Help! Do I go out on a date?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Help! Do I go out on a date?
16
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 4:23pm

For those of you following my story, I was hoping to get some advice on whether or not I should go out on a date (a drink, maybe dinner) with a guy I recently met.


If you don't know my story, very briefly, I've been dating a guy for about 13 months now, 9 of those months supposedly seriously/exclusively.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Fri, 12-18-2009 - 2:38am

Oooh, boy! Couldn't remember if I told you guys or not! The latest texts were to a woman he knows here in town. They don't hang out, have known each other a few years, and talk mainly via text or IM. From what I can tell she sends him texts about relationship problems she's having and he tries to help her.

However, he also likes to flirt/hit on her. The first thing that got me upset was when she left him a pre-made "funny" picture message on a on a social networking site about 2 months ago. It was quite sexual in nature. I saw that and got irritated, confronted BF/AP. He apologized about it, said he swears on his mother he has never touched her, thinks she is out of line, she doesn't know about me, etc. He deleted the message on the web site, then offered, without my asking, to send her a text telling her he saw her message and that he officially has a gf. I said I'd appreciate that and I'm not mad at her only because she didn't know I was around/he had a GF. He even let me watch as he sent the text. A few weeks later, I asked if she replied or anything, he said she did not and that she was likely feeling embarrassed/foolish. Ok, understandable.

The latest thing I saw in his phone consisted of her telling him she ended things with this latest guy she was dating. He told her she was making the right decision, being supportive. He told her "if you let the guy treat you like dog food that is all you're gonna eat." Hm, I should probably follow his advice and apply it to him!

A little later (next day) she told him she was going to be cutting her hair. He replied "Aw man, not before you let me pull it!" WTF. She basically blew him off. A couple of more texts went back and forth mainly her being like "whatever" and him being kind of flirty. Then, she asked "how's your girl?" he texted back "Which one? They all want me to give it to them and then leave me" She texted back "I thought you had a girlfriend?" His reply, "Naw. I thought it could get serious, but I guess I was wrong." WTF!!!!

So, judging by that, I'm guessing he wants to get in her pants, so is pretending to have broken up with me. Because from the few texts I read, she seems to be the type not to cross those boundaries with a guy (being an "OW"). From what it sounds like in later texts he's been saying he's going to take her to lunch for...years now!...and still hasn't followed thru. Maybe its a game with him...getting his ego stroked by her without actually following thru on the actions. In turn, she gets an ego boost from him hitting on her. Still all wrong with me being in the picture.

Then, of course, there are the texts to FWB. Few and far between and are things like "I'm on the way home" "Thanks for picking up..." or the others I've mentioned he sends her periodically when he's with me, "I'm tired, I'm going to bed *kiss*" or "I hope you have a good nite. I miss you." Ugh.

Latest update with the date guy: I said I was going to call him next week and explain things; the on again off again deal and me not being in the position to enter into anything even semi-serious. Well, I get a text from him tonite asking me what if he wants to pursue something with me further. Oh jeez. Didn't think I'd be having that conversation so soon. So, I called him (didn't want to explain over text) and tried to explain where I am at right now without giving too many details.

I said I would be willing to be friends because we share a lot of rare/common interests and I think that's really cool, but he's also a little young for me. I told him I couldn't "fairly" give anymore than friendship right now. I need to figure out stuff for myself and make sure I am totally out of the situation I am in before considering another relationship. He sounded really disappointed. He said he would like to try to be friends with me, but it would be very hard for him to leave it at that. He feels very comfortable and content around me. I told him I very much appreciated his honesty and if we try to be friends/hang out and he can't handle it, then let me know and I will back off or leave him alone completely. Right now, my life is a a little messed up and I don't want to cause any drama for him as a result or otherwise short change him.

This is so the story of my life. I either end up with someone I dedicate a ton of time to who I think loves me and is trustworthy, but ends up screwing me over/taking advantage; or with someone who "falls in love" with me after 10 minutes (not that he said that, but you know what I mean) who I have little/no interest in and have to let down. Insane.




