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| Sat, 05-02-2009 - 4:00pm |
I'm back. About a year ago I was here for the same reason you guys are here. The week of my 17th wedding anniversary, I got busted by my husband, my affair is over, my exAP partner denied everything when confronted and threw me under the bus. Surprisingly, my husband wanted to work things out and we are still married.
I'm here to help anyone who wants to talk. My hope is that all of you will someday soon become a member of the "after the affair is over" board.
What's even more ironic is that I stumbled into the "betrayed spouse support group" once before and actually ended up being a sounding board for those ladies. I figured they would chew me up and spit me out, but they didn't. They asked me questions and I answered them straightforward and they appreciated that. They come to realize the we (AP) are not all b*****s that are after "their man". We are mothers, sisters, aunts, co-workers, etc, just like they are. I can't speak for everyone here, but in my case, I let hormones and a bad decision screw up everything but by the grace of God (literally), I have moved on and am trying to make a difference in folk's lives that are willing to listen. idk.
When I was here last, there wasn't anything anyone could have said to have gotten me to stop what I was doing, but believe me, the pain I put my family, friends, and myself wasn't worth the affair.
That doesn't mean that some affairs don't "work out" meaning some couples actually end up together happily ever after I suppose, but I'm thinking if that were the case, this support group wouldn't be here...
Ask away girls....I'm open for anything~~

Hi iwannab,
I'm also an XOW who's made it over the hump. I'm four years post A. I'm divorced though...glad to hear you and your H. are rebuilding. I wish I had found these boards 6 years ago before I went down my own destructive path. But not sure if anyone else's advice would have turned me around either.
Anyway...nothing to ask...I'm a recenter poster too,
Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love. ~Anonymous
&nb
>>>"When I was here last, there wasn't anything anyone could have said to have gotten me to stop what I was doing"<<<
Pretty much the same now. No one wants to listen to us. So, I hope you'll jump in anyway and give us your POV. Heaven knows I've been preaching here for a long time now. I don't think I made a gnat of difference changing peoples minds to prevent them from making the biggest "bo-bo" they'll ever make in their lives. But, I still do it anyway....
Although my situation turned out like a dream and am now with AP/BF IRL, I would still caution that an A is NOT for the weak.
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
- Ramona L. Anderson
Edited 7/26/2009 10:47 pm ET by goblinqueen79
THANK YOU MRS.!! Couldn't have said it better myself
Hi thinkingman,
Honestly? While I appreciate the sentiment there is a board to seek advice from the WS as a BS. Life After Betrayal has a folder for both sides to post to each other.
Might be a better match for you in particular (I think you already post there though).
Good Luck!
"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop." Herb Stein
I know this isn't the place to respond to this, but I checked that other board and don't see any posts from you, so I'll answer you here.
What are/did you get from your AP that you aren't/weren't getting from your existing relationship?
Hello everyone~~
I have read all the replies and would like to respond.
First off, I apologize if my presense here is being taken in the wrong way. I by no means here to preach about the evils of affairs. That's something every women here already knows. I guess I wasn't aware that you ladies do go over to the other boards and check them out. I guess I thought I could bring some insight since I'd already been there, done that,& smoked the cigarette afterwards.I was wrong for coming here anyway b/c being here has brought up all the memories of my own affair and I do miss my xAP dearly. I never got over him eventhough things turned out the way they did.
I do want to answer Thinkingmans questions before I leave b/c his settings don't allow emails to him so please forgive me for continuing to be here. I never meant for you ladies to think I was invading your safe haven b/c trust me when I say I was here a year ago and these boards are the only thing that got me through.
here goes:
What are/did you get from your AP that you aren't/weren't getting from your existing relationship?
Mine had nothing to do with my existing relationship. It was a chance to be with "the one that got away".
If/when you were discovered would you/did you think you should be able keep both relationships?
Mine was already over when I was discovered but even so, seeing the pain my family and husband were in over this, no I would not have been able to continue the affair I don't think.
What would it take for your existing partner to get you back from your AP?
Their was no competition between the two. It was like I had two relationship and I was content with both. The problem was one was one I was suppose to be true to and the other was a friendship that turned physical. Only your wife will be able to answer this specific question for you. Just ask her and let her be honest, and if she says the affair was not your fault, believe her.
Thinkingman, please feel free to email me with any other questions. Actually anyone for that matter can email privately to avoid any conflict on the boards.
Thanks~
iwannabgood
Ok, since you directed this at me, I will respond.
>>>"What are/did you get from your AP that you aren't/weren't getting from your existing relationship?"<<<
I my situation, we were both too young and immature to make an M work. While I became the responsible Mommy, he still wanted to do all the stuff a young single guy is supposed to do.
>>>"If/when you were discovered would you/did you think you should be able keep both relationships?"<<<
I was never discovered. I confessed and asked for D. I could've just asked for D without him knowing of the A, but he (xH) wouldn't believe that I really wanted out of the M.
>>>"What would it take for your existing partner to get you back from your AP?"<<<
In my case "nothing". My xH did try to do everything in his power to prevent a D (i.e., terroristic tactics, blackmail, mental abuse, bribes) and it worked with my first AP. The second AP was much more distinguished, very intelligent and intimidating man. He never let me or xH get away with any excuses that may have worked in the past. Also, by that time I met second AP now BF. xH and I just stayed M for the title and not as husband and W.
Now, to your situation Mr. Thinkingman. There are deep seated problems why your W cheated. It could be within herself or compounded with the problems within your M. A good MC (marriage counselor) should be able to help you shed some light into this. If your W wants to stay and rebuild the M, then I would suggest you both get professional help to get to the bottom of the problem to start rebuilding the M from a solid foundation.
If she doesn't want to re-build. You will be wasting your time trying to make your M work again. It takes two to make an M and in my experience (since I'm not and never was a cake-eater or a cheat) when a woman stray, she's usually already given up on the M. Now, even if she has agreed to stay and work on the M, the pull of the A is so strong (it's like asking a drug addict to give up just like that) and she may totter back and forth. That's why it's very important that you stand firm and really get her to commit to rebuilding otherwise, just let her go and you move on. Some women need to experience stuff (good or bad) for their soul to grow and it's sometimes futile for you to prevent her from having that lesson.
Sorry you're in this predicament. I know how devastating it is. I wish everything that's good in the future for you.
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
- Ramona L. Anderson