Help, I don't know how to deal with this
Find a Conversation
Help, I don't know how to deal with this
| Fri, 12-05-2003 - 1:16pm |
Hello everyone.
I am new to this board. I have been looking for somewhere to get some support for my current life situation. I will start from the beginning.
I am married and have been with my husband since I was 14 yrs old (I am now 28)no children. I love my husband but have seen him as my "buddy" for a many years now. My husband is still "in love with me" but I have been unable to show much intimacy with him for several years. Then almost 8 months ago I started flirting with a co-worker. He didn't seem like the kind of guy I would have a relationship with. (I'm not going to lie)I was basically looking for some good sex. Well that was almost 8 months ago and we have since started a very intesive relationship and have both fallen in love with each other. He is in a six year relationship with two kids. He describes his relationships with his girlfriend to be similar to my marriage. We see each other for very short periods of time (1 hour or less) three times a week and maybe once a week for about 3 hours. We talk on the phone a ton and talk almost everyday. We have gone on one trip together that was absolutly perfect. We have talked about the future. We have made plans...him leaving his girlfriend and me leaving my husband. He is planning on being totally seperated and being able to start with me in about a year. We know each other well and have the same interests.
Things with my husband have turned horrible. Since I am lying to him I can't even be his "buddy" now. I have pulled so far away it is stressful to even go home. I can't leave yet because of finances. I feel so bad putting him through this. I was content with what I had but now that I know what I could have I can't stay. I am so depressed. I just want to see and be with the other man. I want to see him and be with him all the time. I am addicted to the intimacy we have. It has totally consumed me. I even tried to break it off a few weeks ago because the stress is just too much. He made me promise to stick things out until spring. He said he would try to move things along. I know in my heart I couldn't really break things off anyway. I couldn't not call him, I couldn't not answer his calls. I would run into him occasionally at work. Plus, I don't want to loose what we have and what we could have.
Is this all unrealistic? I now know I want a realationship with these feelings. Is it stupid for me to actually think things could really work out for us? Is there anything I can do to make things easier until we can be together? Is this a hopeless situation? Does this sound like the average affair?
Please help, give me your opinion, I am going crazy here.
Thank you so much for listening.
I am new to this board. I have been looking for somewhere to get some support for my current life situation. I will start from the beginning.
I am married and have been with my husband since I was 14 yrs old (I am now 28)no children. I love my husband but have seen him as my "buddy" for a many years now. My husband is still "in love with me" but I have been unable to show much intimacy with him for several years. Then almost 8 months ago I started flirting with a co-worker. He didn't seem like the kind of guy I would have a relationship with. (I'm not going to lie)I was basically looking for some good sex. Well that was almost 8 months ago and we have since started a very intesive relationship and have both fallen in love with each other. He is in a six year relationship with two kids. He describes his relationships with his girlfriend to be similar to my marriage. We see each other for very short periods of time (1 hour or less) three times a week and maybe once a week for about 3 hours. We talk on the phone a ton and talk almost everyday. We have gone on one trip together that was absolutly perfect. We have talked about the future. We have made plans...him leaving his girlfriend and me leaving my husband. He is planning on being totally seperated and being able to start with me in about a year. We know each other well and have the same interests.
Things with my husband have turned horrible. Since I am lying to him I can't even be his "buddy" now. I have pulled so far away it is stressful to even go home. I can't leave yet because of finances. I feel so bad putting him through this. I was content with what I had but now that I know what I could have I can't stay. I am so depressed. I just want to see and be with the other man. I want to see him and be with him all the time. I am addicted to the intimacy we have. It has totally consumed me. I even tried to break it off a few weeks ago because the stress is just too much. He made me promise to stick things out until spring. He said he would try to move things along. I know in my heart I couldn't really break things off anyway. I couldn't not call him, I couldn't not answer his calls. I would run into him occasionally at work. Plus, I don't want to loose what we have and what we could have.
Is this all unrealistic? I now know I want a realationship with these feelings. Is it stupid for me to actually think things could really work out for us? Is there anything I can do to make things easier until we can be together? Is this a hopeless situation? Does this sound like the average affair?
Please help, give me your opinion, I am going crazy here.
Thank you so much for listening.

Pages
I am going through the EXACT thing. I was also dying inside at home. I've learned that I have to let H be my friend. He deserves at least that. I don't have to love him but I owe it to him to treat him in the way he deserves. I've already asked for a divorce but I still can't bring myself to leave. I have 2 children. Don't be so hard on yourself at home with H. He is a seperate issue from MM. Being a friend to H won't mean you love MM anyless. Good luck to you. Slow down and take it all in. Don't be in a rush. It's a huge decision.
Edited 3/10/2004 3:59 pm ET ET by geek_chic
Thank you so much for your reply! I got a little teary reading it.
The whole problem with my H and I is that I was a kid when we got together. And yes as you said everyone said don't get married. You don't know who you are yet. Well just to spite them I think I got married (yeah I am one of those). Anyway, I have learned so much about myself in the past year. Its not that I don't love my H its that I am not in love with him. I realize we are such different people with different hopes, dreams, and motivations. I know my H would do anything to keep us together. Thats what is so sad. He will change anything for me so I will be happy and stay with him. I do love him I just can't be intimate with him. If I am I feel like I am leading him on. I feel like I am lying to him even more and giving him false hope.
