Hello All

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Hello All
24
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 4:55pm
Hey everyone - it has been a few days since I posted but I guess I feel compelled to fill you in on what happens when the MM decides that he is more important than you, the OW or however the skematics of your relationship works.

As some of you know, just over a week ago my MM basically broke down and told me that he was in a deep depression, needed time and wasn't going to pull me through his crap because he loved me so much. Well, then he lets me know it isn't goodbye just that he needs some time to get his thoughts straightened out. I have left him completely alone since that last conversation and email. I have not called, I have not even sent as much as a joke in email to him.

So, anyway, that hurt enough with everything else that has been happening between us and all of the problems that have ensued as of late. So, he emails me and tells me he misses me but that he still can't be around me but NEEDED to know how I was doing and how sorry he was that he had to do this to me. I told him exactly how I was doing. I told him how much it all hurt and that I couldn't trust him any longer after the past months as well as told him how angry I was that he had the audacity, just over a month ago, to tell me that he could no longer live without me in his life to turn around and do this to me let alone the fact that I was having a difficult time being back in the relationship to begin with because of the baby, the betrayal of him not leaving when he had said he was going to and ending up with a new baby no less, etc. On the other hand of all of that I also told him that I did still love him but that I was having serious reservations about the fact that all of this was happening and I wasn't going to be his FB. That we had too much of a history for him to walk in and out as he wanted all to just break my heart and continue telling me something is going to be when it isn't. That all of this made me feel like a piece of trash that when he wanted to he could throw it away but when he needed, he would reinvent me into a new piece of garbage until he decided it was time to throw me away again. I don't appreciate feeling like I am dispensible at the whim of someone's mood when they wake up in the morning.

Now, because I was honest with him about all of this (which I have always been honest with him about how I am feeling, good or bad) I am self-centered, inconsiderate and can't love him much if I am that mad about what he has done to me without being in the least bit concerned about how much he is hurting. That he now knows our entire relationship was a lie. That he is glad he found out about this side of me now, after our 4+ years together and that I am not the woman that he fell in love with and that this will make things much easier because he no longer will concern himself with the likes of me. The language of the email was a lot more in depth and colorful between the two of us but that doesn't need to be included here - I think you all can get the point of how I feel right now. Use your imaginations about the worst things you could imagine your MM saying to you and it was said to me.

I have never done anything to this man to hurt him - I have always been there for him and loved him going against all odds to do so. Talk about a stab to the heart. This is a man I planned on having children with - a man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, etc. and I am self-centered? I listened to him bitch about his W all of these years, even prior to the A and I am selfish? I went back into the relationship AFTER his W got pregnant and had their child and he needed to do the family thing all to turn around and beg me back into his life and not even 1 1/2 months later this is what I get? I am so angry! He is damned lucky I am loyal otherwise the troll of a W would be told and I would just throw it all out in the open because I don't deserve this treatment.

Then I think about the fact that in the close to 7 years all together than I have known him, I have never seen him act like this or treat anyone like this let alone ever doing this to me. There have never been such hateful things said between the two of us - even when I have expressed my frustration with his false promises to leave the W, etc. Why is he doing this? Is he just completely losing it and I am the easiest to let have it or is it that I didn't baby him and he expected me to since I always have. I don't know but.... I don't know how I am supposed to feel. Don't get me wrong - I am angry as hell but am I supposed to just understand it is where he is at right now and that there is no way he could really feel that way about me? Not that we would ever resume our A but.... I just don't get why when he is the one that screwed up my life, several times now, that I am the bad person in all of this. Why the hell bother giving a damn when this is what I get in return. You know, I went through the hate and emotional/physical garbage with my children's father. I never thought that I would ever hear those types of things being said to me by someone else that I was in a R with but now I have. Then I have to wonder what is wrong with me - there has to be something if I can't just be loved without all this other crap.

Sorry I am babbling on and on about nothing really but this is the only place I can put any of this. I apologize for the length of this post and thank you for reading and taking the time.

Confused

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
In reply to: queen_confused
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 6:05pm
Take it from someone who spent 10+ years being someone elses emotional punching bag, there is nothing wrong with you just because he flipped out. Maybe he truly is depressed and doesn't even know what he's saying... depression can take a lot of weird forms. You don't have to go back to him or the R, but please don't start blaming yourself. I, personally, don't think there really is a person-to-person ratio out there. I think we make our "soul" mates, and that when things fall to pieces we need to try and learn something, and adopt the attitude that the next one will be better. Hang in there and do something nice for yourself -- icecream is good!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
In reply to: queen_confused
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 6:24pm
Honey you would make a good story teller if your situation weren't real enough! If you are queen of the confused - take a break, regroup yourself and then see where you want to go. Sounds to me like you need a good vacay.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: queen_confused
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 9:06pm
Hey Confused

I'm not going to ask you how you are thats pretty clear.

