Help me get thru this

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Help me get thru this
11
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 7:40pm
First, for those not familiar with my story, I will give you a brief scenerio...

I have been involved with my MM for 12 yrs. We also work together. We spend time together outside of work quite often every week and have a fantastic relationship (under the circumstances) and plan to be together when the kids are grown (about another 3-1/2 yrs of waiting to go).

Over the past week or two a number of things have happened at work, harrassment accusations by someone about someone plus it was found out 2 other people have been having an affair for 2 yrs so Human Resources Dept. is in overdrive. So, my MM said we have to cool it or if we are found out both of us would lose our jobs and that we need to be extremely careful and can only see each other maybe once a month, no calls, no emails, nothing! God, I know he is right but I am sooo depressed! He has been the major part of my life for so long, over a decade. Now I see him at work and can barely talk to him and I just feel the pain inside. Although, he says it's only temporary and that he loves me and hates this too, I still feel like I've lost an important part of my life. And I thought all I was going to have to deal with was all the hunting trips he takes this time of year and the wonderfully depressing holidays approaching!

Plus, to make matters worse, my H is at his worst right now...verbal abuse to know end every day to mention a small part of the hell.

I don't know how to get thru this. I feel I am about as down as a person can get right now.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 11:18pm
Hey Cyber Pal,

You are NOT as low as a person can get! I don't know, but am assuming you have a safe roof over your head, food to eat, your mental and physical health, people whom love you and people to love, and uh, a computer connected to the internet, lol. There are hundreds of thousands of people just here in the States who are not safe, do not have good health, have recently lost a loved one, etc. - and those people may be as low as a person can get.

I'm sorry you are missing MM and the communication. But, MM should not be a major part of your life - one needs to keep a balance of everything in their life to have a positive perspective. For example, if different aspects in your life (job, family, YOU!, MM, other responsibilities, etc.) were balls you juggle, you'd give each ball a toss in the air in turn to keep them balanced...and once you get the hang of it, you are juggling, balancing, automatically and the balls are taking care of their selves. So, find your new balance - add a ball if necessary (something for you - a new challange such as learning something new), and if you don't focus on any one ball but all of them as a whole, you'll gain a better perspective.

Trust MM and take him at his word - that it will be difficult for him, as well. Turn it into a positive - think of the anticipation until you are able to see each other, and how it could spice things up! Be thankful it was the other couple that was found out, instead of you!

You can't let H's verbal abuse get to you - they are only words. Rise above it, and don't allow it to affect you. I've BTDT, and considered myself very low at the time - but that is a part of it, stbxH was feeding off my low self-esteem while I allowed it to control my thoughts/emotions/actions. It's all a mind game - by allowing it, you are messing with your own head. When your H is being abusive, close your ears and mind to it, and think of something positive. Replace his bad seeds in your subconcious mind with your own positive good seeds, and watch a beautiful garden in your conscious mind (a beautiful mind, lol) develop and grow: you'll become conscious that it's what you think and know in your own mind that counts, not what H says or shouts.

Honestly, I can empathize with you - and I hope you take this little lecture as "tough love".

Go gurl!

Meow




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 10:51am
I don't get why no e-mails. Can't you set up an e-mail account through an online service like Yahoo or Hotmail? Those e-mails can't be traced unless they decided to get into your computer and see what was on your screen. Is it just too risky? It seems like there ought to be a way...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 6:09pm
We did that, but our work says they can view that too...we took a big chance doing it anyway for awhile there and he won't look at them from his home computer.

Things are alittle better, we found somewhere to meet the other night to talk and he swears it won't be this bad for long.

