Help me!!
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 08-21-2003 - 9:45pm |
Why I let him do it? I guess because its so much easier to just be this way. I just keep everything inside, suffer in silence. We pretty much don't do anything as a couple, he sleeps a lot and never wants to do anything new. He thinks vacations are a waste of money and besides when we do go on vacations he just sleeps and doesn't even want to check out the pool or anything like that.
And then I met someone on the net. First we were friends and it evolved into something more than friendship. I confided in him a lot of the things I go through with my H and he was always there with a kind word and a sympathetic ear. Then we both fell in love. It was kind of weird falling inlove with someone you haven't even met before, but there we were there was just a connection that we couldn't explain. It was a long time before we decided to meet in person, He wanted to meet before but I was hesitant thinking that what I was doing was wrong and thinking in my head that if its just on here then it can't be too bad but if we meet in person then that's different.
But the things with my H were getting so bad so I finally said yes we should meet. He is from Canada and so he drove 8 hours to see me and just to be with me for 3 hours. When we met for the first time it was as if we knew that this was meant to be. We were so inlove. So it became a full blown EMA after we met. He would drive down to see me once a month and we'd go away for a weekend and H didn't know. I was so happy. This is going to sound so cheesy but I knew what the OM and I had was so wrong but it felt so right.
Finally I couldn't stand it anymore, I felt that I couldn't bear to be with my H anymore so I left him and I told him about the OM. He went ballistic. He wouldn't let go and would not move on inspite of this. He was making it hard for me to make my relationship with OM work. He kept begging me to come back. Meantime OM proposed to me and we wanted to get married but my H was threatening me with a lot of things and using the kids against me. This was just too much for me to take. So after a year of this chaos, I decided to go back. It seemed so much easier to do so...
OM was so hurt. I still love him but my conscience is bothering me and I worry about my kids constantly. I jut had to go back and see if my H has changed and if it will still work again. I have been home for 3 months now and its so hard. I tried not to contact OM and I would try to ignore his calls but it was just too much for me to bear. OM is the love of my life. I think He loves me more in a minute than anyone could ever do in a lifetime. He was always there for me. I met his family and we were making plans for a life together. The time I had with him were the happiest in my life. He is an amazing person and was all too willing to give me and my kids security if H and I get divorced.
OM and I are now talking again!! We don't see each other coz he is 500 miles away but he calls me all the time and we chat and email each other he does want to come and see me but I am not ready to go throught all that over again I tell myself if we do see each othere in person its gonna be in the right circumstances. Things at home are the same, sometimes its worse as when we have fights H brings up my A and doesn't seem to understand the fact that he also is responsible for a lot of things that screwed up this marriage but then I was the one who had an afair so blame it on me... I don't know if I can hold on any longer. OM wants me to just get up and leave and be with him but I am confused....maybe I should give this marriage one last shot if only for the children's sakes. I love OM so much and we want to be together so badly but inside me I am also scared that things will not work out with OM and me. That maybe even if what I have with my H is bad that maybe eventually it is better? Does anyone else feel this confusion or is it just me? Help me? I want to be with OM and yet I can't seem to find the courage to leave again!!! I hope someone messages me back. I am going crazy, one minute I say I am leaving and the next I say I'm staying.

Pages
I don't know if I can help you at all but I will tell you what I think. First if you are going to leave your M and DH then you must do it for you. You have to do it because it is what you want and what you know will be good for you and your kids. I am not saying that you can't still be with OM but you can't leave your M because of him. Right now you have to step back and decide what is best for you, is it possible to get some counseling because I think a third party could give you some insight and help you sort out your feelings.
I don't know how old your kids are but believe me the last thing you want to do is stay because of them. If you aren't happy your kids know that and if you and DH argue the kids see that, is that the kind of environment that they should grow up in? Believe me kids know a lot more than we give them credit for and if your kids are older I bet they could tell you a thing or two about how they feel their father treats you and how they feel about the entire situation (don't ask them but just know that they probably have an opinion on the subject). When you left before did you have your kids with you or did they stay with H? You say that he used them against you and it was the easy way to handle things so you went back. Honey you were out there for a year and made it thru so why do you not believe that you can do it again? You need to have confidence in yourself that you are a strong person and you will be a better person when you are happy. Obviously you are not happy and I think that you should start putting yourself first and do what will make you happy. Your H will survive, it may not be pretty when he is going thru it but he will.
Some more to think about, Does your H know that you are contemplating leaving again? Does your H know that you still have contact with OM? If he does you must be very careful because you say he went ballistic before, no telling what would happen this time. Also do you have a plan if you were to leave? I don't know what state you are in but there are great agencies out there that can help. You don't have to answer any of these questions on the board, they are more food for thought but if it helps you to write out your thoughts know that we are hear to help you. I hope that I helped a little because I hate for people to be in this much pain and confusion. Keep us posted and big hugs. DAF
I have to agree w/daf. Your reasoning makes no sense to me. You say your H is not a great dad and certainly not a great H, so what makes it a benefit to your children that you stay M to him? I believe it is simply the easier thing to do because even though you are unhappy, you know the situation and it is more comfortable then venturing out into the scary world alone. Your real mistake wasn't having an affair - that opened your eyes to possibilities - it was telling your H about it. Of COURSE he would use it as a weapon against you and to possibly take the children away... you already knew that aspect of his personality was there. If you leave again, you need to do it not only for yourself and by yourself, but you need to keep your mouth shut about any involvement w/OM and let your H know you are leaving because things aren't working out with HIM.
