Help! I am OW .. think I am pregnant!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Help! I am OW .. think I am pregnant!
14
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:56pm
I was hoping this might be a good place to get some advice or to at least tell my story since so many of you are in similar situations. Where do I start? About a year and a half ago, my now ex-husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore. Not long before he realized this, I had a m/c and we had up until his "revelation" been trying to conceive our second child. I also found out that he was at least emotionally involved with another woman (he denies it was an A until this day but I don't really believe that). Anyway, it was obviously a tough time for me and I began to confide in this man at work who I had been friendly with. He is the type of person who goes out of his way to help anyone and was a really great friend to me during the divorce and moving into a new home with my son, etc. Well, I probably realized I was developing feelings for him but would never even think of crossing that line because I believed he was happily married. Then, a couple of months ago, we went to a night time work function together and ended up going out afterwards, just the two of us. He ended up kissing me that night and telling me he had fallen in love with me. I was very confused but ended up starting an A with him. Since we work together, we are able to go to lunch everyday (everybody just thinks we are good friends - he is the LAST person anybody would suspect is having an A) and see each other quite often here and there outside of work since his wife kind of knows me. I alternate between feeling blissfully happy about our relationship to feeling like the biggest heal that ever lived! He has talked about leaving his wife but is worried about his girls (11 + 14 years old).

Now I am pretty sure I am pregnant and I am so scared! (5 days late but I am always regular!) I am a single mom as it is to a 3 and a half year old. I have no family that lives near by to help me. I doubt any of my friends would support or understand this situation I have gotten myself into. And, I am so afraid to tell MM. I am afraid he will think I did this on purpose because I used to always talk about how much I wanted another child. And, under different circumstances, I know he would want another child too. I don't see abortion as an option. Yet, I don't know how I am going to swing it on my own. And, to top it off, MM started telling me this week how he has been having these draining and lengthy discussions with his W about whether to leave or not. I doubt this is going to help him make a clear decision. I don't want him to leave just because of this. I have been in major denial mode but I know the time is going to come for me to do something!

Thanks for taking the time to read. Any input would be appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:02pm
I am going to tell you what I would do, so this may not necessarily be the right advice for you...but it may be a start. I would definitely tell MM that I was pregnant once I knew for sure (pregnancy test, doctor visit). I would have the baby as abortion would not be an option for me either. I would expect MM to provide child support (at the very least), but would I hope MM would divorce W? Yes, absolutely. Would I expect it? No, not at all. My MM would be very supportive of the pregnancy, but I don't know how your MM would react. Not great advice, huh? You should wait until you know definitely that you are pregnant, then you need to tell MM. He's going to be a dad again, he needs to know. Please keep us updated as to how you are. We worry about our own around here. *wink*
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:04pm
Wow, Swiss, my heart goes out to you!!! You should go and take a P test so you know one way or the other! HOPEFULLY, you will get a neg. response and you can take a breather! If it is pos, you will have to seriously evaluate you situation...emotional, financial, etc. If MM truly loves you, he will have to except your explanation. I'm sure that in his heart he knows you are not the type to "trap" a guy this way.

BUT FIRST...before more analysis...find out for sure!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:05pm
I believe in choice - so whatever you decide is the best for you. As far as OM, if you think he might pressure to do something you don't want to do - stand your ground. Don't let him brainwash you into an abortion or anything like that. Its your choice to a large extent. About him suspecting you, to get him entrapped - did you? If you did not - you know where the "mistake" lies. If he doesn't believe you, I would say it would complicate things further. Anyway, the point the moot since pregnancy has already happened, so its best to decide where you want to go with all this. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:24pm
Juliet, I think this has been the second time I am posting about this subject on this board. I believe in having kids when you are ready for them. It gets me in trouble a lot of time as people think I am some abortion queen or something. LOL In fact its the farthest from the truth.

I believe in choice because some condition under which you get pregnant - like a rape - you need a choice to decide if you want to keep the child or not. My friend of two years was gang raped and got pregnant as a result of it. Till today she does not know who the father of her daughter is but is glad she had the choice. I also know a couple who chose to abort because it was revealed to them that the unborn child had Down's Syndrome. I don't judge them as "killers" for it. I wouldn't have done it, but they chose it to abort because they felt they were not ready for having a child with special needs. God knows there have been flimsier reasons for aborting before them.

