here i am again

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
here i am again
7
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 9:07am
This is really nothing to do with mm (FWOB), as a matter of fact, he has done a disappearing act again, and I really wish I can see him and talk to him.

This is about H, he has been nasty and mean for the last 4 or 5 days, he now totally refuses to go to counseling with me, according to him, I am the one who needs counseling, I have issues, yada yada yada, typical verbal abuser. After crying for a few days, I am now telling myself...(as my counselor suggested) it is not my fault, and instead of focusing on all my many faults that my H constantly points out, I am concentrating on the good qualities that I have. I do not need or desire to apologize for who I am, H knew who I was when he married me, if he cannot except my faults then that is his problem not mine. I stood up to him yesterday, and told him to stop yelling at me, that I did not deserve it, he then yelled that he wasn't yelling at me. I looked around and said, well, I am the only one here, so therefore you are yelling at me and I don't deserve it. Then he stopped, and kissed me on the head, and went to work. Also, that one kiss, was the first show of any kind of affection he has shown me in days, he has not said I love you, has not hugged me, or even said good night to me. I feel as if I am in a void, all by myself. I have opened a savings account in my dd's name, and have started putting money away just in case. Everytime we fight, he says he wants a D, and I am not going to be left with nothing, so every spare dollar is getting put away. I don't know what happened, things were going really well, and suddenly he has turned on me, it is like living with Jeckyll and Hyde. I am starting to wonder if he is Bi-Polar. Still even if he is, there is no reason or excuse for him to treat me this way. I am not in a very good place emotionally right now, and just needed to vent some of this out. At this point, I am afraid that if I saw mm, I would not be able to resist and we would end up being intimate, just because I need someone so bad to just hold me, and make me feel like someone special. I don't want to do this though, I have BTDT before, in the past, and it just made things so much worse for me, so far I have resisted for well over a year, I just kept reminding myself all the reason's why I shouldn't. But now, I am finding reasons why I should. Well, I just needed to vent and get some of this out, I really have no one I can talk about this to, so here I am.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 9:25am
Itty, I seriously hope that you continue with your counseling despite your H's interest in resolving your marital differences. You must maintain your own mental health for your sake and your dd's especially when you are being subjected to verbal abuse.

I agree that you should steer clear of your OM as now is not the time to add more fuel to your fire. You have enough on your plate to contend with right now. Seeing your OM and chancing the possibility of becoming intimate would not help your situation and it is likely to happen since you're emotionally fragile right now.

Concentrate on your emotional and mental wellbeing and all will be well with time...

Email me if you wish to communicate off the board.

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 1:33pm
I am continueing with counseling, I went on Tuesday, (alone) and made another appointment for 2 weeks. Yes, I know that any intimacy between me and mm would be a big mistake. I think I long for his friendship more than anything right now. He is going through much of the same things with his W, and so he understands. I had a good cry and a nap earlier, and feel much better now. Sometimes it's just better to cry it out.

Thanks for your concern.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 2:12pm
Keep taking good care of yourself and keep us posted on your situation.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 7:42pm
Oh, Itty... I wish I could think of something brilliantly reassuring to say, but I can't. But you know what odd thought crossed my mind? Is there any chance your H is having an EMA? Emotional or physical?

In some respects, it doesn't matter. Because his treatment of you now is not a "brand new" thing, right? If I understood correctly from earlier posts, he has behaved like this before which is why you had tension and an interest in MM in the first place.

All I can do is send you big cyber hugs and repeat the mantra... TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. And keep venting here... as long as we can be here to offer you support, hopefully that will help a little.

Oh, and make sure YOUR name alone is on your DD's bank account, as guardian or something. You want to have access to those funds yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 8:54pm
Hi Itty,

this may seem a little naive or something, or too simplistic, but is there a way you can spend a few days by yourself away from everything to give you a better perspective on what you want - even away from counselling?

i had to do that recently to be able to even clearly articulate my own situation to my own self - not that i have a solution yet. hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 5:03am
Ah, Lily you know my situation and I appreciate your words, things have been rough with H right from the beginning. But you know what, even if I have bad moments, I am stronger than I was. Counseling is helping me to percieve myself in a different way, even though H tries to emotionally batter me down, I am starting to believe that I am better, and worth more than he would have me believe.

As for dd's account, I have a custodial account, I am the only one who can draw funds from it, and if anything happens to me it will revert to my exH since she is his d.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: ittybrat2
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 5:11am
happy, oooh you have brought up my biggest fantasy...I would love to hide away somewhere, preferably in a log cabin in the middle of the woods with a stack of books. But, it is just not feasable, mostly financially, and no one to take care of d, and too many job responsibilities,(which add to my stress). But it is a lovely thought.

As for H, he was a calmer last night, no yelling, but no touching and no I love you's either, I think he is waiting for me to apologize, HA!! I am not going to apologize to him when I did nothing wrong, I am not going to be sorry for who I am. I have faults, yes, everyone does, but I am not going to let him make me feel that that is all there is to me.