Here I go again (?)
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| Mon, 10-06-2008 - 11:41am |
Hi. New poster here. 7 yrs ago I had an XMA with a MM; I was married too. At the time I thought he would leave his wife for me because he was making plans and talking about our future. His wife found out and he abruptly dropped me saying it was over. I was crushed...but left my marriage a month later because I knew my husband and I were done. For a while, XMM and I didn't talk to each other, but soon I began calling him and we talked on a regular basis...about the guys I was currently seeing...he gave me advice and was generally a good friend. Within 1 1/2 years I met someone who lived 4 hours away. We met on an online dating service. He was sweet and extremely kind, treated me like gold and treated me like I had never been treated by my XH. He asked me to marry him within 9 days of us talking on the phone..we hadn't even met in person yet. This man has told me he fell in love with my profile and knew we were meant to be. The first time we kissed, I felt nothing and have continued to feel nothing. There just was no chemistry with him..he had it with me, but there was nothing there for me. I should have listened to my head and that little voice that was warning me I shouldn't get married so soon and to someone who didn't do anything for me, but I had been struggling financially, my XH was being a total as$ and this man was a breath of fresh air. This man lived 4 hours away so for a while we carried on a long distance relationship. It was difficult, and within a few months, I had moved in with him. Many, many things happened to me in the next 2-3 years...too long to go into to, but medical problems in which I needed surgery and my DH was a pillar. He has helped me regain self-esteem and continues to treat me great.
Meantime...XMM and I would talk now and then. We'd reconnect..always at my doing...email and call each other for a while and then things would start heading into the romantic discussions and I'd back off and stop contact because I was trying to be "good" in my marriage.
I would go months..in same cases over a year before contacting him again..just to see how he was and maybe subconsciously to see if he was still married. The most recent contact I had started in July...mind you, I wasn't contacting him when things were rough between DH and myself; although over the years (5) we've really had trouble in the s*x department because of the lack of chemistry I feel for him. DH KNOWS I'm not into him...and is afraid some day I will find myself into someone and leave him. He wants me to desire him but I can't MAKE myself..it's something that is there or it isn't. I felt I could deal with that because the rest of my life is happy, but I don't know if I can keep pretending when I feel nothing. I guess I feel I owe him for taking me out of bad situation and "rescuing" me.
In July, when XMM and I started contact, it started out totally platonic. Except that now he has been talking to a lawyer and has finally decided to get divorced. He hasn't filed yet, nor has he told his wife this. We have been in constant contact since..he even bought me a track phone so we could communicate without his number showing up on my cell bill. We got to see each other for the first time in 6 1/2 years a couple of weeks ago. We only met for an hour in a parking lot, so it was pretty innocent. Both of us were super nervous and anxious, not knowing what if any feelings were still there. When he kissed me..just like the very first time we ever kissed, there were fireworks...it hits both of us. He looked wonderful and I knew when I saw him that I still loved him. I truly think he has been the only man I loved this much. I love DH too..but in a different way. Not to give TMI but whenever DH and I kiss..nothing happens "down below"...I've described it as being dead from the waist down-- I thought I wasn't working. However, when XMM and I kiss...it definitely is working!!
XMM is now professing his undying love for me...even moreso than 7 years ago. Says he IS leaving his wife and once things die down, he wants me to leave DH. DH is going to be devastated ...absolutely crushed if I leave him. He loves me completely and has done nothing to deserve being dumped. I feel so guilty about this, but I want to be with XMM. We have a long history of knowing each other for many years before anything happened...we're great friends and I think we are probably soul mates.
XMM (just like 7 yrs ago) is making future plans for us...and talks about us being together, but when I tell him how bad divorce is and what to expect, how painful it is and how long it can take, it's almost like he doesn't want to hear it. He listens, but I'm not sure it's sinking in. For me to be with him, I will have to leave my sweet unsuspecting H, quit my job (which I love) and move back to the small town I came from...the town I swore I would never move back to. Both our exes live in that town, both exes will be mean and vindictive to us..it will be very uncomfortable if we ever run into them, which we will because you can't help but run into them at some point or another. The reason I'd have to move is because he owns a business and can't relocate. Once he retires, we could move someone else though.
Soooo...I guess my question to ask the board is...am I being a total dope in falling for this guy again??? Should I stay put in my fairly happy marriage and just let XMM go for good? I am smart enough to not do anything about my marriage until he leaves his wife. I'm still not sure (even though he says he's doing it) that he can go through with it.
DH continues to whine (for real) about my not wanting him or desiring him...our s*x life is great once we get into it...but I normally initiate it and know that I have to service him 2-3x a week for him to not get cranky. It's very dysfunctional -- he wants s*x whenever he can get it and I don't want it at all; but it's up to me to initiate. Like I said..it's very hard for me to keep pretending I have ANY interest, but yet I continue to do it to keep the peace. We rarely fight but when we do, many times it is because of my lack of interest in him.
If i tell DH who I'm leaving him for, he isn't going to understand..of course, he wouldn't understand why I'd leave him for anyone else. He has continually said that because he treats me so well, that should make me desire him. It just doesn't work like that, I don't think.
Sorry this is long..I'd appreciate ANY input!
Thanks.
L

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Not to play Devil's advocate, but what if someone else comes along who you connect with and seem to be interested in? Do you think it's possible another A will ensue? You said you didn't think you'd find anyone else, but you never know. You aren't cheating NOW on your H..but being that you don't think you belong with him, don't you wonder sometimes if that will happen?? Accidentally, of course, but it could be a possibility.
