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| Tue, 02-03-2004 - 4:55pm |
As some of you know, just over a week ago my MM basically broke down and told me that he was in a deep depression, needed time and wasn't going to pull me through his crap because he loved me so much. Well, then he lets me know it isn't goodbye just that he needs some time to get his thoughts straightened out. I have left him completely alone since that last conversation and email. I have not called, I have not even sent as much as a joke in email to him.
So, anyway, that hurt enough with everything else that has been happening between us and all of the problems that have ensued as of late. So, he emails me and tells me he misses me but that he still can't be around me but NEEDED to know how I was doing and how sorry he was that he had to do this to me. I told him exactly how I was doing. I told him how much it all hurt and that I couldn't trust him any longer after the past months as well as told him how angry I was that he had the audacity, just over a month ago, to tell me that he could no longer live without me in his life to turn around and do this to me let alone the fact that I was having a difficult time being back in the relationship to begin with because of the baby, the betrayal of him not leaving when he had said he was going to and ending up with a new baby no less, etc. On the other hand of all of that I also told him that I did still love him but that I was having serious reservations about the fact that all of this was happening and I wasn't going to be his FB. That we had too much of a history for him to walk in and out as he wanted all to just break my heart and continue telling me something is going to be when it isn't. That all of this made me feel like a piece of trash that when he wanted to he could throw it away but when he needed, he would reinvent me into a new piece of garbage until he decided it was time to throw me away again. I don't appreciate feeling like I am dispensible at the whim of someone's mood when they wake up in the morning.
Now, because I was honest with him about all of this (which I have always been honest with him about how I am feeling, good or bad) I am self-centered, inconsiderate and can't love him much if I am that mad about what he has done to me without being in the least bit concerned about how much he is hurting. That he now knows our entire relationship was a lie. That he is glad he found out about this side of me now, after our 4+ years together and that I am not the woman that he fell in love with and that this will make things much easier because he no longer will concern himself with the likes of me. The language of the email was a lot more in depth and colorful between the two of us but that doesn't need to be included here - I think you all can get the point of how I feel right now. Use your imaginations about the worst things you could imagine your MM saying to you and it was said to me.
I have never done anything to this man to hurt him - I have always been there for him and loved him going against all odds to do so. Talk about a stab to the heart. This is a man I planned on having children with - a man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, etc. and I am self-centered? I listened to him bitch about his W all of these years, even prior to the A and I am selfish? I went back into the relationship AFTER his W got pregnant and had their child and he needed to do the family thing all to turn around and beg me back into his life and not even 1 1/2 months later this is what I get? I am so angry! He is damned lucky I am loyal otherwise the troll of a W would be told and I would just throw it all out in the open because I don't deserve this treatment.
Then I think about the fact that in the close to 7 years all together than I have known him, I have never seen him act like this or treat anyone like this let alone ever doing this to me. There have never been such hateful things said between the two of us - even when I have expressed my frustration with his false promises to leave the W, etc. Why is he doing this? Is he just completely losing it and I am the easiest to let have it or is it that I didn't baby him and he expected me to since I always have. I don't know but.... I don't know how I am supposed to feel. Don't get me wrong - I am angry as hell but am I supposed to just understand it is where he is at right now and that there is no way he could really feel that way about me? Not that we would ever resume our A but.... I just don't get why when he is the one that screwed up my life, several times now, that I am the bad person in all of this. Why the hell bother giving a damn when this is what I get in return. You know, I went through the hate and emotional/physical garbage with my children's father. I never thought that I would ever hear those types of things being said to me by someone else that I was in a R with but now I have. Then I have to wonder what is wrong with me - there has to be something if I can't just be loved without all this other crap.
Sorry I am babbling on and on about nothing really but this is the only place I can put any of this. I apologize for the length of this post and thank you for reading and taking the time.
Confused

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Sorry it took me so long to respond to the two of you.
FREE, your right - it would be a story of cukoos.
As for not even letting the dust settle, your right, he isn't going to. He is already trying to backtrack. But the truth of the matter is - he said what he said to me and that doesn't go away. I can't forget that someone said things that hateful to me.
He emailed wanting to assure me that I know that he didn't mean what he said and that how I feel and what I want in life matters to him no matter what he is going through. He didn't actually say he was sorry - just that I matter. I really think that he is truly losing control of his life right now. I would think that I would have seen something in all these years that would have been reflective of being like this all the time. Maybe not but..... That doesn't mean that I am being stupid and accepting what he has done. It just means that I really think that something has happened that has pushed him over an edge.