I'll have to wait and see I guess...but I do miss him lots!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 8:43am
Yeah, if there's one thing I've learned about my MM, nothing is for certain. He'll tell me we need to do this or that for a while and I'll take him on his word, but 99% of the time by the time the next day rolls around, he's weakened on that again. It just depends how his strength is on a given day. There were rumors going around for a while back and he told me we needed to "cool our jets" for a while. That was a Friday and I worried and was sad all weekend, but then Monday came and he was back to usual. Whatever! It does make things pretty unpredictable, though. You never know what each day will bring. I imagine by the time a couple of weeks have passed, things will slowly start gravitating back to normal. Is there a way one of you could get a job somewhere else, so this won't be an issue?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 9:05am
I would like to bring a really serious point to your attention with your situation.

With all of the buzz around your office with the sexual harassment and affairs etc. people are going to be on high alert. The worse thing you and your MM can do is to change your normal routine. If you typically have alot of interaction throughout the day the best thing you can do is to maintain your normal routine. If you cease your normal interaction people will notice IMMEDIATELY.

If you are ever asked if you are involved with someone or suspicions arise the worse thing you can do is to change your amount contact or interaction with that person because it looks terribly suspicious!

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 9:46am
Yeah, that's the angle I worked last time. I told him exactly what you just said and he agreed. I told him that if we're going to be together someday, the best thing we could do right now is build our friendship, get to know each other better. So we did. Still today when I'm in his cubicle I'm very aware of all the ears, but he's not. He takes a lot of risks and I don't know how to tell him not to. One day he even kissed me -- a quick peck on the lips -- but this guy is NOT a quiet kisser. There was this loud SMACK and I was so sure everyone had heard. I worried about it all weekend. It's all the whisperings and the silences that get them wondering, so I have to do my best to stay aware of what it is they are (or aren't) hearing! We have a situation every morning where we have to be in the same area with all the people who gossiped about us. We both do our best not to look at each other but I know before all this, I used to look at him, just as I looked at everyone else that was there. So I'll glance over occasionally but very, very rarely do I catch him looking at me. On mornings like today when I'm afraid something might be wrong between us, I get a little paranoid. I start thinking, "If he'd just look at me one time, for one second, it would be enough." But he wouldn't. So I ended up calling him, all paranoid, but he couldn't really talk because there were ears all around so he was distant and quiet and I couldn't tell anything. Do you see what I'm dealing with? I'll think he's being weird when really it's just that all around him is silence and he feels like people are listening... Again, he tells me to quit thinking and worrying so much but I can't help it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 9:52am
If your work is really good, they can look at anything! My MM and I lost our jobs b/c of our affair-and we used our private email addresses-they can look at it while you are on the computer! We both had great jobs, and were "given the choice" of quiting of getting fired. They called our relationship "creating a hostile work environment" and said it was a form of sexual harrassement! Just be very careful! the world of technology can get you in the end!

sassy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 10:20am
Gosh, Sweetie- that is alot to deal with right now, but you know he is right and it is for the best. Hang tight and look forward to the once a month treat . Hugs to you , you can be strong , hold your head high.

Wishing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 11:25am
Well, there are programs that monitor your keystrokes that print out everything you type during the day. There's also a program called "remote control" where they can get in and see what's on your screen at any given time. If your work has those sorts of things, you're basically screwed any way you look at it. If you're typing info. on HERE, they'd know about it of course. The thing I'm talking about is e-mails that can be read over the server. If you're using your work e-mail to communicate, every e-mail can be read. If you're using Yahoo or Hotmail, all they can see by going through the server is that you went to Yahoo Mail however many times a day. I guess this woman probably doesn't let her MM know she posts here, though. If she did he'd probably tell her to stop.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Sat, 11-01-2003 - 4:40pm
This type of relationship is hard enough making sure spouses and family don't find out but making sure work doesn't find out is double hard! Sorry about what happened to you but is exactly what my company would do if they knew...we'd both be out the door! There is soooo much they can do to watch every move you make on the computer and i'm sure my company has the latest and greatest snooping technology available. I know they can monitor the internet email sending and receiving but I don't know if they can actually read the email.

Take care,

your cyber pal

Pages