Listen closely sweetheart there is nothing wrong with you other maybe then poor taste in men, but you'll do better in the future I have faith in your ablity to learn and move on to someone better next time.

This Guy is a total JERK period and that is not your fault, if there is garbage here it's not you.

One thing I have learned in this life if you want to truly get to know someone just get them mad and talking they will tell you all you need to know about who they really are, you now know who he really is, So let him go fu*k himself you don't that type in your life.

Oh and don't tell his WIFE if she boots is butt to the curb he would be better off and we don't want that do we, besides whoes door do you think he will end up at next!!!

Be well

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: queen_confused
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 10:25pm
Hello saturdaysister, opal_fire and FREE,

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my blatherings.

saturdaysister, your right - we do make our "soulmates" of which I thought he was mine but for obvious reasons this just sucks. Thank you for you words of encouragement and supportiveness in who I am rather than what he is saying. I appreciate that. I did take a long hot bubblebath though and I was at least able to relax some of the muscles in my body that have been tense for months now because of this man. Icecream I think is going to be the next indulgence - great suggestion. Have any lemon ice cream handy?

opal_fire, I am not sure what you meant by me being a good storyteller. I would prefer not to live in the drama, it just isn't my style. I have enough to contend with without someone else making things even harder on me. I have been told by those that have known me all of my life (none of which know about this)that I should write an autobiographical novel. I never know if they are just kidding or if they want it written so they can turn it into a soap opera because sometimes that is what I feel I am living rather than a life. I do need a vacation - I have not had one in 4 years mainly because of my A with MM and him expressing that he didn't really want me going on vacation without him because he was afraid I would meet someone else. Well, I guess that doesn't really matter now since he isn't going to bother with the likes of me any longer so...... Hopefully soon I will be able to get away even if it is a family vacation to Disneyland. At least then I am away from here.

FREE, my friend - I thank you. I am really starting to think that I simply wasted my time after all these years and that is a real ego stomper. I am still trying to just even realize just what all he said and how horrible it all is. Hell, if I would have known this is what would happen I would have at least charged him like the whore he is treating me like. I guess I also have to accept part of the blame for that since I let it continue after the pregnancy was known. Never, not once, did anything like this ever get said between the two of us until now and it just blows me away after his begging and pleading and all of the games to keep me in his life over the last month and a half.

I don't know that my door would be the one he would show up at if his Wife threw him out. After what he said today, he doesn't think very much of me and I guess never has. Besides, to be honest with you I wouldn't ever tell the W simply because it would give her the ammunition to gain custody and take him to the cleaners and she doesn't deserve all of that - he did work for all of those things and has supported her all these years while she has been nothing but a b***h. She doesn't deserve to be treated like a victim in all of this - that is for sure. And if I told her, that would be her trump - oh poor me - look at what my H did to me and now I am so broken up about it, etc. Your probably right when you say they deserve one another. I have seen her in action and she is a woman that I would have slapped if she ever spoke to me the way she speaks to him in front of others let alone (and that comes from a woman that put her children's father in prison for being abusive if that tells you what my opinion of her is)... and well, now, I guess he has either picked up on her habits or he taught them to her. I guess after today I am not sure which one it is.

Thanks again all. I just hope that I will wake up one of these days and it will all be gone and out of my system. I have never felt so low for so long in my entire life and it really just is not who I am or at least used to be.

Hope you all had or are having a pleasant evening.

Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: queen_confused
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 10:50pm
Honey, I feel bad for you. This guy is a player. He is using you. Now he's feeling a little guilty and doesn't want to see you but tells you he needs time to think.

He's thinking about himself alright. And not you. He is a cakeman. And now he's trying to make you feel guilty and bad? Meanwhile he's the one who went on and had a kid and everything.

Don't take that crap!! He's a user and now he's trying to make you feel guilty. He's the A8*hole here, not you!! You got to get on with your life and leave this guy behind.

Because he still has his cake and wants to eat it too. Wants to string you along ... like a nice little fish ... so when he's done with his guilty feelings, there you are to pick up the line again.

Believe me, BTDT. My MM has put me thru some NC time for about 8 weeks this last time. And he said "I needed a break, I had health problems, work was rough, home was busy". Ya, blah blah blah. I took all that crap and I still went back.

But I think we're doing okay now. Because we've never said we love each other, we are fond of each other, this I know.

But if he tries to pull this crap again, that will be it. I won't go back again. I'll just take all the toys he's bought me and make due with them.

Because an A is not a 'real' relationship. Its a fantasy, for both parties. And you have to accept that. If you're willing to wait and see him again once he's sorted out his feelings, well good for you. I gave mine the benefit of the doubt once, but I will not do that again.

Next time, That's it. No matter how much I enjoyed his company and sex. But I will not be a doormat for anyone, ever again!! And neither should you!!

