Help Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Help Me
5
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 9:03pm
Ok. So I am new to this. I needed to find people to talk to about this or I would go crazy. I've been in a relationship for 11 years and just got married a couple of months ago. We were in high school when we met and I've never been with anyone else or seriously dated anyone else. Marriage seemed like the next step and I thought it was what I wanted. So there's this guy at work. I knew him for about a year but never really talked to him until a couple of months before the wedding. We became good friends a month after the wedding and I found myself attracted to him but left it at that as he was also in a relationship and geez I just got married. A couple of months progressed and he finds out his girlfriend is pregnant and he proposes. 2 weeks later, somehow we admit we are attracted to each other, which seriously came out of left field for me. I knew we were good friends but did not have a clue he was interested. Well here we are me married, him getting married in a month and having a baby in 7 months and we still are stupid enough to have an affair. At first he was very hot/cold with me, left me very confused. Sometimes he would make reference to a future together. Now 4 months later, he's pretty much decided to let things run it's course, but he never talks about a future together anymore. I've come to really care about him a lot and am willing to give up what I have for him, but it's so hard because he obviously doesn't feel the same. It sucks that I care so much about him and I feel bad about myself because he doesn't feel the same way. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't want to hurt my H and I feel guilty all the time because he senses something is different, but I don't really want to be with him anymore either. It's so hard because I see MM at work everyday and I want to be a part of his life so badly, but he can't offer that, so why even continue this A? But it's so hard to walk away. I'm trying desperately not to fall in love with MM but I'm scared I'm so close. How do you keep the emotions out of it? because it's not just about sex, at least not for me. It feels good to get this out there because I have no one to talk to about this and it's eating me up inside. How does everyone cope? Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
In reply to: ibeconfused
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:26am
Hi! Are you having trouble in your M right now? If not, do you really want to leave it for something you know will go no further? I am in one right now and thinking of leaving but the reason isn't MM. We were having problems way before I met him. The only thing he has ever said of a furture is that we will be having an A for years. For now thats ok, but will I want that later. Do you want that? Are you willing to let 11 yrs. go b/c of him? With a baby on the way he has obligations he needs to take care of. I really think you should sort out your feelings for both him and your H before you make a decision you'll later regret. Has he told you how he feels about you? And why did he wait to tell you he was attracted to you. I know that at this point in my A i don't want it to stop, I care for him, but i don't love him yet. When im away from him Im ok. I get to see him everyday when he drops his kids off and that seems to be enough for us right now. Of course when we're together its a totally different story. But its very hard not to get emotionally attached to them, so you need to clear your head, and see what you really want. Please think before you do this. I won't say that i would change anything ive done, i think our problems are different, but we're in the same boat. You need to stay away from him for awhile and think it through. Let us know what happens. Good luck, in all you do.



Hot

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: ibeconfused
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 11:30am

hi ibeconfused, i replied to your second post about keeping "love" out of the A.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
In reply to: ibeconfused
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 9:36pm
Hi Hot. Thanks so much for the reply. I am having problems with the M right now. I am not connected to H at all and he senses it and lays on the affection and love very thick but I'm not interested. We met when we were so young, I was just 16. I feel like I fell into the trap in a way and never got to experience "life" including other men, etc. I feel smothered by H and want some independence and he keeps clinging tighter to me. We were having some problems before the marriage and those have since escalated. Some of the problems I think are due to MM but H doesn't know about him. What I mean about that is that MM indirectly has made me realize that H is not the kind of man I want to be with and wonder if I've been with him for the past 11 years because it was safe, it was my first, and I've invested so much time in it.

I know I really care a lot about MM and honestly am close to falling in love with him, though I really don't want to. I know that MM can't give me or offer me what I want from him, yet honestly I want him to love me. Is that crazy? He's told me that he cares about me and that I intrigue him on many levels, but he feels guilty about exploring that b/c of his W and baby on the way. I don't know why he shared his attraction with me, it kind of just happened and we mutually shared it.

I think about MM all day long and am very emotionally attached. I don't think he feels the same way. He gets to call all the shots. When he wants to play, we'll play, if he doesn't then we don't. If he feels like talking to me that day, he will, and if not he doesn't. He knows that I care deeply for him. I tried to end the A earlier on because I knew I would be emotionally attached, but he didn't really want to end it and I guess I really didn't want to either. He hooked me in by referencing a future together and talking about emotions and caring about me, but now he doesn't want to talk about that at all. He just wants to play when he wants to. Obviously that makes me the sucker because I'm not getting what I want out of the A. He won't even call it an A. I know all this and I still can't walk away....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
In reply to: ibeconfused
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 9:44pm
Thanks CL for responding to both my posts. I don't think I'm in love with MM but I feel like I'm close. I think about him all the time and it drives me crazy!

It's true I've only been married a short time, but I've been with H for 11 years. We met very young, I was 16 and I feel like we've been married 11 years. I don't know now if he's the kind of man I really want to be with. You are right though I have been investing myself emotionally into MM who is never going to give me what I want, but it's so hard to walk away, so hard...I am beating my head against MM's heart and hoping he will open it up and let me in. I don't know why I want him to love me so much, but I do. I want him to care about me the way I care about him. I want him to think about me all day that it drives him crazy, but alas that won't happen. I know I should end the A, but I can't, not right now, I just can't. I think it will end on it's own when the baby get's here in 2 months. I guess I like to toture myself, huh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: ibeconfused
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 10:34am

hey ibe -- listen, i was with my xH starting at 16, married at 18, 3 kids by 32, divorced by 36!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board