There is a part of me that wishes that the A had never started because then I could help him through it rather than being part of it. Then there is the part that has a voice screaming in my head to remember what has happened over the last few months and to feel the hurt, anger, confusion, etc. and move on because life is just too short to live like this. I am allowing all of this to affect me in ways that it shouldn't and now I am going to have to work much harder in one of my classes if I want to maintain my 4.0. I got a C for the first time in my life on a test and although that is average and passing and all, it just isn't my normal caliber of work. I don't want to have to regret, years on down the line, that I didn't do by best because I allowed someone else to distract me from my life goals.
gurl - I am starting to really think that although whatever is happening was not a part of our relationship before that possibly this is a permanent change and he is going to have to look in the mirror each day and be able to live with what he is doing and how he is acting. The more and more I think about if he were to leave the W or if she were to boot him out and we were to end up together, the literal hell that she would put us through and the dangling threat of their child, etc. just isn't worth investing more of my energy. And that is one of the hardest things I have ever had to say. He has always been worth the time and investment until now and maybe someday he will be again but I can't afford to try to be the wonderful and understanding person that I think he is wanting me to be. I think that he has convinced himself that he can do whatever he wants and I will always be here for him and that just isn't the case. There is only so much a person can take.
Does this mean that since my A is simply going through the long motions of coming to what seems like an end that I have to go to the ending board? :o( This all just sucks!!!!! I just hope that I don't get soft and allow him to suck me back into the web he is weaving. I can't say that I won't ever look back that way but I also know that all of this has made me fragile emotionally when I am normally a very strong willed, upfront and upbeat kind of person - I can't stand feeling this way any longer.
Thanks again to the two of you for taking the time to care and express the things that I need to wake up to and deal with. I am thankful to have found this board when I did.
Confused
I think I can speak for Gurl when I say we are glad that you found this board as well you have made a welcome addition.
The sad thing is MM probbly is not realy sorry for what he has said and done to you and can't even see how bad it really is, way do you not block his e-mail.
If his life is falling apart it's of his own doing, he cannot expect the use people for a crutch for ever, he as I call the type is a emotional vampire sucking the life and strength out of other people to sustian himself.
A spider would be a good discription of MM.
His implosion may be the result of haveing to deal with the mess he has of his life, but like any implosion it is better to keep your distance unless you want to be sucked in and destroyed with it.
Listen to the part of your head that is telling you to move on how much more of his sh*t can you take with out suffering long term damage, focus on your school work and family, by the way a C is simply not going to be accepted by the boards standards group so you had better shape up or were going to keep you after school young lady.
You have been more then a wonderfull person to him, you have bent over backword being understanding, now be wonderfull to yourself do the things that are good for you.
Confused I think it is a safe bet to say that the A is over and he realized it the other day and that is way he freaked on you, as Gull said RUN RUN RUN AWAY FAST, but you don't have to leave the board there are more people here that are not in affairs that hang around to chat with friends then you might think.
Hope you have not dropped the vacation plans you could use a nice get away, I have heard that Florida is a fun place.
Be Well
FREE
confused sweetie, you never have to leave our board, even if your A does officially end!
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
Dear Confused,
I think everyone has said that you're making the right choice in ending your affair. I just want to add a few thoughts.
If you're in grad school, you've already learned that life is full of new beginnings. Unfortunately, new beginnings arise because of endings. And endings hurt.
We graduate from kindergarden and move into elementary school, then middle school, high school and college. Each ending is bittersweet, as we lose something precious: our teachers, our friends, our innocence, our previous view of life. But from our experience, we also carry with us lessons learned, fond memories and new dreams.
Please don't look at the time you've spent with him as "wasted." You've shared and loved, and those are things which some day you will cherish. I'm sure you've learned things that you'll apply in the future, and that you'll teach your children. I hope that you'll stay here and share some of them with us.
Be strong.
Smile.
Watch the sun rise.
Study and learn and don't forget to love.
And when the sun rises in the morning, (and it _will_), take a deep breath, accept the challenge and move on. Congratulations. You've graduated. It's time for the next level.