Take care,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: queen_confused
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 11:01pm
Hey Confused

It is nice to here from you even under these circumstances.

Opel is write, you express yourself very well in word, I bet you could write if you tried, hell you got lots of material for a good romance novel.

I am wondering if the name confused still applies to you now that things have got a lot clearer, but still it's a nice name.

A long hot bubblebath that sounds so nice I may do that while eating icecream, bet that would take the kinks out of my back.

No vacation in four years because JERK was concerned you may meet some nice Guy, that is so selfish, go to the one in florida the beaches can't be that far away, good for the kids and you.

It's a good question who should have been charging who, I would'nt be to sure that your the one looking like a whore here, hell he may send you a bill.

He may have burned his bridges behind him with you, but I bet he will be looking for some one to cry to sooner are later and it will not be a man, it still would not surprise me to see him try with you again when the dust settles, he just strikes me as an EGO on legs, I hope you meet him with a 12 Bore.


Yep him and his chick belong together, it's called justice!

Sweetheart you were used and abused by this Con man let the blame lay were it belongs at his door,CAN YOU SAY MANIPULATOR, you most likely were not the first and will not be the last, you don't get that good at it the first time out of the gate.

Confused keep your eyes locked on your future it's there waiting for you.

How are the studies going, well I trust.

FREE


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: queen_confused
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 11:05pm
Now that I re-read your post, it makes me angry. That a woman can take such S**t from a man.

What an A**hole. Sorry, because i know you're probably in the "still luv him" stage. But from your story, oh man, this guy is a real idiot.

Please Queen, move on with your life. He sounds just horrible!! At least mine didn't say all that kind of crap when we "broke up" for that time. He just justified why he didn't get in touch with me, and although that still hurt, alot, I took him back.

But for your man to say those things to you? That is just plain MEAN. Making you feel like that, you shouldn't take it! Please, move on past this guy and find another!!

I know its hard (god, do I know that!!) but for your own sanity, I think you really need to drop this guy and move on!! Let us know what happpens and take care!!

\dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: queen_confused
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 8:29am
Good Morning Dusty and FREE,

Thank you for your supportive words.

Dusty, he has never treated me this badly - that is why I am still in utter shock even a day later. To top it off, this morning he called, like nothing happened, to be informative and let me know that the schools throughout the area had been closed. He has NOT done that since I stopped being his coworker so it was a deliberate. Of course maybe he had more to say but I didn't answer, I just let the phone ring. I just didn't want to start the day with another round of BS. And because I refuse to be inconsiderate and be at his level I sent a one line email "Thanks for your call". Thats it - nothing more, not even my name.

FREE, I have heard that the one in Florida is better than the one in Cali now and that there is more to offer in the area. I will investigate it - it will give me something to do when not doing homework. I talked to a male friend of mine last night who wants me to go on vacation with him in Memphis as well. For the first time in so long I actually told him that I would see what I could do to make it.

Thank you for the compliment on my writing abilities. Who knows, maybe someday I will take the time to write for my benefit. I don't know that it would be a great romance novel like you suggested. I have the feeling if I wrote my life it would be a tawdry novel of a person that has just seen and done a lot, intended or not. It wouldn't be a book for everyone that is for sure.

As for school, it is going ok. I am struggling in one of my graduate classes to maintain my GPA but hopefully I will be able to get that straightened out soon - I have the feeling that it has more to do with my frame of mind than I would like to admit.

He tells me that I am the first A he has ever had - whether I am or not really doesn't matter at this point. He would have to literally beg, plead, D, and a lot of other things for me to ever trust him again after yesterday. And your right, it is justice that him and his W stay together in their own misery. I would hate to have to live my life like that and I am wondering if I shouldn't be thankful that he had not actually left his W. Who knows, now all I can do is go day by day. If him activing like this does have to do with his frame of mind, he will be the one that has to regret it - not me.

Dusty and FREE - thanks again for your words of support. I hope that you both have a wonderful day. I am going to be making snowmen with my children :o)

Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: queen_confused
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 9:47am
hey Confused just a quick line

I go for the Vacation and have some fun you have earned it.

Now that's real respect, he did'nt even let the dust settle, I am begining to think he is just a total NUT CASE, I hope that you would never really consider takeing him back under any circumstances, I think he would make life a liveing hell.

You know the old saying be carefull what you wish for you might get it.

I suggest not responding to the phone calls/e-mails, I understand it's his way of putting the clock back to were it was before the A, you should put it back to a point before you laid eyes on him.

Consider the writeing Idea down the road, maybe not the great romance novel but a study of cookoos. LOL

Concentrate on your school work

Have fun in the SNOW


FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: queen_confused
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 9:59am

hey confused -- girl, you've been through the wringer in the last 24 hours!!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

Pages