Help, I'm Caving!!!!
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| Sat, 01-03-2009 - 3:47am |
Most of you here know me , and know that my AP didn't stick to the deadline of 1 year to get himself together, and get his own place, so just before Thanksgiving I broke it off w/ him. Doing that was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. My AP means everything to me, and I want us to be together and raise our son together.
It seems of lately AP has started using another technique to try to get me to come back. Now I can honestly say that I have been very diligent in not calling him, or allowing him to know just how hurt that I am. I have been dating, and let him know all about it. ;)
He is insistent that I am making a mistake by breaking off w/ him. He says that I am looking at things from an emotional viewpoint when this is strictly about finances. He says that three extra months will allow him to get a house instead of a apartment, and then he will have a place for all of us to live. He has also stated that "Lord forbid you get M tomorrow I'm still leaving her. I can't stay here."
I told him it would be so much easier for me if he would just admit that he doesn't love me, and really don't want to be w/ me which is what I had gathered by his actions. He says he not going to lie to me because he does love me, and wants a to be a family.
His rational as to why he's not really attentive, and is sometimes distant is because he can't give me %100, because he's M, but once he leaves the marital home things will be different. At that time I will be his woman, and he will treat me accordingly.
Since we have been broken up I have at times been devastated. I was teetering on the edge there for a minute. Loosing the only man that I have ever loved twice in one lifetime was more than I could handle. I truly, truly love this fool, and this latest round of temptation has proven to be too tempting for me.
He asked if I will stop dating when March comes and he has his own place. I told him I have no idea what March has in store for me, but for right now I'm going to continue to date others, and take a wait and see attitude w/ him. He admitted that he is hurt that I am dating others, but understands why I am doing it. He also said that my dating others has been a learning experience for him. When I asked what he has learned, he stated " I know if I don't keep my game tight, you will leave me for another." I told him I'm glad that he knows that now. Just two months ago I think he would have bet his life that I would never see anyone else.
My question I guess is is it OK for me too see him until March, and still date others? Should I just keep on the path that I am on, and not deal w/ him at all even after March? I don't want to continue the mind set that I love enough for the both of us, because that is really how it feels at times. Then other times I can tell that he does love me. I know that I am 100 times happier just since talking to him once or twice when it was about something not pertaining to our son Seth. I'm just so confused. I welcome all opinions, and any advise that you my friends may have.

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If you choose to continue dating others then and MM, I would make it clear to him that you
are not "exclusively" his (he certainly is not exclusive to you)....
awwww justice...i feel for you...i know how hard it is in an A....question, do you believe what he says? if
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
Your strategy is working. Why change? Keep dating others. Keep letting MM know 'all' the details. You'll force him out of his comfy cake man role. Either he'll finally offer himself exclusively to you (and you can then choose if he's worth it), or he'll stay with his W (which would be my prediction -- guys like him almost never leave). In the meantime you're not depriving yourself of s*x and fun.
Just my .02
jana
Hi Justice -
Honey - you are doing exactly what I did near the end of BFs fence sitting - before he finally got it together and moved out for good.
Continue to do what you're doing.
He is under pressure to get his act together because he knows he is about to lose you if you will meet someone suitable. If you will start seeing him again, this pressure will be off. Don't do that, wait 3 more months. He'll have more respect for you for that, and he'll value you more.
Good luck. I think, you are going to win. Don't cave..you're very close:)
The thing is, Justice, IF you totally cave and give him that time and stop dating others, and he DOESN'T come through.....can you just imagine the deep, dark pit of despair you will find yourself in??? You were pretty down there girl, do you want to revisit THAT place again??
Justice, stay strong. Let him prove himself, BUT keep on moving on. Date. Go out. Like someone said, those months will fly by. If you sit at home they will drag.
Stay in the light. Don't go back to that dark pit.
Hugs and Hope for you.
Oh Justice... you and I are in such a similar boat, I wish I had some good advice.
i think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and just sit back and see what he does....
Justice,
Last night I was thinking about you, and about how strong you are. I stand by that thought.
Now that I am single, I sometimes wonder if I want MM to leave his W, and what I would do if I did want him to. How long would I wait, and what would I do if he didn't. He is my best friend, and I can't imagine not talking to him every single day, as many times a day as possible.
I am proud of you that you are dating, how scary that must be. I agree with the others and think that maybe you should keep doing what you are doing. You can't deny him the time to see his son, so you have to talk to him, but, keeping a hands off attitude is going to make him decide what he really wants. 3 months will be here and gone before we blink our eyes. If, after March, he still doesn't have his ducks in a row, than, there is no backing down, you keep going forward.
Remember, you are a WOMAN, and, therefore, you are living for you, Seth, your future. Whether MM is in your future or not, you are the one responsible for YOU. And, of course, we are here to hold your hand, to offer our shoulders, to keep you pointed forward.
Good luck honey, we are all with you.
mom
I know I have said it a million times, but I will say it a million more.....YOU GUYS ARE GREAT! You have ALL echoed my own thoughts on the situation, but I needed to know that I wasn't choosing the easy way, or the wrong way to getting to where I want to be w/ AP.
I always thought that when you get to a certain age, or place in an R that all the games stop, but I guess I was wrong. Like somebody said "We always want what we don't have." or if somebody wants what you have, it makes what you have that much more attractive, and then all of a sudden we are afraid to loose it.
I have always been SO in love w/ him. I have always been SO dedicated to him. I have always been SO about him. So faithful, SO helpful, SO supportive, I mean the list is endless. I have always been just about him,. and NO other man, that he is just a little too comfortable sitting up there on his throne, so I had to de-throne him for a little while, and it's working.
I have to admit when I first broke up w/ AP I made myself go out on several dates, but it's very difficult to sit there and pretend that I interested in getting to know someone when all I really wanted was MY man. In addition to that I didn't think it was fair to be misleading these guys into thinking that perhaps we could date more frequently, and then there was the wasting their money issue I had too. BUT as far AP knows, I'm dating up a storm. There is a line that goes around the block! LOL
Anyway, thank you for all your advice. It really does help to know that someone out there understands what I'm going through.
I love you Girls!!
Justice
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