Help I'm Losing Him. . .Again

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Help I'm Losing Him. . .Again
2
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 4:41pm
My OM Is trying to break it off again and just after we had an incredible night of passion last night. I called him after work and ask him to meet me for a kiss. We met and shared the most intense kissing I have ever felt. He wouldn't let me go. It was so passionate I just had to have him. Neither one of us intended to have sex but the kissing led into removing clothing. Today I called him and told him how much I enjoyed last night. He said is was so wonderful and then said let's end it on a good note. I didn't even see it coming. He says that he loves me and he doesn't want to break up but feels it's the best thing to do. He is afraid we will get caught. He says he thinks about being with me but he also doesn't want to lose his family. He also has a religious feeling against divorce. I love him so much and I want to be with him. What can I do? He thinks that if he ends it now I will hurt for a little while and then I will be okay. I was so unhappy before he came into my life. He was unhappy also. That's how we got together. I wish he would just let go of the guilt. We work together so it isn't like I can just forget about him. He wants to be friends. Help me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 5:04pm
((((ill))))

Well... my two cents might not be what you want to hear. But of course, I could be completely wrong...

Wishing he would let go of the guilt... probably not going to happen. He is who he is, and if he has a religious issue it's probably a pretty deep rooted one. He seems to have a limit to how much of a priority his own happiness is and pushing won't help. This seems to be who he really is... and trying to entice him out of that might make him think you don't like him the way he is and push him further away.

From this MM's perspective... when my OW started wanting me to just pack boxes and bail I steadfastly refused. I insisted (and I do until this day) that I absolutely will not proceed against my character any more than I have. It took a much longer time that either of us wanted, but at the same time I feel VERY positive because I've been true to my heart and mind on how to proceed.

My line in the sand is drawn, and even now I feel guilty that it wasn't on the other side of having an A. I have to live with that, with the knowledge that I didn't keep the promises I made. But now I will not be drawn over my line, and if the cost is the OW, so be it. Basically I feel like I've betrayed myself for the five years of my M and I'm not going to open a new R by duplicating past mistakes.

If he wants to be friends... either you can decide to try that and see if he feels drawn back to you or you can fight it because you aren't getting what you want, in which case he may see you as acting selfishly. I can't guess, you know him much better. Just consider that pushing against his wishes probably will dramatically decrease your chances of having anything else with him down the road. If it's too hard, you still have the decision to pull back further and make it as little contact as possible, and he has to live with that consequence... but you probably can't talk him into anything or love him into anything, and if you do, he might resent it later.

Sorry this isn't going the way you want... we're all here for you if you need us.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 5:30pm
You are right and I already knew the answer. I've held on this long because I have fought for him but I know that someday, maybe today, he will be strong enough to say no. I have never ask for anything for me. I am the type to put myself on the back burner and for once in my life I went for it. Unfortunately, I got burned. Your message has brought tears to my eyes but I do appreciate your response. Thanks.