minimum contact with MM, NC is impossible due to kids, will he think my love for him has gone away because I am working on my M. THAT, my friends, will NEVER happen. I have found a best friend and wonderful lover all wrapped up in one, him, and I cannot ever let go of that, no matter what happens.

I'll keep you all posted.

MFL8, missing her Henry Higgins
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 1:42am
HELLO MYFAIR

Believe my when I tell you the best part of you will live on with out the MM ,the pain will refine your personhood into fine gold that any man would be lucky to get.

If MM bails on you and things do not workout with your husband you will intime come back from this a far wiser and stronger woman.

Give you husband a fair chance he may yet surprise you and if MM removes himself from your life as seems likely at this point you may in time be able to see your husband with clearer vision, the affair tends to distort are reality somewhat.

You need to walk tall for your kids.

GOOD LUCK

trying