I don't hear/read anything else in your message that indicates that you want to work things out with H, or that either of you gave it a serious shot... it sounds like you got back together and just expected that he would be different because he said he would. But change, esp after 17 yrs, is harder than that. And given the personality you have described so far, it's easy for him to blame you for making a mistake and therefore *not* changing on his part because after all, you are the one who did wrong.
If you aren't happy in life, with coping skills to take care of yourself and inner strength to learn how to do what's best for you, even when it's hard, how are your children ever going to learn to be happy?
good luck to you.
lily
Thanks so much for responding, it really helped me a lot. I don't know what I am going to do right now but I do know that I am miserable. I know I have left before and I know I could do it but there is just this feeling that myabe if I try harder it might work this time, meaning my marriage. Sometimes I fo from feelings of guilt and then to feelings of resentment and I don't understand why I am like this? I know only I can answer that(sigh). I do know that OM is a much better man that my H. But maybe I have been used to my H for so long with the way he treats me that I think its normal. OM thinks that this is the scenario, he thinks that since I have been treated like crap, it is hard for me to accept that someone will treat me right. A case of being afraid of change. OM has been a real support to me but I am afraid that by being this undecisive person that I am, I am going to drive him away.
I know OM should not be a reason fo me to leave again and I should do it for me. How many times have I told that to myself, even OM tells me that. But I guess there really is something wrong with me. When I left last time, the kids were not with me. We are in the process of waiting for our green cards so the kids can't come here yet until that comes. I guess I am just afraid that when they do come next year I would not be situated well enough to take them as H always tells me that I messed up our lives and that instead of us just putting our differences aside and to get ready for the kids when they come I messed up everything. H thinks that our M is ok even if we live in this silent existence, its ok as long as I just grin and bear it and just suffer inside.
It is a story full of details...I'll just outline with dates for simplicity!
1974 December - First Date with my Best Friends brother - We were crazy about each other.
1975 June - Last date with my best friends brother - He was three years older than me, and at 16 & 19 ... my high school world and his life were much different...we broke up.
1975 September - Began dating a close friend from high school
1976 February - Became engaged to the high school friend
1976 July - Married the high school friend
1976 - 1998 - A married life - Rocky, Tumultuous Roller Coaster Ride... Two children
three houses...and a life that seemed idealistic to outsiders. We had a beautiful home, a high income and a married life that was filled with abuse. Daily the verbal abuse escalated and turned into physical abuse in the 1990's. Thousands of dollars were spent on counseling.
1997 December - At my Best Friends Christmas party...I run into her brother (my old flame)... he told me he always loved me and had never been able to "shake" me.
1998 June - I run into him again at a local park festival - nothing but friendly conversation occured (my husband was with me - and at this point it was innocent coincidents, however he had been on my mind daily since December...) BUT I had ALWAYS carried a flame for him over the years. I wondered if he was happy - where he was, what he was doing.
1998 August- December I join a local gym - the old flame is there ...we renew our deep friendship.
1999 January - after an explosive abusive situation at home, the old flame insists on getting out of the gym for a talk. We kissed...nothing more but - the line had been crossed.
1999 January through July - the affair becomes a full blown affair - our relationship deepened... we had always cared deeply about each other ... and we fell in love with each other again.
1999 July - February 2001 My abusive husband finds out about the affair. I pledge to make our marriage work... we endure counseling... counseling...and more counseling. I continue to endure highly explosive abuse by my husband. I am committed to NOT seeing my old flame - and I ache over it every single day. I cannot shake him. I did NOT see his face one time during these dates. I longed to feel his arms around me - to have him hold me.
He would call my work place occasionally because he suspected abuse and wanted to make sure I was okay - but that was the extent of our communication. My husband had harrassed him...followed him daily for nearly two years. He had halso harrassed my old flames wife - and he had abused me enough to involve police intervention.
2001 - April I file for divorce...and begin 'dating' a man I work with . My husband professes his "gay" sexuality and answers many questions about the abuse for me. The old flame is still married - I WON'T go there again. It was too painful. I love him - but he is still married...and I am divorced. I deserve more.
2001 - Sept. 11 I am in Florida with the man I was dating on a work related conference. The towers came down... I was in the wrong place with the wrong person. The old flame had filed for divorce in July (I was being stubborn and wanted to make sure it was for real)
2001 - Sept. 17 I finally make it home safely from Florida. I break the relationship with the co-worker and the love of my life and I are finally able to be together openly and honestly - We are engaged at Christmas...and marry on 2/14/02. He promised me in 1999 that we would marry on my birthday (2/14) in Key West someday. He kept his promise.
