Here I go again (?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008
Here I go again (?)
16
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 11:41am

Hi. New poster here. 7 yrs ago I had an XMA with a MM; I was married too. At the time I thought he would leave his wife for me because he was making plans and talking about our future. His wife found out and he abruptly dropped me saying it was over. I was crushed...but left my marriage a month later because I knew my husband and I were done. For a while, XMM and I didn't talk to each other, but soon I began calling him and we talked on a regular basis...about the guys I was currently seeing...he gave me advice and was generally a good friend. Within 1 1/2 years I met someone who lived 4 hours away. We met on an online dating service. He was sweet and extremely kind, treated me like gold and treated me like I had never been treated by my XH. He asked me to marry him within 9 days of us talking on the phone..we hadn't even met in person yet. This man has told me he fell in love with my profile and knew we were meant to be. The first time we kissed, I felt nothing and have continued to feel nothing. There just was no chemistry with him..he had it with me, but there was nothing there for me. I should have listened to my head and that little voice that was warning me I shouldn't get married so soon and to someone who didn't do anything for me, but I had been struggling financially, my XH was being a total as$ and this man was a breath of fresh air. This man lived 4 hours away so for a while we carried on a long distance relationship. It was difficult, and within a few months, I had moved in with him. Many, many things happened to me in the next 2-3 years...too long to go into to, but medical problems in which I needed surgery and my DH was a pillar. He has helped me regain self-esteem and continues to treat me great.

Meantime...XMM and I would talk now and then. We'd reconnect..always at my doing...email and call each other for a while and then things would start heading into the romantic discussions and I'd back off and stop contact because I was trying to be "good" in my marriage.

I would go months..in same cases over a year before contacting him again..just to see how he was and maybe subconsciously to see if he was still married. The most recent contact I had started in July...mind you, I wasn't contacting him when things were rough between DH and myself; although over the years (5) we've really had trouble in the s*x department because of the lack of chemistry I feel for him. DH KNOWS I'm not into him...and is afraid some day I will find myself into someone and leave him. He wants me to desire him but I can't MAKE myself..it's something that is there or it isn't. I felt I could deal with that because the rest of my life is happy, but I don't know if I can keep pretending when I feel nothing. I guess I feel I owe him for taking me out of bad situation and "rescuing" me.

In July, when XMM and I started contact, it started out totally platonic. Except that now he has been talking to a lawyer and has finally decided to get divorced. He hasn't filed yet, nor has he told his wife this. We have been in constant contact since..he even bought me a track phone so we could communicate without his number showing up on my cell bill. We got to see each other for the first time in 6 1/2 years a couple of weeks ago. We only met for an hour in a parking lot, so it was pretty innocent. Both of us were super nervous and anxious, not knowing what if any feelings were still there. When he kissed me..just like the very first time we ever kissed, there were fireworks...it hits both of us. He looked wonderful and I knew when I saw him that I still loved him. I truly think he has been the only man I loved this much. I love DH too..but in a different way. Not to give TMI but whenever DH and I kiss..nothing happens "down below"...I've described it as being dead from the waist down-- I thought I wasn't working. However, when XMM and I kiss...it definitely is working!!

XMM is now professing his undying love for me...even moreso than 7 years ago. Says he IS leaving his wife and once things die down, he wants me to leave DH. DH is going to be devastated ...absolutely crushed if I leave him. He loves me completely and has done nothing to deserve being dumped. I feel so guilty about this, but I want to be with XMM. We have a long history of knowing each other for many years before anything happened...we're great friends and I think we are probably soul mates.

XMM (just like 7 yrs ago) is making future plans for us...and talks about us being together, but when I tell him how bad divorce is and what to expect, how painful it is and how long it can take, it's almost like he doesn't want to hear it. He listens, but I'm not sure it's sinking in. For me to be with him, I will have to leave my sweet unsuspecting H, quit my job (which I love) and move back to the small town I came from...the town I swore I would never move back to. Both our exes live in that town, both exes will be mean and vindictive to us..it will be very uncomfortable if we ever run into them, which we will because you can't help but run into them at some point or another. The reason I'd have to move is because he owns a business and can't relocate. Once he retires, we could move someone else though.

Soooo...I guess my question to ask the board is...am I being a total dope in falling for this guy again??? Should I stay put in my fairly happy marriage and just let XMM go for good? I am smart enough to not do anything about my marriage until he leaves his wife. I'm still not sure (even though he says he's doing it) that he can go through with it.

DH continues to whine (for real) about my not wanting him or desiring him...our s*x life is great once we get into it...but I normally initiate it and know that I have to service him 2-3x a week for him to not get cranky. It's very dysfunctional -- he wants s*x whenever he can get it and I don't want it at all; but it's up to me to initiate. Like I said..it's very hard for me to keep pretending I have ANY interest, but yet I continue to do it to keep the peace. We rarely fight but when we do, many times it is because of my lack of interest in him.

If i tell DH who I'm leaving him for, he isn't going to understand..of course, he wouldn't understand why I'd leave him for anyone else. He has continually said that because he treats me so well, that should make me desire him. It just doesn't work like that, I don't think.

Sorry this is long..I'd appreciate ANY input!

Thanks.

L

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2007
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 1:12pm

You shouldn't have to do anything right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 1:44pm

Thanks for your response. You know..initially (back in August) I had told him I wouldn't even meet him until he had filed for D and left DW. I did not want to put myself in the same position I was in before without some sort of action on his part. He was OK with that, but when he found out I was making a trip in his general direction, he asked me to meet him.

