Help analyzing MM's motives!!!
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| Tue, 08-19-2003 - 12:14pm |
For those that don't know me - I'm single and have been involved with my boss and MM for about 4 months. We were VERY close friends for 2 years prior to our A starting. I'm also VERY close to his W and family. About 2 weeks ago we ALMOST got caught but were able to do damage control and minimize the A to just "feelings" that were never acted on. Anyway - W and I are still friends and although they've had a rough couple weeks I KNOW they will stay together and remain in a marriage that MM loves and is happy with. He will NEVER leave her or their two small children and I've known this from the get go although from time to time I've struggled with it thinking my love could change his mind - but I know now (after the past 2 weeks) it never will and truly I will be the one to LOSE! :(
So, anyway RIGHT AFTER it came out - he pulled away from me although we did have to work together for damage control - but once he had an opportunity to "talk" he basically called "us" off and said he just couldn't do that to W. 2 days later his tune was softening and he was saying he wanted to let things blow over and see where "we" can go from there - that he still wants me in his life and still "wants me" but isn't sure to what degree we can be now.
Since last week - he's pretty much all but told me he wants to stay involved he's just not sure how and here's the kicker - he won't be intimate with me right now! And it's driving me insane because I feel like we NEED it to draw closer together during this time and he's withholding! :( It kinda hurts cause I KNOW he wants it and we've kissed a couple times and he's ALL for "talking" trying to figure things out - but he rejects me everytime I try to push the IC envelope! :( He says he just can't right now and it doesn't mean he doesn't want to - he just has to do this... for himself for a time!?!?!?! What the hell!?!?!
So... what do you all think? Is he just stringing me along or do you think he really is going through a "recovery period" after this little scare? If there are ANY men around that can help with this I would GREATLY appreciate it - but ladies feel free to comment too! ;) He's told me to "set up a time" for us to talk and try and "figure things out" and I suggested an overnight soon and he seemed to go for it - but I will shrivel up if he rejects me an entire night! :(
Thoughts, comments, advice?

It sounds, though, like you still have hopes for other expectations out of this R and that's where you need to be cautious. Why are you so eager to push the intimacy envelope when you already know he's made up his mind that he will never be yours?
He's obviously got an idea of where/how he thinks this should go. Give him the time and space to do that. If you keep pushing, he'll undoubtedly keep pulling and that gets both of you no where.
Do you know why you're in this EMA? Now that you know he'll never leave, is it really going to be enough for you?
take care of yourself.
lily
It seems to me that there is the potential for you two to continue but it is dependent on "your" actions and your respect for his boundaries. It doesn't sound like you are truly accepting that he wants to keep his marriage or want to allow him to do what he feels he needs to do beyond your desires. Also, while you say that you two are friends, you seem to feel that you must use the sex as a means to "keep" him in your life. You said that you two worked together in the damage control, but perhaps he HAD to pull away from you because the demands you were making were counter-productive to what needed to be done?
If he wants to meet and talk and see how things may need to change, do that if you want a relationship with him, sexual or not. Do not try to force sex on him because if it were you, you would not appreciate someone who was unwilling to talk to you and wanted to force you into sex when that wasn't your intent. He has told you that he desires you. But he is also telling you that he can't just throw everything away just to have sex with you and he still wants to have you as a friend. You say that he is your boss as well. Well, this is a situation that also affects work and you should consider that as well. So in essence, he is not a fool. :-)
It sounds like you need to "analyze" what you want and if your actions and this relationship are taking you in that direction. The other thing that you may want to do is establish some priorities/boundaries in "your" life. He is your boss, you are "close" friends of the family, and "close" to the W. Whether you sleep with this man or simply be his friend, you need to establish some boundaries with him, your employment, and his family where you have a life that does not include any of these people. I personally don't believe that the world ends if the W discovers an affair, but I do wonder if you have a life outside of these people. Also, where do you end up if you are not working for him? How is your next job and references affected by this relationship?
My advice would be to analyze these things before you talk to him and let the sex be a secondary concern.
Rose
I don't know if you know my "story": I also am in an A with MM, know the W and family, and know that MM is not leaving the M. MM knew I would be seperating/divorcing when we began FWB, and I'm now seperated. We were just about caught out at the beginning, though able to explain it, and W was very suspicious for some time.
There were alot of boundaries set by MM - and I understood there had to be if we wanted to keep our A to ourselves. During the time we've been FWB (a little over a year), MM has "pulled back", but then I have too, on a regular basis - I consider them breaks, and this too is something we need to keep a perspective and a balance in our lives. Even while we aren't intimate, we still are friends - and to be honest I think it takes a balance of both of those (as well as respect, honesty, trust, and etc.) to maintain a good relationship. Now some of those boundaries has changed as we've gotten to know each other better.
As well, I don't think any two people, no matter what type of relationship they are in, should consider the relationship a priority over other areas in their life, whether physical or not. One needs to balance work, school, interests, family, etc. with the relationship so as not to lose ones own self.
I don't think your MM is "stringing you along" - it sounds like he is trying to find that balance for himself. He's used to juggling work, responsibilities, personal time and family, and now has added an A to the mix.
Now you should consider if you want to add the relationship as it is (that it will only ever be FWB) to your mix - whether it will affect your balance. Well, yes, it may affect your balance sometimes (just as any other aspect does), but overall, will you be able to maintain a balance. Consider what you want out of the relationship, and whether he can provide that.
And, do you think you should set yourself up for the possibility of rejection/hurt in planning an overnight when he has said he is not ready to resume IC?
If you want to continue as FWB, then be patient and give him the time/space he needs - I think you'd rather he continue on his terms rather than yours so you know he is in it because he wants to be. But, remember to enjoy other aspects in your life to keep a balance! (And, I don't think alot of analyzing will help in keeping a balance, lol).
This is JMHO based on my own experience - but I hope it helps some. Be sure to keep us updated!
Hugs,
Meow