The reason I say this is that when I was unhappily married for 18 years, I cheated more than once. They were one time only things and what I would call flings. Only with XAP did it get more involved. We were in love--a love I had never felt before with anyone then or since. Once I realized that what my H and I had was NOT love, I decided it was better if I just took the plunge and left him. I guess I have XAP to thank for that.
Now after 5 yrs, I don't trust myself even though I have tried so hard to be a better wife this time. The longer my feelings seem to wane, the more I seem to be reaching out for...something or someone better??? I've met a couple men through my company who would be more than happy to have an EMA with me...and both have expressed it. To date, the most I've done is made out with the one guy when we were away on a business trip. I felt sooo guilty about it, but chalked it up to weakness because I had too much to drink. After a while though, I stopped feeling guilty about it.
I don't plan on doing anything that could ruin my career, so those guys are off limits and also because I have my AP back...I don't care about them. I can't figure out why I always need someone else in the background and can't be happy with just one guy. Because the one I'm with isn't Mr. Right like I thought??
I beat myself up continually about what I'm doing..I shouldn't but I can't help it. I"m my own worst critic.
I'm very thankful for this board and others like it. I always turn to Ivillage in times of trouble!! LOL.
We really do have a lot in common.
I do wonder what will happen if someone else comes along, but I also know myself and how picky I am, so I think chances are slim I will find anyone I fall for as I did with exEAP.
We are very, very similar in what we're doing, going through, etc!! It's nice to meet someone who is basically the same as I am. I'm NOT alone in this world! LOL.
When you said this, "Don't beat yourself up - you can't help what your heart feels and wants. And somehow, just like my H, I think your H knows that it's just a matter of time. I know they hope they can change how we feel and make us fall in love with them, which breaks my heart to even write because I wish so badly that I COULD be in love with H, but I know I can't, it's just not there. Sounds the same for you."
OMG!!! That is EXACTLY what H says all the time. He thinks if he treats me well and lets me do pretty much what I want to do, that I will be in love with him. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work like that.
You also mentioned a mental connection with your partner (whoever it is). That is what I love about AP...he is intelligent and challenges me. If I tried some of the stuff I get away with with DH, AP would put his foot down and we would have a rousing discussion. DH is a softie...too soft actually. I am the type of woman who needs reined in sometimes ...but not in a controlling way.
This comment, "I really think he could have been the one - or maybe I just think it because I can't get him (which I'm not used to), so it makes me want him more - who knows." had me doing a double take as well. That is what I had mentioned to AP before we met...I thought maybe that was why all these years have gone by and I just cannot let him out of my life completely. BUT...when I saw him again I realized that that wasn't the case. I think I haven't been able to forget him because we are soulmates.
What is odd is that our lives have intertwined in so many bizarre ways over the years. For instance, I mentioned I moved 4 hours away. I joined a gym near my home and went there for a couple of years without really making any friends. All the sudden, one woman and I strike up a conversation before a class one day and then we start talking on a regular basis. It turns out (we found out many months later) that SHE knows my AP..they go on business trips because they are in the same business and the company sends them on annual trips! Can you believe this??? She was raised in the same town I moved from...I know her sister and her brother in law (who is AP's business partner). I mean..it doesn't get any weirder than that. For me to choose ANY gym in my area, I happen to go to one where I meet someone who is friends with AP! Just to clarify...I didn't tell her we had an EMA...never ever!! She is friends with his W, and in fact mentioned that she had met me when they went away on a trip again. I guess (according to AP) you could have pushed his W over with a feather when she found out this woman had met me!!
That was really sweet what you said...that it sounds like things will work out this time. I sure hope so. I can't go through more heartache regarding AP.
It's been great talking to you! AND I LOVE WINE TOO !! LOL.
We really do have so much in common - it's kinda scary!
I also need to be "reined" in at times!!
Just wanted to say that I have been married 6 years to the most absolutely wonderful husband anyone could ask for.
Thanks for responding. I know that people have told me too that I need to leave my M for me, not for anyone else. DH doesn't do anything that really warrants having a bad M....he just doesn't attract me physically. We have fun together and do lots of things with friends--something I didn't have in my 1st M. There have been times where EAP is totally out of the picture...for months or even a year or more and I have felt the same. Sort of happy but just longing for something that seems to be missing. I kept telling myself it was me and there was something wrong with how I view our marriage and sex, but I think if I truly loved DH like a W is supposed to, I wouldn't have these feelings.
Is EAP the answer??? I'm not even sure. I am not going to do anything soon... If DH and I would be fighting a lot over trivial things, I don't think I'd have a problem moving out. Thing is, we are compatible and live a pretty low key life. We've had some blow outs over the years, don't get me wrong, but to keep the peace, I concede to him and stay put. He knows he doesn't do it for me, but I think he keeps thinking if he treats me great, I'll eventually fall madly in love with him. I know I can't...
When EAP and I have stopped communication in the past it was because I wanted to focus on my M and really try. Within several months of my trying, I would have to fight the urge to contact him EVERY DAY because I so missed talking to him. That is why I said we'd go months and even years with no contact--because I was trying. I think I've given myself time to concentrate on my M. I just think that I should have known better and not married him in the first place.
Little late for that now..
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