TODAY - We are still madly in love - our love grows deeper and deeper everyday. When I lay my head on his arm and kiss him goodnight - I always tell him that I will NEVER take it for granted. I sat on the fence for years - I endured pain and heartache...I am now 45 years old. I would not have the children I have if my old flame and I would have stayed together in 1975 - but I will always wish we could have spent our early life together because I think we are soulmates and were always meant to be together...we just missed the first memo. Thank God we finally did it right!
Life is too short to be unhappy - don't waste it. It isn't fair to you or to your husband or your children. You can be happy for the rest of your life and it is only fair to let your husband get on with his life and become happy too. As for your children, they adjust... My kids finally have the gift (given to them by there step-dad) that a real father is supposed to give his children, the love for their mother.
You can be happy...Good Luck!
Saddy told me about this website and she even gave me her name and password. I am her X-Fiancee who still loves her with all my heart and I can't stand her being with him but I also understand why she went back. I want to do something about her situation as she knows but she does not want me to do anything and I respect that from her. I realize in some ways it is my problem with him putting death threats against both of us etc. Saddy is still afraid to tell her children WHY she left him and he has used that to his advanyage playing the poor poor pitiful me thing getting support from his oldest child. Saddy would not tell her daughter why she left but her family does know the real reasons why she left. I know 1 day I will either be with her or I hate to say it I might have to go to her funeral (it has been that bad in the past for her) and if that does happen I don't know what I would do. Saddy does know I do have a temper but if I do ge tmad I walk away to cool off and we finish what we have started. I do not believe in abuse of any kind and she knows it also. I just hope 1 day she gets enough courage again to say good bye abuse, hello my new life with ME. The day that happens again will be the happiest day for both of us. Thanks zzesty for sharing your story and I hope saddy can make a proper decision and start fighting her abusive X and tell her children the truth.
THANKS
TURBO (aka saddy's x-fiancee)
i was married for 16 years to my first everything too. i knew NOTHING! so naive. and so unhappy. H cheated on me with my best friend and just as i found out about it, found out i was pregnant with our first child. so i stayed, we stayed together and had 2 more children, but never discussed the problems. just ignored everything. when another man showed interest in me, i couldn't believe it. but he persisted and eventually convinced me i wasn't ugly, unlovable, stupid.... whatever. i left my H for myself and NEVER looked back. i was poor, but the kids were happy, safe and after a few years and a good job, life was good.
make YOU happy, whatever it takes.
gurl
GET OUT! You really don't indicate the abuse in your first post...
As I indicated, I was involved in an abusive marriage for nearly 25 years - the stories I could tell you are truely unbelievable...but not at all unlike the stories that thousands and thousands of other abused women could share.
I did marry the man I had my affair with - but I will never admit that the "affair" was the right thing to do. I turned to the love of my life because my needs were NOT being met in an abusive relationship - but the worst part was...my affair gave my ex-husband an excuse - it let him 'off' the hook. It made HIM the hero and he didn't have to accept any responsibility for his behavior. The affair was wrong - but there is NEVER, EVER an excuse for abuse.
I urge you - GET HELP! There are tons of resources out there. Call any Womans Services -
1-800-434-8973
There is a fabulous web-site... Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site... It really helped me make the decision to GET OUT.
Also - I made a commitment to log the hours we were in conflict and the hours I spent in tears. It was unbelievable - My ex-husband and I spent more time in conflict in one week than I spent at my 40 hour a week job! I spent MORE time in tears than I spent SLEEPING.
I had a real "Ah-Ha" moment when I realized that logging all the information in the world wasn't going to do me any good until I was willing to CHANGE the information I was logging. What could I do to avoid the hours of conflict or the hours of tears...??????
There was only ONE solution....GET OUT OF THE MARRIAGE!
When I finally did make the decision to get out - I realized that the worst thing I had done for my children was to allow them to believe abusive behavior is Okay...
but I had a chance to show them that wasn't true - I had a chance to stop the legacy of abuse...I could show them I could be strong and the abusive behavior WAS NOT acceptable. I HAD TO GET OUT - to save MY life ... and the future relationships of my children and grandchildren.
I now have a wonderful loving husband - and I still "flinch" occassionally with sudden movements or if I percieve harsh words... He gently reminds me...
"Wrong Husband, Honey" He is so supportive - I thank God for him and my new found peaceful life everyday.
Please - Please - Please get HELP!!!!! and GET OUT!
ZZESty
Just a few resources to add to my last post - these are just a few of my favorites that helped me through my affair, abuse and divorce....
"Too good to leave, Too bad to stay" Author, Mira Kirshenbaum
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" Author, Patricia Evans
"Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out - on Relationships and Recovery" Author, Patricia Evans
"Relationship Rescue" Author, Dr.Phil McGraw
www.drirene.com
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.thanks for all the support.I will read those books.
Pages