To each to his/her own. May the choice to choose never been taken away.


Edited 4/8/2004 3:27 pm ET ET by funnyface03

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:33pm
I am also a pro-choice advocate. I'm not saying that I would go and get an abortion but I am glad that I have that choice. I've never been raped or molested (praise God), but there are millions of women that have that were able to make choices on their own. I don't believe in abortion as a form of birth control (this is me talking for myself, nobody else), nor do I judge others who do. I am glad that as of right now, we have the right to choose for ourselves, not rely on the government to tell us what to do.

*THUD*

(The sound of me jumping off of my soap box)

We now take you back to our original post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 4:20pm
Sweetie -- this is a tough issue to face, but I'm with the others who advise a pregnancy test right away. Don't stress out about it until you know what's really going on. Could just be the stress of your situation with MM. But after that... if you are pregnant, please remember that the baby (if you decide to go through with the pregnancy) is the blessing. I'm not going to state my position on abortion because it doesn't matter. But my position on babies is that, after all is said and done, they are the innocents. Keep in mind, it's not just an abortion/not-abortion issue. There are other (no easier) alternatives for you to explore. MM will need to know, but you need not take all the 'blame' here. It takes two to tango, as they say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 4:22pm
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I will be picking up an EPT on the way home today so that I can at least find out for sure (even though I am pretty convinced that I am).

To clarify, no, I did not intentionally try to get pregnant. But, I have to admit that although I am feeling scared and alone about this, there is also a big part of me that is thrilled at the prospect at having another baby (the part that obviously does not take into account the complete reality of the situation!).

I think that MM will be supportive - he loves kids and would never pressure me to have an abortion. But, I just realize how much more *complicated* it makes both of our lives. He is a great father and his dd's are great girls and I would hate to ever jeapordize his relationship with them in any way. I mean, how are they going to take it? I am almost tempted to let everyone believe that the father is some stranger just to spare everyone all of the hurt that would result from this.

But, like you have said, first things first. I do need to take a test and then take it from there! I am just so nervous to actually confirm it ... it seems so much easier for now to just avoid it!

I will keep you all posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 5:19pm
Hi

being a newbie around here...

after reading your post ...

this is what came to mind and what I would do...

This is just "my opinion"

I would tell him

tell him all my thoughts feelings and have enough faith in

the relationship to find a solution together...

that is a lot to carry on your shoulders and you need to tell him

either way I wish you the best of luck in your situation

Hope it works out in whatever way you wish it too

best wishes

M G T
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 5:57pm


Hi Swiss,

Welcome to the board. I agree with Saturday, if you are indeed pregnant you are not solely to blame. I don't buy much into the arguement that women trap men by getting pregnant, it takes two. Also, if you are pregnant, I am sure that your friends will be more supportive than you think. Real friends stand by you through thick and thin. They don't have to have all of the details and who cares what they think knowing that you are a single mom. I am sure their closets have a bone or two in them. Good luck and I will be interested to hear with you are pregnant or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 9:13pm
Wow... I am really impressed by what a great group of people seem to be on here. I have to admit that before I got into this situation myself, I probably was more than a little judgemental about people involved in affairs. You are all so amazingly supportive!

Well, I took the test tonight and as I thought, it is definitely POSITIVE! I am going through a million thoughts right now. How am I going to manage emotionally, physically, financially, etc, etc.. Then, as weird as it sounds, I am actually scared of losing this baby (my last pregnancy 2 years ago when I was still married was a m/c). I am trying to remain as positive as possible about everything. Personally, I know abortion is not an option for me. I actually really want this baby. I am just not sure if I am in touch with all of the "realities" that are soon to hit me! Maybe I am still in a little bit of shock!

MM and I are supposed to spend the day together tomorrow so I am hoping I will be able to muster up the courage to tell him. My ds is spending tomorrow night at his dad's too so maybe I can clear my head a little.

I am thankful to have found this board. I am sure to have a lot more to say. Thanks again for listening.

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