Here's a poll based on my last musing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Here's a poll based on my last musing...
8
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:19am
Do you have expectations in your EMA? If so, what are they?

I'm just curious...I've always said that my expectations have helped me keep a perspective in my EMA, but entering a different stage/phase of the EMA has me realising I no longer have expectations - those expectations I had at the beginning (mutual trust, respect, ect.) are now certainties for me. With so many different situations and different thinking here, I wonder how everyone else thinks?

Now, my timer has long gone off, so I will take the musing cap off and put my working cap back on - will hopefully check in later. Have a super day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:46am
I am trying not to have many expectations at this point. THis is in the beginning stages; however, I did get my 1st kiss and it was heavenly!! We have both ironically said that we would be honest with each other. Brutal Honesty. I have no idea what I am doing, I just know I have the butterflies that I haven't had in SEVERAL years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:55am
I’d really appreciate your input, I was JUST about to post this as a new topic

Meow, I really appreciate your musing and your perspective. I frequently experience similar thoughts/feelings as you do, probably due to the FWB situation we’re both in. I differ from you in that MM and I have not had “the talk”, we’ve not told each other we are in love, and both of us are struggling to repair marriages.

That being said, I’d like to share my thoughts about not having any expectations (other than mutual respect, openness, etc). I am on the EXACT same page with you about wanting what is best for MM and if that means he stays married, then I hope he and his W live happily ever after. I want to see him TRULY happy, and right now, he is not happy in his marriage – both he and his W have to meet in the middle somewhere or they are headed towards a D fast. So I don’t really expect anything out of this

Meow said “I want what will make him happy - and if that means that by being in an A with him it is enabling him to remain in his marriage, than I'm happy if that's how he's happiest.” I agree with that, too. But since I am not getting a D, I don’t know how long I could keep it up if things continue to improve in my H. In other words, MM wants me happy, too. So if my M improves and I can find happiness there again, I know he would not want or expect me to stay in an A with him, even if that made him happy. And like you, I’ve said it 100 times, this A could end tomorrow, next month, next year, never…I have no expectations either way. We’d both be able to walk away with no regrets and fond memories of what we shared. As long as MM and I stay on the same page about where we are in the R, then ultimately it will all end up ok, even if that means we agree to end it. My gut tells me that our A will end in one of two ways – 1. We get too scared of getting caught and decide it’s no longer worth the risks (we’d lose a multitude or friendships, our spouses, and may be forced to end OUR friendship) or 2. One or both of us find that we are committed to our marriages and are finding happiness in that R again.

I don’t know if I want more or less out of my A with him. A part of me wants to end things because I just don’t see how anything good can come out of this except for our own selfish gratification, pleasure and happiness. A part of me wants a more, but that doesn’t mean expressions of love or promises for a future together – IF that does happen, I’ll deal with it then. What I want more of is the freedom to act and express my feelings as a lover when we are together as lovers – to not be afraid to say something in fear that it would be crossing the friend/lover line. For both of us to be able to say things to each other that lovers say without either of us being afraid that it will affect the way we interact as friends. Does that make sense? (for ex: I LOVE his hair and I LOVE when he calls me Baby – I haven’t told him this because I don’t want him to be freaked out as a friend – I love these things about him when we are lovers, that switch is turned “off” when we are together as friends.

I realized this week that MM and I have “only” been together as lovers 3 times in the last 4 months. (lots of reasons – forced to step back for a while b/c of suspicious spouses, time out of town for business, etc) In the first 3 months of our A, we were together well over a dozen times. IF we get back to that level of intimacy and contact as lovers, then I’ll have “the talk”. Until then, I’m ok with where we stand and don’t have any expectations that what we have will become more.

Now…..will some genius tell me how all of what I just said can be reconciled with my feelings/fantasy that if we fall in love and IF he were to tell me that he loves me and wants to be together with me, that I would be willing to risk the wrath of our friends and spouses and RUN to him and not look back??!?!??!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 11:00am
At first I didn't have any expectations, didn't know this board existed and so I was like a kite flying high and diving at times and didn't know what the heck was going on with my mind, body, heart. Now I definitely have certain expectations. I guess there are different 'phases' of EMAs and I'll post that as a poll later.

Been in EMA for 1 yr now but really 9 mos since MM ran after our first sexual encounter. He has a bad case of guilts even now and now it's his 8-year-old son got baptized (nobody went to church but it's a private school W enrolled him in affiliated w/ a church) and MM says he must now 'live right' for his son. That was Monday. Yesterday I told him I would leave him alone and he said he didn't want me to and wanted to see me. I said no. So now my expectations are if I'm going to be in this EMA/FWB/FWOB first of all (he knows this) I won't share MM w/ any other woman than his W, and MM needs to be more consistent in his feelings, not hot and cold. Sometimes he acts like he has this guard up bc he's afraid of his feelings or something and I'm tired of it. So I sent him a Dear John email and said adios and I don't want to stand in his way of his 'living right' and his off and on again personality. Heck, it's spring, I want to kick my heels up and enjoy life, not sit here depressed and worried bc he has the guilts again and needs his 'space'. I'm tired of being a yo-yo. So those are my expectations (for now ... they could change tomorrow) LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 11:38am
Expectations? Hmmmm....... Respect,admiration, loyalty, and of course earth shattering se*. LOl Have a great day meow.....Hooked
Avatar for babeslvr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 11:53am
ok i have to admit i read everyones post first. but that has no changed my answer. the expectations i have start with respect. then to be open and honest. with he and i being married you have to expect both. and now for the really deep expectation highs and lows. with out the lows i wouldnt be able to enjoy the highs. and for those of you who said sex. well i dont expect it. i find it an added benefit.
Avatar for secrets86
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:58pm
I really can't have any expectations anymore b/c lately so

many things have been happening unexpectedly! The only

thing I expect is honesty and respect to always be a part

of our friendship/relationship, basically.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 1:20pm
I have some sort of expections. I'm not a very demanding or unreasonable person, though. I do expect honesty, trust, sincerity, caring, respect and consideration an integral part of the relationship with my MM. Actually, I think one could say every relationship should have those qualities. I don't demand that he see me a specific amount of times a month, I don't demand that he call me either. We do what we each feel comfortable with and neither of us stands on ceremony. If I feel like calling him just because even though he hasn't called me last, I do it. Sometimes we can schedule getting together at a last moment's notice. I called him last Thurs. around 5 PM to see if he could get out for a while that evening because I had some unexpected free time. Unfortunately, he had a family obligation which he couldn't get out of. This morning, I e-mailed him at work and said I had something related to work which he'd be interested in and asked if he could get free for lunch. He said he had to go offsite for a meeting and inquired about tomorrow. Now, it's my turn to be busy tomorrow so we're meeting for lunch on Tues. instead. We just have to roll with the punches.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 6:06pm
Yes I do have expectations in my EMA. I expect my man to treat me with respect, trust in what I have said and done, and breakdown the walls he has built around himself. He has to learn to trust me, I am willing to work on that, but he must first believe what I say to him, all the time. I am as I appear to be, have no hidden agendas or anyhting. What you see is what you get. That's me. I love him very much and it hurts me sometimes to watch him torture himself with guilt, remorse, anger etc. I cannot do much about it, except tell him that there is not a single bad thought about him in my mind. I am very sincere, open and very honest. This is the list of expectations I have from him at this phase/stage of our relationship.