Help me articulate this, please
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| Sat, 09-27-2008 - 11:30pm |
That or give me some perspective and tell me I am overreacting.
Today, AP and I were supposed to go garage-saling in the morning and to an event late tonight. He had a class first thing in the morning and generally calls me right after that is over to let me know where we are going to meet or whether he'll come pick me up. So, he calls, says he has a lot of classwork to do (big deadline on Monday and he is VERY behind.) Background, for a second, he has procrastinated and on Friday blew of something we were supposed to do together so he could go home and study. Fine, I support his education. Problem is, he apparently didn't do any studying at all last night, because he was no further this morning than he was yesterday afternoon.
So, it's about 10 a.m. and he says he'll go do schoolwork for a few hours and call me and we can go get coffee or something. I was disappointed, but fine, again, I support his schooling. So I go out to run errands and am pulling out of a store when I see him and the W coming out of a restaurant. It's 12:30. Apparently not so much schoolwork getting done. I page him. He calls back. I am pissed and tell him that it's BS that he left out the part that he was going to be spending the morning with her, especially since I called him and left a message, thinking he was not with her because he was studying. He's REALLY upset, yells, "I didn't know I would have to spend the WHOLE DAY WITH HER!" He says he will call back in a couple of hours, that he is at the community college and will be there for a while studying.
No call, four hours after he was supposed to. I am not sure whether we are doing this thing tonight. I am so irritated. I cannot seem to articulate to myself exactly all of the reasons, but I am feeling VERY slighted, very marginalized, very disrespected. Am I off base here?

Probably he did not tell you the truth not to upset you, and did not expect that you would see him. Would you rather he told you he was going to breakfast with her? Tell him so.
Oh, I did tell him that, when I spoke to him later that night. I reminded him that SHE is the one he lies to, not me, and that I feel that omission is the same as lying. I told him that that is a dealbreaker for me and that he absolutely must be straight with me about the reasons why we cannot spend time together. Anything else deprives me of information and context, a realistic picture of my situation, that in turn allows me to make good decisions for myself. And he pointed out that I wasn't the only one missing out on our time together. He also noted that sometimes he has no choice and that to tell her no would raise a lot of questions that he can't answer and that he sometimes has to appease her. Fine. Whatever. Some of that is BS, as I say you can DO whatever you WANT to do. On the flip side, I would also add that I have told him that I think, for several legal and financial reasons, that it would be best if he would stay with her until the spring, so I can't exactly fault him for making his life as bearable as possible in the interim.
As for what I expect from him? I expect to be first in his heart and I expect to be very high on his list of priorities. I expect him to respect my time, as I am as busy or busier than he is. I am a professional and a homeowner and a single parent. I don't have time in my schedule for the whims of his W. I expect him to insulate me from her crazymaking as much as possible. I expect him to communicate quickly and honestly with me about things that derail our plans. I expect him to be apologetic when he disappoints me, because I have done as much as I can for our relationship simply by saying, "I love you, I have faith in you, I will stand by you as we navigate this." And because he is the M one, that puts ALL of the responsibility for making time for us squarely on his shoulders. I expect a lot from him. I expect that eventually, we will build an incredible partnership together, without all of this juggling and angst. I expect that until then, he will do his best to make this very difficult situation as easy on me as he can. I have agreed to play second fiddle for a while, in the name of the greater good. That deserves some recognition by him, IMO.
You actually sound