Edited 12/18/2009 3:21 am ET by torn_apart_goddess
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Fri, 12-18-2009 - 7:30am

torn_apart, You are single and your AP is not married then why doesnt he just break up with his fWB and be with you when you are wanting a bf as well and connect on the emotional level also??

Doesnt make much sense to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Fri, 12-18-2009 - 7:00pm

No clue!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2007
Fri, 12-18-2009 - 7:56pm
It sounds to me that he is just not a good person for you. You deserve better. I am sorry you are being treated this way. It's crappy. He gets to do what he pleases and gets upset if you do. I would never trust a man who is living with a woman. It just doesn't seem right to me. Please find someone who will treat you with love and respect. You deserve that, and more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Fri, 12-18-2009 - 11:03pm

Oh boy,


I bet you are fed up especially after seeing those texts. If my AP denied being with me to someone who is just a friend, i would be so pissed. I'm suprised you were able to contain yourself and not call him on it.


What is his problem? He has a good woman right in front of him and it's like he's so freaking clueless as to what he's supposed to do with this wonderful woman. I feel like that about my XAP. He was an absolute idiot to allow me to slip through his fingers. These are some of the most dizzy men I've ever seen in my life. Ok, let me calm down, I getting angry.


I dont know if you read my post about when I confronted xap about the email I'd seen. It was so ridiculous, the excuse and lameness of the lie he tried to feed me. Anyways, it's posted on here somewhere. You sound like you're starting to feel like me when it was close to the end. I just want you to find happiness in your next R. I want the same for myself. I'm really trying to move on. It's easy somedays and others not so much.


I'm excited about you getting your space when AP goes OOT. (out of town). I believe it will really do you some good. I know you have your speech ready. I had planned my speech for a few months and believe or not it came out pretty much the way I planned.


Just keep hanging in there, It will work out however it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Sat, 12-19-2009 - 1:32am

Hey caribu,

Yes, I did read your other posts about you confronting him on the e-mail. Total b.s!! They will lie, lie, lie, deny, deny, deny. The things he told you were utterly ridiculous....letting a friend borrow his e-mail account...please!

Guess the only reason I didn't go screaming my head off at him is b/c I didn't want him knowing I snooped thru his phone. Granted, he's the one totally in the wrong. I snooped because I was suspicious and what I found just confirmed all suspicions and then some. So while snooping is wrong, what he did/is doing is worse. I'm sick of it. I dealt with this same exact crap for 3+ years with my xH. I'm done.

I was debating (still am a tiny bit) about breaking it off with him and keeping him as a FWB. Right now, I am just so pissed and disgusted that I don't even know if I want to sleep with him. The sex has always been amazing; but, when you have that mental block/anger going it kinda ruins it (for me anyway). At this very moment, I think I would find it more satisfying to go absolutely insane on him calling him every name in the book and outing him for what he is. Mmmm. LOL. It might change by the time I see him, but who knows.

I'm trying to wait til after xmas cuz, get this, I WANT MY XMAS GIFT! lmao God, that sounds horrible, but I want him to have to get me something...I feel it's the least that's owed to me at this point. It's only a few more days away. So, maybe, I can delay my blow up til then.

That's so great your speech came out the way you wanted. I know sometimes in the heat of the moment or under pressure it comes out wrong or just not has you had rehearsed. I've been composing mine and in the last week it has gone from the "nice" version to the "truth" version as I'm calling it.

I really, truly hope you find happiness in your next relationship, too. Everyone deserves to be happy (except for XAP's...LOL...sorry, just a little irritated right now). You seem like a lovely person with many good qualities. You deserve someone worthy of all those great qualities, your love and your respect. From what you have posted it sounds like you are doing pretty well, all things considered. It's hard, but I think you are much better off with the situation the way it is now. You sound stronger each time you post. I'm so glad to see that! *hugs*

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