Our distance is actually a good thing..because we can't act on our feelings. However, next week I'm going to a large city for a business trip and asked him to come along. Since I asked him though, have been vacillating back and forth on whether or not he should come. We would have one night to act like a couple..no one around, we can have a nice dinner, maybe do some shopping,etc. We never could do that when we were in the midst of our EMA. He doesn't know what excuse he can use to take the trip, but he's working on it. He said if we would get caught (which is probably a slim chance) he's ready to admit our A and come clean with his W. Not the ideal plan, I know. I just don't know if I can go through with it and then go home to DH and act all lovey dovey when I just spent the night with someone else!! When I had my EMA before, I didn't love my H..he was emotionally abusive and a control freak. I didn't care if I hurt him by the A. This time it is different..I DO care about DH!!

As for his children, they are grown and out of his house, no worries there, but I know his W would go ballistic if she found out he was with me again.

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 1:58pm
I agree with the other posters. Make hime prove that he's getting D.....and why couldn't you 2 eventually compromise and live somewhere near but not IN your old city? Also, you don't have to tell your H you're leaving him for this guy. He knows you have been having issues with each other for a long time.That alone is enough to end the M.How about asking for a separation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 2:10pm

He does have a branch office in another city..in fact, he just asked me like 1 hr ago if I liked that city and would I mind living there...not sure if he meant to relocate to or what. He was in the car, I'm at work and I didn't feel like shouting over the phone, so I didn't ask. AP is a pillar of the community, which makes this all that much worse because he's afraid of what people will think. If he just left his W in a D, I'm sure "they" would think alot less of it, than if he got caught in an EMA!!!

As for DH...you're right. I don't have to tell him, but obviously he is going to ask me if there is someone else. I mean I can still not tell him. He knows about my EMA with this guy and that it basically helped end my marriage. XMM comes up in conversation sometimes too with how DH doesn't know what he has going for him that I was so attracted to him vs. not being attracted to DH. It's hard for me to describe and even I don't know why I'm so attracted to him, but something is just "there".

If the day ever comes that AP leaves his W, I can ask for a separation. There will be many questions, but as you pointed out, DH knows that my heart doesn't lie with him like it should.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 2:15pm
wise woman....sounds like you have covered all the bases. i hope it works out the way you want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 2:54pm

I don't think you should hold off on your divorce to see what your AP does with his marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 3:13pm

You make some good points...we've done counseling a couple of times. I've even gone by myself more times. The underlying current to ALL my counseling is that I really don't want to be with DH. I complain about him more than I talk good about him. Basically, I'm using him for financial comfort. (Which is terrible on my part) We're not rich or anything, but we have a nice house, nice cars and do pretty much whatever we want. I hated being on my own when I left my 1st marriage..it was very stressful, although back then I was barely making any money and was supporting myself and 2 kids (part-time)with no help from my ex. My job I have now pays great and I know I'd be OK financially. One kid is done w/college and has a good job and the other lives with his dad, so they aren't in the mix anymore either. I just can't say our M is finished hands down...because I've been pretending so long, it's just like breathing to me. If he was abusive or we fought alot, I would have left long ago, but he isn't and I just hate the thought of hurting him.

I did think what you mentioned though..that he MAY just find the love of his life, even though that is what he feels he has in me. Just yesterday I was talking about how much I missed my old house (with my ex) because it was my "dream home". He said, "You miss your house, but now you're in a dream relationship!" He chuckled and then said, "You probably are thinking no, not really." Truth be told, HE DOES feel that way, but I so don't!! It's just totally one-sided.

I just feel like a horrible person all the way around. As for telling AP he needs to leave first...yeah, maybe that is a stupid idea, but I already left one marriage because of him...not for him because we weren't together then, but because I knew the love was totally gone. He has said over and over what a mistake that was and that he should have left his marriage back then. I guess that is why I'm stressing that he needs to take care of his M first! I'm not about to leave my M which isn't all that bad, only to have him back peddle and decide not to leave for some reason. In the long run, would I be making a better choice for DH? Maybe, only it wouldn't seem like that at the time.

Am I making sense at all??? lol

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 5:06pm

I completely understand where you are coming from.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 8:30am

So are you still in your A or not? I couldn't tell from your post. What you described are my exact feelings about DH. He ISN"T the one for me, and I do find things to pick at and pick on him for. When I was going through my divorce, I was an emotional, frail wreck. I was on my own for the first time in almost 20 years. All I wanted to do was find someone who would promise to take care of me. He came along and seemed to be a good choice from the men I had been dating -- he seemed so much more sincere than any of them..and he has been steadfast in his love for me. He built up my self-esteem and made me a stronger person. Once I was "better emotionally" I felt like he had served his purpose and I was ready to move on. When I married him, I didn't feel like this at all, but it happened within months of our marriage.

It just makes it that much worse..if he was nasty to me I wouldn't have any trouble cheating on him, but it's my fear of hurting him that is making me really think things through.

I told AP he's now un-invited to the city for my business trip next week. He was a little upset at first, but then realized where I was coming from. He totally knows everything lies on his shoulders and whether or not he can get up the nerve to leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 9:04am

I'm so glad to hear that you un-invited him to your trip.

 

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