Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2014
Help!
7
Sat, 01-18-2014 - 1:51am

So there is this guy that I work with, he's married and about a year and a half ago we became friends. We started working on projects together, which led to us emailing on and off.  We started emailing more often and would go out after work sometimes. I thought there was a connection, but wasn't sure as I've been single a while and never had an interest in a married man. Well let's just say after the daily all day long emails eventually one thing led to another. We have not slept together yet, but have discussed it and we've done other stuff. At no point has it ever been brought up about him leaving his wife and I don't think that's what he wants. I don't know if it's just about the sex he isn't getting at home, he said it's been a while or if it's more?? I know I need to end this before it goes any farther, but it's hard because we work together, we are friends, and I think I have some strong feelings for him. I know I'm going to get hurt in the end and I definitely don't want anyone to find out, although before it happened co-workers were speculating. Any advice would be great!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013
Sat, 01-18-2014 - 8:04am

It sounds like you want more from him then he is willing to give,so you are setting yourself up to get hurt and you need to stop now.You do not want to work with a person you are having an afair with ,because if/when it end badly you will be seeing him all the time and you don't want those emotions in the office and maybe lose your job also.I am sure the attention is great since you have been single for awhile and its always nice to know we catch somebodies eye,but this is not the right guy for you unless you are will to be just friends with Befnifits because he will not be leaving his wife. I am not sure what you have done already since you said you had did some stuff physically but it needs to stop there.  .  

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 01-18-2014 - 10:15am

Run for the Hills!

Yes, this is an affair support board, and should you choose to continue with your affair, you will be supported here...not by me mind you, but by others.

But since you are looking for help, I'll suggest backing off and down...already you are emotionally involved, and it's just really only a crush.  He, on the other hand, hasn't really given you anything except a little attention - and when we are starved for attention, any attention our way is enough to get us in trouble...like playing around with a married man...in the workplace no less.

If you want to be just fun on the side, then go for it.  For most women, just sex usually leaves them feeling used eventually...even though we started out agreeing to be just a play thing...it's just the way we women tick.

Like the previous poster said, if the affair turns sour...and chances are high it will, then you will be stuck working with each other 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and it will be torture...for you.  And you might want to check out the company policy on workplace romances.  Believe me, if an affair comes to light, men are fierce about keep their job...you, will most likely, be thrown under the bus and find yourself looking for employment elsewhere.  That under the bus scenario also holds true pretty much if your affair is every discovered by his wife.

I'd nip this in the bud to preserve your dignity and job.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 01-18-2014 - 10:42am

I'd also add that if co-workers are already talking about you when you haven't started the affair, that is not good.  I don't know what kind of job you have but we women have to work harder to get respect at work and if people look at you as some kind of homewrecker or floozy (somehow it's always the woman's fault even when it's the man who is married) it certainly won't be good for your reputation.  Do you really want people gossiping about you at work like that?  So you really need to cool your interactions with him in public.  I would also say don't assume that he's not getting sex at home, even if he says he's not--some men can be getting sex every night at home and still will have an affair because they like the excitement or it's a big ego boost to have 2 women who want them.  I think you will definitely lose out more than he will--he'll be able to go home to his wife and family and you will be left alone.  I understand that it's a rush to have someone want you when you are single but your time would be better served by looking for a single man--outside of work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2014
Sun, 01-19-2014 - 12:51am

Thank you everyone for your advice. I know it has to end and the sooner the better. I guess I never thought of it as a friends with benefits relationship, but that's exactly what it is. I work with mostly men and there aren't any other single women so that's why the women were gossiping about me. It seems any guy I talk to single or otherwise they assume things. As for being fired lets just say i know that wouldn't happen, but I don't need that reputation either. So how do I go about ending this when I still have to work with him all the time? I guess I should have thought about that sooner, but I got swept up in the passin or maybe it was just the thrill.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013
In reply to: ctown75
Sun, 01-19-2014 - 3:06am

I think you can just saw we need to keep this on a professional level and we cannot have an socail relationship,plus says you are looking for a single man of your own that can be there for you and then you will just need to resist the urges when they come back.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Sun, 01-19-2014 - 10:15am

You came to your senses...good good good :)

I'd approach him first thing and say something to the effect, "Listen, we're behaving inappropriately. Let's keep it professional from now on."   Short and sweet, but firm.  Show no upset...more matter of fact. Concentrate on your work and avoid looking his way unless necessary. You want to convey that you are a woman of your word and conviction who just had a momentary lapse in judgement.

Good luck.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Mon, 01-20-2014 - 9:22pm

 Look it is not new inthe world to want a FWB/lover/booty call.  At work is just the wrong place for many reasons.  Choosing a lover is an art in where they are in it for the same reasons you are.   As far as the reputation do not concern yourself. 

dragowoman