Cazrida
I want to thank you all for your positive advice and support. I am trying to make myself think about what all of you wonderful women have said when the tears start falling and I am questioning myself and what has happened. It is all so raw. I keep telling myself, consciously that none of this was my fault and I did all that I could do including loving him more than myself at times but there is this subconscious thing going on in my head that makes me feel like it has to be me and something wrong with me that he wouldn't choose to be happy and with someone that actually does love him and is more than capable of giving to him what one needs to sustain a loving relationship. Heck, I did it for all these years and it feel like it counted for nothing except for me to end up hurt because of allowing myself to get into a situation I never should have.
BTW cazrida - excellent analogy of how we go through life.
I just wish I could find or feel one thing positive from all of this and right now that just isn't happening. Instead I feel like I am being continuously run over by a semi.
Thanks again. I never thought that I would need emotional support through this A since everything for the first 4 years was everything any woman could hope for in a relationship excluding his M. Other than that - it just all felt right. Now, it is oh so wrong and I just don't understand.
Confused
It is odd for me to be pokeing around here on a sunday afternoon but here I am.
Sorry to here you so down, time for another bubblebath and ice cream feast!
It will take some time for you to get to the point were your going to accept that he did the things that he did and made the decisions that he did because of who he is, they really had nothing to do with you, it's like blameing a murder victim for the nature of the murderer it just does not compute.
EMSs are not really based in reality they are more often and escape from it, MM used you as that escape and when you forced him even a little to see you in the light of the real world he resented you for it, how dare you want to be a real person with real needs.
Don't try to make logical sense of EMSs there not logical there not based on sound principles, I don't think *MOST* men and women enter them for the same reasons.
At no level should you be blameing yourself period, you were not the wife abuser in your M and you did not force MM to screw up his life in any way (I suspect he used his screwed up life to bait you in the first place because your just an old softy), all you did was to try to have a real life for yourself, If you ask me you asked for very little and he gave you less than that.
Chalk it up to life experence and when your ready move on, this to will pass.
It will take time nothing you can do about that.
Have you pulled them marks back up yet?
How about the vacation got any plans made?
Be strong
FREE
good morning confused!
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
FREE, I know that you are right in that things will take time but I have never felt so lowly about myself - EVER. I don't know if that is guilt because it was an A, because I feel so stupid for having believed that he could actually love me or I am so tired that no matter what I say or do or think it hurts like hell.
No vacation plans confirmed yet but it looks like I will be going to Memphis in May to hook up with one of my ex BF's. HA - don't even think it, I think of him like a brother not a lover which is why we stopped dating.
My grades aren't where they should be but I am struggling to get up in the mornings let alone motivate to my normal day. I will get them up though because I am an annoying perfectionist and anal retentive about things like that. Besides, I don't know how I would explain it to my family. They don't know any of what is going on.
I also saw a picture of MM and his older son in our local newspaper today, at a sporting event from last week. He even looks like he is in a really bad place. That didn't help because it just hurts me that much more.
You are right in that he used his horrible life to get me into the A. It was all about how our friendship had developed over the previous two years, his M being horrible, all the things she was doing and I was witnessing, etc. That is also how he convinced me to come back into the A - life was horrible, she was horrible, things were no different than before except that they were worse and a new baby to magnify it all, etc. I questioned him if he was sure that this is what he wanted - that I would rather just not go back into the relationship and act like nothing happened for me to be hurt all over again. What a fool was I, I believed him and look where I am.
Gurl, I know each day is a new day and I need to start looking at things in that manner. It is just really hard. I don't think that I haven't shed a few tears at least every couple hours because of all that has happened. This is my worst nightmare.
Sorry I am not being very positive. I am trying to be as I said in my post about remembering what you ladies have given me advice about. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I feel like I am shutting down and I am starting to kind of fear what this new journey is going to be. I don't think I can take much more. If this wasn't a public board I would explain what I mean but for now, MM isn't the only bad thing happening in my life, which I think I have alluded to before. I just feel like I am suffocating in my own life. As FREE said, and I surely hope she is right, this too shall pass.
Thanks again, it always gives me some sort of refuge away from the other garbage when I can come here and read at least positive and supporting statements as well as see that I am not alone which is pretty much how I feel right now. Funny how much I end up typing when all I really wanted to do was respond with a couple of quick lines. I guess I realease a little part of my own state of mind when I write how I feel. I hope that someday I will be able to return the favor to others on this board and provide them the tremendous help that all of you have me.
Hope you both had a great day. I am off to view some videos regarding multiculturism and its effects on the US. I am excited :o( Oh well - it will help me get my next paper done but it is one of the most stale and boring subjects I have ever been required to take.
Confused
confused -- honey, stay with us here and write all you want to, pages and pages!!
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
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