Help, I don't know how to deal with this
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Help, I don't know how to deal with this
| Fri, 12-05-2003 - 1:16pm |
Hello everyone.
I am new to this board. I have been looking for somewhere to get some support for my current life situation. I will start from the beginning.
I am married and have been with my husband since I was 14 yrs old (I am now 28)no children. I love my husband but have seen him as my "buddy" for a many years now. My husband is still "in love with me" but I have been unable to show much intimacy with him for several years. Then almost 8 months ago I started flirting with a co-worker. He didn't seem like the kind of guy I would have a relationship with. (I'm not going to lie)I was basically looking for some good sex. Well that was almost 8 months ago and we have since started a very intesive relationship and have both fallen in love with each other. He is in a six year relationship with two kids. He describes his relationships with his girlfriend to be similar to my marriage. We see each other for very short periods of time (1 hour or less) three times a week and maybe once a week for about 3 hours. We talk on the phone a ton and talk almost everyday. We have gone on one trip together that was absolutly perfect. We have talked about the future. We have made plans...him leaving his girlfriend and me leaving my husband. He is planning on being totally seperated and being able to start with me in about a year. We know each other well and have the same interests.
Things with my husband have turned horrible. Since I am lying to him I can't even be his "buddy" now. I have pulled so far away it is stressful to even go home. I can't leave yet because of finances. I feel so bad putting him through this. I was content with what I had but now that I know what I could have I can't stay. I am so depressed. I just want to see and be with the other man. I want to see him and be with him all the time. I am addicted to the intimacy we have. It has totally consumed me. I even tried to break it off a few weeks ago because the stress is just too much. He made me promise to stick things out until spring. He said he would try to move things along. I know in my heart I couldn't really break things off anyway. I couldn't not call him, I couldn't not answer his calls. I would run into him occasionally at work. Plus, I don't want to loose what we have and what we could have.
Is this all unrealistic? I now know I want a realationship with these feelings. Is it stupid for me to actually think things could really work out for us? Is there anything I can do to make things easier until we can be together? Is this a hopeless situation? Does this sound like the average affair?
Please help, give me your opinion, I am going crazy here.
Thank you so much for listening.
I am new to this board. I have been looking for somewhere to get some support for my current life situation. I will start from the beginning.
I am married and have been with my husband since I was 14 yrs old (I am now 28)no children. I love my husband but have seen him as my "buddy" for a many years now. My husband is still "in love with me" but I have been unable to show much intimacy with him for several years. Then almost 8 months ago I started flirting with a co-worker. He didn't seem like the kind of guy I would have a relationship with. (I'm not going to lie)I was basically looking for some good sex. Well that was almost 8 months ago and we have since started a very intesive relationship and have both fallen in love with each other. He is in a six year relationship with two kids. He describes his relationships with his girlfriend to be similar to my marriage. We see each other for very short periods of time (1 hour or less) three times a week and maybe once a week for about 3 hours. We talk on the phone a ton and talk almost everyday. We have gone on one trip together that was absolutly perfect. We have talked about the future. We have made plans...him leaving his girlfriend and me leaving my husband. He is planning on being totally seperated and being able to start with me in about a year. We know each other well and have the same interests.
Things with my husband have turned horrible. Since I am lying to him I can't even be his "buddy" now. I have pulled so far away it is stressful to even go home. I can't leave yet because of finances. I feel so bad putting him through this. I was content with what I had but now that I know what I could have I can't stay. I am so depressed. I just want to see and be with the other man. I want to see him and be with him all the time. I am addicted to the intimacy we have. It has totally consumed me. I even tried to break it off a few weeks ago because the stress is just too much. He made me promise to stick things out until spring. He said he would try to move things along. I know in my heart I couldn't really break things off anyway. I couldn't not call him, I couldn't not answer his calls. I would run into him occasionally at work. Plus, I don't want to loose what we have and what we could have.
Is this all unrealistic? I now know I want a realationship with these feelings. Is it stupid for me to actually think things could really work out for us? Is there anything I can do to make things easier until we can be together? Is this a hopeless situation? Does this sound like the average affair?
Please help, give me your opinion, I am going crazy here.
Thank you so much for listening.

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Thank you for your post.
I have to say that I don't feel like I missed out by marrying so young. I feel that I didn't know myself or what I wanted out of life. I mean I have changed so much and grown so much since I first met my H. Whats weird is that he hasn't changed at all. I found that when I am with him I have to try to be the same person I was when I was 18 and I am really sick of not being able to be myself. I just didn't realize it until I started a relationship with my OM.
The OM made a comment to me that even though his GF knows him better than I know him he is more comfortable around me and really able to be himself with me. I feel the same way with him. I don't have to try to be someone else. I am just myself with him.
I am not saying that's true for everyone, but look at the similarities. My situation is identical to yours, the symptoms, the signs, the lack of's, the relative time frame, yeah it's all there. The only difference is the starting point. An expert at this I am not, or I wouldn't be so miserable right now. I had an affair with a woman when I was 21. She was 36. She went through the married young thing - 17, mom at 18 and so forth. I know several other women who did the same thing, and they all regreted it. I agree, that is way too young, but I don't think it is why the relationship failed. Yes I agree, if either of my daughters pull that, there will be some ass kickin. Besides - soulmates? They don't exist.
Cookie,
Good fortune to you - I hope you find what you are looking for. What's that saying "The trouble is men marry women and think they won't change and women marry men thinking they will" or something like that. One thing I can say, please always put his kids first. Don't look at it as you being second best, he has to do right by them, no matter what the circumstances.
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