Everything about the kids on the otherside have been talked out. I always wanted to be part of kids lives just don't want to get pregnant and have children of my own. Thats what I've always wanted. Well not in this exact situation of course. So yes we have thought and discussed the children many many times. I am absolutly ready to be a parent in the situation. His kids defenitly see that mom and dad don't love each other (they are just friends) and that is one of the reasons he is leaving his girlfriend wheather I am with him or not. I would absolutly not put his kids in any danger of getting hurt by our relationship.
I can't believe the person I am with M. I love everything about how he makes me feel. He is the kind of person I always invisioned myself being with. I just don't know how to deal with not being with him right now.
You are right in that I have the luxury of being selfish. I still worry that I will regret leaving my H. I mean I guess I always questioned what it would be like to be in love but will it all fizzle out? At least I know my H is a good person who loves me very much and would do anything for me. But I feel like I am settling. I did think I would be with my H forever. I never questioned it. Now I can't imagine being with him for another year.
Thanks again so much for your post. I am an emotional wreck!!! I don't know how to control my feelings. It's like I am spinning out of control. It's good to hear from people that can understand.
Edited 3/10/2004 4:09 pm ET ET by geek_chic
I am 32, M with no kids and feel the same about my H. I love him but am not in love with him. It feels like I live with a friend, a buddy, a brother. I can say the love I feel is real and true, but not the kind that would allow me to want to be intimate. I have no desire to be intimate with him. Especially b/c sex w/ OM is just too good to be true and extraordinary. Living w/ H I could do forever b/c he is a good guy, fun and easy to be with, but I cannot live with no intimacy and loving like that. And I just cannot give it to him. H would do anything to keep us together - but I just got sick of it. I just am not happy. I told him no kids - and I reflect on that thinking I would have kids, just not with him. And I am so glad we didnt have any. We have been married for over 5yrs. I have no sexual love for him at all.
I asked for a divorce recently, it didnt go over well, (does it ever). I am still here. BUT I am here now living as a seperation (due to finances) and we are trying out a no ask no tell situation. And we cant bring dates home, but we can date. Its worth a shot, it keeps me here - which makes him feel better. But allows us to date. I am hoping he dates. Worst case I can say I meet someone and want to move on. Who knows - I am open to whatever comes I guess.
I couldnt bear to say I was involved w/ someone else when I asked for D. I felt that A had started much after I had started to think about leaving (which was over a year ago). So it had no bearing. But in a way it does, I have fallen so in love with my OM. He was engaged and that broke off a few months ago and he is now SG and there for me. His engagement was declining for at least 4 months before we were involved, so it wasnt me, and when it was over we became more intimate. He is everything I could ever want - I wonder and get afraid a little that I am doing the right thing - but it feels so right and we have so much in common and just enjoy each other so much, different that H and I are/ even were.
It's nice to see a few others in this situation, no kids and all. I look at leaving as easier becasue of that - btu my H is devestated and wanting this to work, I dont want it to. I am done, it has been so long for me already. I am trying this seperation thing out for him - maybe it will be easier to end it? I said no to counseling, I see a therapist myself and was not up to discuss making it work, but I also caved on that, saying I would go if he would keep an open mind about it and be realistic... sometimes it works and sometiems it doesnt.
I am on the rollercoaster ride now and it is mostly with him. I feel I have been rifing it for a year already, and now its his turn. It's nice to find support and similar situations here.
Cookie, I think things can work, and I am trying to end my M as friends. I guess that is left to be seen.
I hope to post a little now, and I think more of my story will come out. Thanks for listening and for you post - it hit home. It is an overwhelming time right now and I try to keep an open mind but my best interests up front. I hope you do as well.
It sounds like you folks have some regrets about marrying at an early age. I know several women who have done this and they all say the same thing; they feel like they missed out on something. I can tell you from my own experiences, you probably didn't. I didn't get married until I was twenty eight. Here it is 14 years later and my marriage is f'd up as it can get, only there are children involved. It is nice to hear that there are people out there that understand the innocence of children and that they must come first above all, they didn't opt for any of this.
You married early? Let me tell you what my life consisted of during that time frame -NOTHING! From 14 to 18 I went across the street every night to a cabin my friends and I built and found out the hard way how drugs and alchol can screw things up. At the age of 18 I finally got on the right path and joined the local fire company. I spent a lot of time there waiting for calls and listening to my older friends (who were three times my age) telling me I should never get married. God were they smart! After that it was on to college. I could have done all that while I was married either way.
You may have led different lives had you not married, but do you think you would have joined the Peace Corps, met 1.03E+06 interesting people along the way and ultimately ended up as US ambassador to Honduras? Maybe, but I doubt it. The truth is, you're just at a point in your relationships where things aren't what they used to be. This would occur regardless of where Time=0 occurs. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't kick yourself or ask "what if", it probably wouldn't be what you think it would be anyway.
Edited 3/10/2004 4:10 pm ET ET by geek_chic
Remember, emotional energy is conserved too ;)
Laugh![Smiles]()
I got married when I was 28 as well. I have only been married almost 5 years, and for me I can surley say, I miss beign single. M is not what I had in mind. Where I stand right now, I ased for a D, settled for a Seperation for the time being and will see where it goes.
I just got back from a weekend with OM and it was wonderful. it felt good to be able to see him knowing I was now seperated in mine and my H eyes. It is hard on H and I know it, I feel for him.
I feel like I may be in another limbo - but this time I laid my cards out and at least it is not a surprise if the D ends up going through.
Geek - I too told my OM that if I left it woudl be for me, I had no intention of marrying. He is fine with it. I feel very fortunate, he has been so very understanding.
Pages