here's my story

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
here's my story
3
Wed, 08-27-2003 - 11:24am
goodmorning to all, here's my story. I'm 27, not married and involved in an affair for the past year. The man im involved with has only been married for a year and a half and has a one year old daughter. Everyday i ask myself how i got into this mess. My family suspects but aren't sure, my mother is totally disgusted with me. I have one friend who i can talk to, she doesn't judge me but i know she doesn't approve. I understand their concerns, and as much as i know what im doing is wrong im not ready to end my relationship. I have no complaints about MM, we see each other approx 4 times a week, and every weekend. He is there for me whenever i need him. We are friends, and i guess that's what makes it so special.

The thing is i know he is not going to leave his wife and i wonder to myself how can i be so weak, why am i doing this. I would love to be married someday and have children, i know that now is the time that i should be looking for "mr.right", but here i am spending my days in relationship that can go no further than where it is. Anyway i guess i just needed to vent, any advice would be helpful. By the way most of the posts i realise are from women who are married. How many of you are not married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Wed, 08-27-2003 - 11:44am
Hi Ibunker, and welcome to the board!

It is true that there aren't many OWs on the board, but I am not married and there are others here, too. I've been with my B/F for 7+ years, so sometimes it feels like we are married...I have an OM (I'm trying to make him an exOM...), which is why I use the board from time to time to vent...

I'm the sort that has no desire to speed into marriage, so I don't really think you have to start looking for mr. right simply because you are on the cusp of your thirties...

But, at the same time, it sounds to me like you want a serious R -- otherwise, you wouldn't spend so much time with MM. My goodness, 4 days a wk plus the weekend??!! Would you consider spending less time with MM in order to spend more time going out with your friends and enjoying yourself? You can't expect to like someone else, without meeting them first!! How would you feel if you met someone who you really liked and with whom you thought you could create a future, knowing that you still have MM on the side?

I don't understand the OW (anymore than I understand my OM! lol), but you seem to accept that your A won't go any farther than what it is now...well? What do you want to do? Obviously MM isn't going anywhere anytime soon -- do you want this A to drag on into your thirties?

Don't feel compelled to answer the above questions -- they are more for your reflection than anything else. Stick around, though, the board is great to work out these issues, no matter what your circumstances are...

Good luck and keep us posted,

Alameda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-27-2003 - 12:34pm
hi ibunker and welcome to our board.

to answer your last question, i'm not married, but divorced and in a long-term committed relationship with BF. seeing MM for over three years and he is my friend, lover and confidant. most days i feel like i have two lives!

as for your situation, i have a daughter who is 24 and even if she was in a relationship with a MM, i would not be disgusted with her. i would offer advice but i've never been the kind of mother whose word is law. my children always come to me for advice because they know i'll look at the situation from all sides and always have their best interest at heart. truthfully, i wouldn't be overjoyed if my daughter was in a R with a MM, but it would be her choice, not mine.

you have to live your life as you see fit. not for your parents, or friends. but for you. it sounds like you spend lots of time with MM so obviously you don't wait around much and be lonely at home. your concern is the future -- you eventually want to be married and have children. when (and if) you realize that will not happen with your MM, you will move on. probably because you will meet a man who will make you want to move forward with him. and the A will end. until that time, understand that most women cannot "pick" who they fall in love with.

enjoy your time with MM. and take care of yourself.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
Wed, 08-27-2003 - 3:35pm
thanks guys, it's good to know there are ppl i can talk to who can understand how i feel and don't want to judge my situation. I know in my heart im not ready to let MM go yet. So i'm going to take it one day at a time, and see how it goes. In the meantime i have him for five weeks, his W left today for a vacation for 5 weeks :)