HELP!!! Between a rock & a hard place...
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| Tue, 09-02-2008 - 10:51am |
I don't know what to do...
Here is a bit of background to the situation...in January of this year I told my H I wanted a separation, I moved out in February....as far as I was concerned (and he too), our marriage was over. I chose not to go to court to fight for sole custody of our 2 kids and they stayed with their father.....and basically had no contact with me...their choice....it was awful for me, I missed my kids and hoped that in time they would come around and see that it was ok to love both parents even though we weren't together anymore.....but that didn't happen...they continued to be very mad at me and not want to spend time with me...I attended every soccer game and endured their ignoring me...through all of this I went forward to build a new life for myself on my terms....in July after H and I had been separated for 7 months, I made a decision to move away and start over in a new city with the emotional support of my biological family...with the support of my adopted parents I met with STBX H to tell him I had decided to move as it was so difficult for me here...to make a long story short, during the conversation, we went from agreeing that my moving was a good decision....STBX told me he was planning to begin seeing someone once we had signed our separation agreement....and I was genuinely happy for him...next thing I know we were talking about and actually getting back together....which we are...I have completely moved back into our home. The kids are ecstatic and did a complete 180...from hating me to saying they love me and to never leave again....(THAT is a whole other issue) So now we come to my problem.......
During the time H and I were separated, I met and dated a few men....one man in particular got under my skin and into my heart...this man is married and when we met there was no intention of it being anything other than coffee friends...we met one day in march to walk my dog...it was too cold so I suggested we go to my place....and I told him in no uncertain terms that we were not having sex.....so we listened to music, chatted and had coffee....when he left he gave me a hug and without thinking I kissed him...and he kissed me back...it was like nothing I had ever felt before...eventually at another time we ended up being intimate and that was amazing....I have never in my life experienced passion like that with a man...not even my H. Because he is married I knew that I was in for a lot of lonely times when he would need to be with his family...so although we were spending time together...I continued to date single men....I met one and broke off with MM to try and build something with this other guy....I cried for days when I broke things off, although we chatted still on MSN...one day while chatting he invited me to meet for coffee...the second I saw him I knew he was the one I wanted to be with....this man took time off from his work to see me when I was extremely upset with out me asking and he told me he did it because he felt I needed some comfort, he was with me when my kids father told me I couldn't have my kids on mother's day....and held me as I cried...we truly have an emotional connection as well as a physical one. When I told him my H and I were getting back together, he supported that decision and encouraged me...though he did tell me he would miss me....I knew I had fallen in love with him several months before and I know he had figured out I had, I never told him. So now we come to last week....this man is still on my mind all the time.....we chat on msn and we've both told each other we missed the others company...we talked for hours about any and everything...we decided to meet and walk my dog...we talked about how things were going and he told me he missed me, but that since I was back with my husband anything that would happen would be my decision and my move...he wasn't going to ask me to choose as that wasn't fair...his situation wasn't going to change...he has always been free to see me and be with me with his wife's knowledge and agreement and knows when he's been with me. I had to decide what I wanted...he would respect my decision...( I know, sounds unbelievable). while we sat on a bench in the park I asked him what he was thinking when he looked at me...he said he wouldn't tell me as he didn't want to confuse me. I told him I wanted to know...and he wrapped his arms around me and told me he loved me....and I told him I love him....and I do....I am back with my husband and will never leave my kids again..but I want to be with the other man more than anything......so now what do I do???? **sorry this is sooo long....ask me anything you want to help me sort this out** Thanks in advance for your help.....

Hi Duchie -
I am so sorry you are going through this.