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| Tue, 02-03-2004 - 4:55pm |
As some of you know, just over a week ago my MM basically broke down and told me that he was in a deep depression, needed time and wasn't going to pull me through his crap because he loved me so much. Well, then he lets me know it isn't goodbye just that he needs some time to get his thoughts straightened out. I have left him completely alone since that last conversation and email. I have not called, I have not even sent as much as a joke in email to him.
So, anyway, that hurt enough with everything else that has been happening between us and all of the problems that have ensued as of late. So, he emails me and tells me he misses me but that he still can't be around me but NEEDED to know how I was doing and how sorry he was that he had to do this to me. I told him exactly how I was doing. I told him how much it all hurt and that I couldn't trust him any longer after the past months as well as told him how angry I was that he had the audacity, just over a month ago, to tell me that he could no longer live without me in his life to turn around and do this to me let alone the fact that I was having a difficult time being back in the relationship to begin with because of the baby, the betrayal of him not leaving when he had said he was going to and ending up with a new baby no less, etc. On the other hand of all of that I also told him that I did still love him but that I was having serious reservations about the fact that all of this was happening and I wasn't going to be his FB. That we had too much of a history for him to walk in and out as he wanted all to just break my heart and continue telling me something is going to be when it isn't. That all of this made me feel like a piece of trash that when he wanted to he could throw it away but when he needed, he would reinvent me into a new piece of garbage until he decided it was time to throw me away again. I don't appreciate feeling like I am dispensible at the whim of someone's mood when they wake up in the morning.
Now, because I was honest with him about all of this (which I have always been honest with him about how I am feeling, good or bad) I am self-centered, inconsiderate and can't love him much if I am that mad about what he has done to me without being in the least bit concerned about how much he is hurting. That he now knows our entire relationship was a lie. That he is glad he found out about this side of me now, after our 4+ years together and that I am not the woman that he fell in love with and that this will make things much easier because he no longer will concern himself with the likes of me. The language of the email was a lot more in depth and colorful between the two of us but that doesn't need to be included here - I think you all can get the point of how I feel right now. Use your imaginations about the worst things you could imagine your MM saying to you and it was said to me.
I have never done anything to this man to hurt him - I have always been there for him and loved him going against all odds to do so. Talk about a stab to the heart. This is a man I planned on having children with - a man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, etc. and I am self-centered? I listened to him bitch about his W all of these years, even prior to the A and I am selfish? I went back into the relationship AFTER his W got pregnant and had their child and he needed to do the family thing all to turn around and beg me back into his life and not even 1 1/2 months later this is what I get? I am so angry! He is damned lucky I am loyal otherwise the troll of a W would be told and I would just throw it all out in the open because I don't deserve this treatment.
Then I think about the fact that in the close to 7 years all together than I have known him, I have never seen him act like this or treat anyone like this let alone ever doing this to me. There have never been such hateful things said between the two of us - even when I have expressed my frustration with his false promises to leave the W, etc. Why is he doing this? Is he just completely losing it and I am the easiest to let have it or is it that I didn't baby him and he expected me to since I always have. I don't know but.... I don't know how I am supposed to feel. Don't get me wrong - I am angry as hell but am I supposed to just understand it is where he is at right now and that there is no way he could really feel that way about me? Not that we would ever resume our A but.... I just don't get why when he is the one that screwed up my life, several times now, that I am the bad person in all of this. Why the hell bother giving a damn when this is what I get in return. You know, I went through the hate and emotional/physical garbage with my children's father. I never thought that I would ever hear those types of things being said to me by someone else that I was in a R with but now I have. Then I have to wonder what is wrong with me - there has to be something if I can't just be loved without all this other crap.
Sorry I am babbling on and on about nothing really but this is the only place I can put any of this. I apologize for the length of this post and thank you for reading and taking the time.
Confused

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Sorry to be getting back to you so late , but been working late today.
It sounds like you may be going through some nasty withdrawl symptoms, there is no easy way around them it takes time and NO CONTACT mostly.
Most people will question themselfs about way they got into an A after it's over , and when it ends badly the anger at MM can splash back on yourself wondering "how could I".
This whole thing has cost you a lot of selfesteem and it will take time to rebuild it, please be patient with yourself.
Are you takeing care of yourself, eating right getting out to have some exercise TRYING to sleep enough?
I hope you do get away for some vacation with your friend , It seems you need a friend now more then a lover.
Don't kill yourself over the grades I was just joshing you on them in the past, just do the best you can for now.
Try not to read to much into a newspaper picture they tend to be bad in most cases, his state good are bad is his problem you have enough of your own to worry about.
Your a little older and a little wiser now is were your at.
Confused you need to be able to vent here or some were else so I am going to offer you a ready ear by giveing you an e-mail address that I check twice a day if you chose to use it great if not thats ok I will look for your posts here elbrya@hotmail.com
Keep in touch and remember we are all here for you.
Your friend
FREE
Thank you for offereng extended support outside of this forum. It is appreciated. I will email you both simply so you can see that I am not psycho (which is how I feel a lot of the time) but that I am really overloaded and MM and his stunts were the last straw. I do get up in the morning, it is just hard because I don't want to face how I am feeling. Kind of seems silly actually but part of me wishes I could wake up and the pain was gone rather than getting up and going through another day cycling in and out of being ok and not, crying and not, being angry or not, etc. Even the wondering if he is going to contact me or not seems almost obsessive because I am not really sure of where he is at and at this point that shouldn't matter but for whatever reason it does.
As for counseling, I would love to say that it would help but..... My oldest son is in counseling for his disabilities so I know all of the therapists in the office that I would have to go to in this area. None of them are firm enough, in my opinion, and for me - I need someone that can tell it like it is and not baby me. That is why I like posting here, because I have gotten support from people that are willing to do just that, tell it like it is. Besides, there is also the danger of them knowing MM, etc. because the communities around here are so small that it seems like everyone knows everyone in some way. I don't think I want to subject myself to that kind of criticism or potential harm to him because I broke and talked to someone.
Evil as it may sound, there is also a part of me that wishes someone would figure it out and call him out on what he has done, tell the W, whatever. I know that is wrong and is not a pressing feeling so don't worry. I just feel so isolated while he is out there sucking up God only knows how much attention because he is freaking out about life and somehow I am not entitled to do the same or for people to realize what he has done to put himself in that position. I am tired of having to appear to be the "rock" to everyone. It takes energy that I just don't have right now.
Anyway, check your emails. Thanks again for everything that you have done.
Confused
Thank you for your kind words and intuitive thoughts. I know that I should not be allowing this to affect me so much. In fact, I know that most of what people have said to me here is true, I know what and what is not my problem, etc. but somehow on the subconscious level that gets thrown out the door somehow. I just never knew how much I could love a person until MM and having thought for so long that it was reciprocated for all those years to then be faced with it all being nothing but a game for him has thrown me for a loop. It has really made me question why I am not deserving of the love that I have given as well as the love that he said he felt for me. Makes me feel like my contributions, to anything, are not important enough or good enough. That is why I have said that I am consciously making an effort to think about the things that have been said to me on this board when I am really having a hard time in hopes that eventually I just won't even go there anymore. I know that I am in a very unhealthy situation and state of mind right now and that for my own self-preservation it needs to change.
I appreciate all of the positive thoughts and prayers. I hope to eventually be able to return to this board all of the support and caring for one another that I have received in the short time that I have been here. If my experience can help someone else then I truly hope that I can be of enough character to be there for that person.
Thank you again saturdaysister for taking the time.
Confused
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