Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Help!
4
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 2:43pm
Hello everyone. I've been lurking for awhile and have finally decided to post. Here's a little background...

Me - Single, 27

MM - W, 3 kids, 42

We've been seeing each other for about 9 months and it's pretty intermitten. I've thought it was all about sex all along, but recently he said something that made me think maybe he wants it to be more or thinks it's more. So, I wrote him an email, which is something I've never done before. I sent it this morning and have yet to hear back from him. I'm very scared that he won't respond and that maybe it was too serious for him. We've never talked about where our relationship is going or what' wrong with his M. I never asked and he's never brought it up.

I'm going to copy the letter and could really use your advice on it. I'm afraid I was too straighforward and serious...but everything i said, needed to be said. Okay, here goes:

Good morning :) Hope you don't have a crazy morning and you can take a few minutes to read this. I've got tons of stuff on my mind and I need to share some of it. This seems to be a good way to do it since I have no idea when I'll see you or speak to you again....history shows it could be days or weeks from now. So, I was thinking a lot this weekend about a comment you made on Friday. You said something like "what do you care, you're just f'ng me." Well, that stuck with me and I've had a chance to think about it a bit...a lot actually. I wish I could've given you more to chew on when you said it, but I'm sure the words wouldn't have come out right anyway. Here's what I'm thinking -- If anyone should feel like they are just being used for sex it should be me. You are the one that always has to leave, the one that rarely returns calls & emails, the one that goes days without contact and then acts as if it were no big deal. Yesterday is a perfect example! So, I ask myself, who's just f'ng who here?

I didn't set out to start a relationship with you and never thought I'd find myself in this situation, but here we are and I don't see myself wanting to stop anytime soon. I have an intense attraction to you and I give into it, knowing it's wrong. Half the time I think it's crazy for me to keep seeing you when I know I could easily be with someone that could give me so much more, without so many complications and limitations. I don't know why we both continue knowing there is so much at risk, but seeing you absolutely brightens my day. At any rate, I think I know what I want with you and it's more than just absolutely phenomenal sex, but I'm not sure what you want. I need you to tell me. I hate not hearing from you and not having a clue where you stand. Can we please get together soon and talk? Lunch today or later this evening?

P.S. -- you should get a hotmail account so I can email you without being so nervous :) Just say yes and I'll get it for you ---


____okay, that's it. I appreciate your feedback. Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: bhappy2176
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 3:01pm
Hi bhappy,

Without knowing much about your situation or your MM, here's my 2cents. Two scenarios come to mind: One is that his comment to you shows that he was clearly looking for you to tell him your feelings and perhaps, fawn over him. I get the feeling that you've somehow managed this A without expressing any feelings and this makes some men nervous. You being all emotionally vulnerable feeds a man's ego. He's 15 yrs older than you and tied down with a family. He probably isn't that happy with his life and you saying how you feel about him makes him feel better about himself. Thats basically what EMA's do for married people. Someone new who sees things in you that your spouse doesn't, makes you feel better about yourself. Scenario two is that he has come to have his own feelings for you and is insecure so he wants to know how you feel. regardless, becareful. Does he have any plans to leave his W and children? Try not to fall in love with him. You are young and free. I'm not judging. I am recently separated and so is MM but we agreed that after a certain time period we would leave our homes or each other. Talk in person to him. You deserve to know where you stand. These are your best years! Are you dating other men? I hope you are.

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
In reply to: bhappy2176
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 3:25pm
Thanks Ivy. You were right on about me managing this A without showing feelings. And He has certainly started to show his insecurities a little more lately. I want to let him know that I care and that I want to be open with my emotions, but not until I know where he stands. I'm not seeing anyone else right now and have had plenty of opportunities to date other guys, but I'm just not interested. Plus, I've been so busy lately with work and friends that I haven't wanted to make time for anyone else but him. I hope to god that this doesn't freak him out and send him running. I have a feeling that I won't hear from him for a little while, but I know I have to be strong and let it takes it's course. I think I put the ball in his court without putting too much on the line. I had about 5 drafts of that letter before I finally sent it! The truth is, he is always on my mind and I can't ever get enough of him, but I didn't want to let him know too much in case he does reject me. I'm prepared for that, but I know it's going to hurt for a long time. But, if he does come to me and say what he wants, then we can get past this stage of unknowingness and be open with our feelings.

Thanks. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
In reply to: bhappy2176
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 3:34pm
Hi.

I thought your letter was excellent.

Perfectly thought out, and just the right amount of everything.

I agree with Ivy. The two scenario's and as well, your comment back to her describing the insecurities. I think that any two people over a 9 mo period of time, would find a way to have some type of relationship....friends, lovers, whatever...... We're human, we develop feelings for people, that's who we are. Especially women.

I admire you're resistance in sharing more than you have. That other email would be a great idea, my OM and I did that. He actually heard from other women as well, it was difficult for me not to get jealous. Does he know you don't see other people????

I'm sure he'll respond as soon as he's ready......would love to know how it goes...

NSS

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: bhappy2176
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 7:12pm
yes, yes and yes!! I vote for yes to sending the letter to the MM. Gives me the goosebumps when i see such heart to heart stuff on emails. Its been a long time since i got lovey dovey emails from my OM. oh well, sigh.... good luck!