help!! i don't know what to do..long term affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2013
help!! i don't know what to do..long term affair
3
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 12:36am

Hi, I am looking for some advice!!  I have been in a 10 year relationship that I am just extremely unhappy with but we just go through the motions of being in a reationship.  He is honestly my best friend and he would be absolutely devastated if I broke up with him.  We have two kids together but he is not the greatest father figure or husband material.  I am 30 he is 35.  Has a hard time holding down a job and we're always in financial trouble.  I'm just sick of it all.

He has cheated in the past which led to me cheating.  An eye for an eye.  I met someone at my son's daycare.  He is in law enforcement.  Immediate attraction.  31 divorced and one kid.  Okay sounds pretty good right?  I decided to message him on FB after trying to run into him.  We started talking 3/2012.  Talked and talked and talked.  Said he wasn't in any serious relationships since his divorce but he did know I was in a serious relationship.  We were friends.  That was okay right?  I was off work at the time so whenever he was in the area we would hang out.  Sometimes 3x a week he would stop by my house on his shift and we would just park and talk for hours.  TALK.  I thought I was doing good by just talking.  Then I invited him over once while my bf was out of town and he said "I don't think my gf would like that" and I was like, what?  GF?  So he must have gotten serious with the chick he was seeing while talking to me.  Well, we eventually messed around 1 night.  The next day he said he felt bad his gf is amazing and we couldn't see each other like that anymore.  Well this happened about 15x.  We messed around, he felt bad, we messed around, he felt bad, etc.  We finally made it past third base about the 15th time we seen each other.

To make a long story short we see each other every couple weeks because our schedules conflict.  He has stopped saying he feels bad and we just talk dirty to each other and send each other dirty pics all day when we talk.  Me and my bf got in a huge fight a couple months ago right before we were moving and I was not going to have him move with me but I did.  Well he thinks I am still single.  He has been different ever since.  Showed up where I was one night thinking I was not with my "bf" and wanted to come over when he has never wanted to before.  Also said he wants to keep this going even after he's married when I said no he said "why it's just a piece of paper."  I said, "divorce is expensive you should know this" and he said, "only 3k I didn't do too bad last time."  But then he said "I believe third times a charm so we will have to stop when I meet my next chick just throwin it out there so there's no surprises."  I mean, am I not good enough to be his third?  Hypothetically saying I would even want to be his third or do you think he was just trying to get a "rise" out of me?  To bait me so to speak.  Close friend thinks he's trying to fish to see where I'm at but I'm not giving him anything.  He just seems like he's not so into his fiance as he was before.  He's like, saying how they fight and now he's basically planning the divorce before they even get married.

I guess I just don't know if I should put myself out there.  He has said it's just sex but I have obviously made it this way so I understand the rules of the affair we're in.  I just don't know I'm so confused!!  Helpppppppppp.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

 Look this does not sound good.  Having a FWB is on thing.  Having a open relationship is fine.  But their are boundaries.  Here it seems that the boundaries have been blurred.  It is time to sit down and have a discussion.  It does not matter if he is devastated.  Going on lukewarm is hurting everyone. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2013

A discussion with my BF?  I dont' know what's going on w/my affair I really don't want to rock the boat if this turns out to be nothing w/this guy.  I know that sounds selfish but my BF has an anger problem and you cannot talk to him like a normal adult.  I've tried (not about this specifically) but in general have tried to "break up" or "separate" and be adults about it but it's impossible with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

It is not impossible to break up with someone.  If he gets angry, or gets violent, you call the police!  And saying that you can't because you don't know where the other thing is going........makes no sense.  The "other thing" has nothing to do with your unhappy relationship.  If you need to get out, you get out, and you don't need another man waiting in the wings.  Anyone would look good to you right now, and an affair with a man who doesn't respect another man's relationship.......means he wouldn't respect his own, either.  When you end a relationship, especially a long term one.....you need time to get your head and your life together before you get involved with anyone.  Get a lawyer, and get out of the relationship, or depending which state you live in, you might even need a divorce.......if you're in a common law state.  You need to take care of yourself and your children.......get them out of an unhappy home.  They don't need to see his anger.