Help - Possible DD!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Help - Possible DD!!!
24
Mon, 09-15-2008 - 11:49pm

As you all know I have been out of the A for months. AP and I are still friends, somewhat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 2:36pm

Venus,


I'm sorry but I've been here and

Woman Rain Pictures, Images and Photos
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 4:47pm

Hi Venus -


I'm so sorry you are going through this all right now.


I think you did the right thing by coming clean - at this point he had the proof - no sense in lying about it anymore.


I am of mixed minds about giving him all the details he is asking for - I understand wanting to spare more hurt - but at this point -he already hurts

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 5:08pm
I agree w/ obxbell. The more details that he has, the more he will torture himself w/ visuals in his head. DO NOT tell him you were w/ AP for two years! Do not tell him (I hate to be so personal) that AP was "bigger", "better" or lasted longer. All these things will only serve to hurt him further. The damage is done, scrap up what is left of your marriage if you want, and move on, but for YOUR sake don't give details. You will only hear about over and over again. Good luck Sugar.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 5:13pm
Don't feel bad obxbell. We all feel that way. There is comfort in thing we know that's why we run back. Don't say that you are not strong, because you are. Shoot it's hard to lead one life, and your leading two :) So see you are strong. Chin up girl.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 5:30pm

Thank you justice.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 5:44pm

Well, it's probably good that he finally knows, but I would be VERY careful about giving him details. I say this from my own experience. I had an affair a few years ago. It went on for about 2 years. My H found out about it, and I ended up giving him ALL the details. Not because I really wanted to, but because he basically verbally battered me into it. He just would not let it lie. I went through hell. And he had not been faithful to me! He had committed adultry himself. When it happened with him, he just wanted to sweep it all under the rug, and did. I did ask him some questions, but got very little answers. I guess I just knew enough to stop asking. Not with him. But, then again, the rules for him were always different than the rules for me. He was a an arrogant control freak. However, I DID love him.

My affair stemmed not from a lack of love for my H, but as a desperate measure to deal with my lonliness and unhappiness. My H had a huge problem with intimacy and sex, and I tried for many years to deal with it. There were years where we had sex like 2 times in the whole year, and I'm not exaggerating in the least, sad to say. I tried everything humanly possible to get him to work on it, and he wouldn't or just couldn't. I don't know which. Not only that, he wasn't even a good companion. He just did what he wanted to do. By the time I reached the affair stage, I was beyond numb. I felt like a complete soul-less person walking around. I was that miserable. I was an affair just waiting to happen. And the thing was, my H was a very jealous person. LONG before it happened. Funny...a person can be so afraid you're going to stray and yet do nothing to keep it from happening.

My H and I ended up getting divorced four years ago. This is not how I would have wanted things to turn out. I would have rather never have had an affair. And if I was going to, I would have rather I had been much more careful about not getting caught, and if caught, would have lied to him. Why? Because despite what one of the posters has said about most men forgiving, I disagree completely. SOME men forgive. Many don't. Because it's the double standard. Men will be men...it's just sex. Women are whores. Things might have turned out differently for me if I had not given him the whole picture. Not given him the ammo in which to assassinate me. It's one thing for someone to know that in some regards you weren't faithful. It's another for them to know how long, where, the whens, the hows.

When I look back on it now, I wish it had never happened. Would I have ended up divorced anyway? Possibly. But at least I could have held my head up and know that I had remained true to him, despite his own behavior. I could have retained my integrity. Because I am not, by nature, an unfaithful person. Especially when I really love someone. Despite what led me to the affair, I STILL had a choice. Besides providing me with sexual pleasure and ego-stroking, I can't honestly say that the affair was good for me. How can something that hurts other people be "good", no matter how we rationalize it? No matter how good it makes us feel?

I guess what I'm trying to say in all of this is be very careful about what you divulge. And be absolutely certain he can handle it. I KNEW my H couldn't handle it. I just cracked under his pressure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 10:14pm
I am so glad that my post helped even if it's only a little. I know this much you are far stronger than you think. I don't know if I could stay away from my AP unless he was abusive. To me, my worst day w/ him is better than all my best days w/ EH. So you have my respect girlfriend, because when you love someone, pulling away is the hardest, and last thing that you'd want to do. Are you sure that you have to end EA? I am not really familiar w/ your story, so if you feel like it, fill me in. Until I hear from you, take care of yourself, and hold your head high. Just because you had an A doesn't mean that you are a bad person or morally bankrupt. You are dealing with this situation the best you way that you know how. You can only work w/ the tools that you are given. Smile....please.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Mon, 09-22-2008 - 9:55pm

Thanks to all who responded.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2008
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 6:50am

If you truly love your H and really wants to be with him, then you'll just have to do everything he demands to make him happy.

Edwina
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 8:10am

Hi Venus.