Heartfelt Ramblings

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Heartfelt Ramblings
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 1:50pm
Hello all! Surprise! A relatively happy post from me! Don’t all fall over from shock! LOL!!! Honestly, this past month has been a very tough one, so I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on myself for being such a mopey-mope. Yesterday marked one month since his W discovered our A (for the second time) and called my H about it. Since then MM and I have both been trying to maintain our R (which we refuse to give up) while at the same time explore our Ms to try to determine whether they can be salvaged (and whether we even WANT to salvage them). It has been sooooo hard. And since this isn’t an easy or simple process, I know things will continue to be difficult for quite some time.

But yesterday was one of those bright moments that we are blessed with occasionally. You know what I mean – the moments that lift your heart and make all your struggles seem less. MM and I got to talk for a bit last night. Oh it was so good to talk to him! We talked about silly things. And we talked about serious things. We know that we still have lots of searching and struggling to do regarding our Ms. But at the same time, we know how we feel about each other. Sometimes I think my feelings for MM are the only sure thing in my life.

I just wish someone could hand me a calendar and say, “By this date you’ll have everything resolved and you’ll know exactly what to do with your life.” My feelings for MM are so strong they threaten to overwhelm me sometimes. But I haven’t known him a year yet. Whereas I’ve known H for 13 years and been married for 10. H is a good guy, but he'll never be passionate about me. At what point do you reach out for the potential, and walk away from the known? I so admire Omaha and Rain and Red and the others who have had the courage to address this issue. No decision is easy – staying or going. I think it is going to be quite some time, filled with thinking and soul searching, before I’ll know for sure. The same is true for MM as he and his W continue to go to counseling.

In the meantime, I’ll enjoy the sweet moments when they come. MM called me back three times last night – just because he didn’t want to say goodbye. How on earth can I be so happy and so sad at the same time????

Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble. Sometimes it helps just to put it all in writing.

(((hugs)))

GB2