Hello!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
Hello!
6
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 11:55am

I've been lurking for awhile. Decided to jump in the discussions with my story.

I am M, nearly 30 years, 3 kids all adults. AP, married nearly 30 years, 3 adult kids. About 17 years ago we had a FWB A that lasted for about a year when I ended it. He is a good friend of H so we have always had contact. Just a little background - My H has been emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive to me virtually from day one of our marriage. He took away any self confidence I ever had. I believed his words of me being worthless. Everything is MY fault with him. Let's just say if there were an earthquake in China, somehow I must have caused it. I guess after so many years, you do tend to believe what you are told. AP has been a true friend to me and through the years has always been there to learn on. There was a gap of several years where we didn't see each other because of his job. Then, in August of 07, I stopped bye his house to talk to him, out of the blue he asks me if I ever thought about "us". I said yes! Then he asked me if he could kiss me. I was hesitant, but did. We started a PA for a few months, I tried to end it twice. Then he told me that he had feelings for me.

One day H came down on me hard. I was very upset and called AP to cry on his shoulder. I know that wasn't fair to him, but he came right away. He held me and kissed me. Then he told me that he was in love with me and wanted to take care of me, that I deserved better than this. From that point on, we talked and saw each other virtually every day. It was more EA than PA though. We really got to know each other. Then it was me who suggested getting a room. All this time, AP is telling me that he wants to be with me, that he loves me, he wants to take care of me. I had feelings for him, but was still very confused.

One day last summer, H blew up at me yet again. He told me to "get the F out of here". So, I did. In the past I would have sucked it up and cried and begged him to forgive me! AP came and got me a room. He didn't stay, he wanted me to have time to think. A group of us were suppose to be getting together that night for some drinks. AP went and when H told him how he had blown up at me and I left crying, AP laid into him, telling him he needs to treat me better, that he is going to lose me. I guess it got pretty bad because a couple of others that were there had to calm AP down.

I think that was my turning point. I stayed away for 2 days, H never even called to find out where I was. He said he assumed I was at my D's house. From that point on, I realized the difference of love in a relationship. I don't know now what I feel for H. It isn't the same. I do know I love AP. He means the world to me. He is amazingly caring, thoughtful and considerate. He cares about my feelings. He wants to marry me.

So, my dilemma, after being treated so poorly all these years, why do I worry so much about hurting H if I leave? I also worry about AP's W. He has told her he is not in love with her anymore, but she says she doesn't believe him. She is emotionally unstable, I don't mean that in a bad way, she tried to hurt herself once before. There is so much more I could write, but I will save it for later. I'm not sure what I am looking for here, any insight, advice? I don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2008
In reply to: star807
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 1:48pm

Hi Star,


Your story sounds a lot like mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2008
In reply to: star807
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 2:45pm

My story is similar as well. Am 42 and have been with H since I was 18. I knew then he had a drinking problem but partly due to the "bad boy" factor & parents constantly harping about how they didn't like him - I dug in deeper until I dug in so far I couldn't get out. He is an alcoholic who is very emotionally & verbally abusive - I have been fortunate enough that I have been able to take the brunt of it and keep it away from my girls. I did try to leave 10 years ago - asked family for help - none was given - had to make the choice to take chances on my own - knowing he would take kids and take off with them or figure out a way to deal with it till kids were older. They now ask why I'm still here - they don't want anything to do with him and avoid as much as possible - out and about in house when just the three of us but when his car pulls in - in their rooms they go and they don't come out again.


As far as not knowing what you feel for your H - I can honestly tell you I feel nothing for mine - I can actually look at him and nothing - no anger, no hate - no love - it's a complete numbness. I am in my 5th A since being married - am I proud of the fact no but it is partly how I have survived and maintained some semblance of sanity. And the first 4 were more flings than anything else - it was the need to feel wanted and not feel like the hired help. Current one has gotten more emotional - his M in bad shape as well - we are each others shoulders to cry on.


As mom said in her post there are many of us who share similar stories as you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2008
In reply to: star807
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 5:09pm
I don't have much advice for you but I know what you're feeling when you say you don't want to hurt H.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
In reply to: star807
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 5:41pm

Mom, thanks for your reply, I have been reading your story and have to say I am in awe at you have handled your A. It's nice to see that they can really be happy.

You said a lot that hit home with me. My H has pretty much treated me like a hired hand for our entire marriage. I have been with him since I was 18. I raised the kids virtually alone because he works a lot. Without sharing too much info, I work 3 different jobs. One being part time that provides our health insurance, the other 2 are family business so there is no direct income to me. His theory is that since I "only" work part time, I do not help with the income. Oh yeah, I also do 100% of anything pertaining to the house.

AP has seen this for years. He know the way I have been treated and truly wants to take care of me. I love being with him, I want to be with him, we are just trying to figure it all out right now.

Thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
In reply to: star807
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 5:43pm
Jd, my kids have asked me why I stay too. Thanks for replying. I tried to leave a few times. I never had the courage. He made me feel so worthless and told me I could never do it on my own. It is amazing how they can play with your mind and you really believe them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
In reply to: star807
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 5:46pm

I'll have to go back and catch up on your story. H has been a good provider. He is a hard worker, I hate to hurt him, but I know he will be if/when he finds out about AP. Just trying to find the best way to handle it all.

Thanks