I am a MM, so here is what I'd expect you to ask of him...
First, consider committing to keep a nickel between your knees tomorrow. KWIM? He's coming over in the midst of an emotional crises; he'll undoubtedly be "needy". If he's serious, he'll come not expecting a roll in the hay.
Second, I would expect my AP to tell me in no uncertain terms, that you need to see some papers, before you think he is going through it. If you want to wait for the formal divorce, that's fine, but let him show you a separation agreement. I am sure plenty of people start the process, only to reconcile. He's not really available, until the D is final, is he? I say that knowing full well that I am trying to work my way to a D and would like to imagine a future with my AP. I've been reminded here on this board that talk is talk, nothing is real until the D is done. Anyone, man or woman, can say anything; let the papers do the talking.
Next, I'd expect you to ask me everything you listed, but all of that stuff is probably relatively easy to work out; what about the relationship questions?
Why should you trust him from this point forward? What's going to keep him "in" your relationship? What's going to keep him from straying? How will you guys manage work - you know being a couple at work is very different from sneaking around at work? How will you feel when this becomes public; will suspicions be confirmed; might they judge you as having broken up his M; how will you guys deal with his XW after she learns that her suspicions were well-founded?
All hard stuff I am sure.
It's good that you all told him "not to rush into anything", but I am curious, why are you willing to rush into it? You have been distant enough from him that you are dating someone else. That says something. I totally get the feelings you have about him being your best friend and soulmate, but has he really treated you like either?
All that said, I am excited that this may work out for you. If you are sure this is what you want, you also don't need to rush it. You guys have been doing this dance for 3 years, even if it takes another 1-2 years, isn't it worth doing it right?
Let me just say one thing -- just because you don't have the paperwork showing you're getting divorced doesn't mean you aren't serious about it.
I don't have anything legal stating that DH and I aren't together anymore. He no longer lives in the home, we only speak through text messaging - and only about the children, and we definitely aren't intimate (and haven't been in a year).
I've told AP/BF that H and I won't be getting back together. That the marriage has been over emotionally for a long time and is now physically over.
Now, I don't know the OP's circumstances, but I'm glad my AP/BF isn't demanding to see paperwork before deciding he'll have anything to do with me. Divorce isn't quick, easy or cheap. I'm glad he's moving forward with our life together without all of my paperwork signed, sealed and delivered.
Dont ask any questions and dont go into anything related to your A and life after A as yet.D is not a one day job.it takes time.dont ask for paper work- very rude if you are wanting any further with this guy.does he have kids? how old?
there are no guarantees in life.if his m didnt work out,its likely that your RS with him may not even work out or it may be the best thing.who knows?but dont ask for any guarantees.no one can say for sure if they will continue to love you,respect you ,trust you etc the way you would want to.dont rely on that.all this was done when he got m as well. plan about later ,later. support him through this d ,rest will follow.any questions,guarantees will fall into talk as he has a long way to go before he can think proper.be prepared thou that he may not even want a RS with you later.
thats the way an A goes.no one can trust each other later if one of them is too insecure or demanding.it can make or break lives so its never a good decision to d while being in an A,it may be the worst decision or best,who knows.
in nut shell, just support and dont ask questions.
I agree,no need to talk now.Be there for him and let him go through the divorce process,support him the best you can.Talking about your future now will worsen things ,believe me.
I have been separated for eighteen months with no chance of a reconciliation. Only last week did we sign our Property settlement agreement, and I filed my divorce papers and will be divorced in eight to ten weeks. I was determined to not involve lawyers, and I did everything exactly as I said I would, and also am happy with the agreement. My point being every story is different, sometimes time in the end makes things better--esp for the children. So this is not about the lover/ap, it is about the end of a marriage, Thorough tout this ordeal my lover has been my greatest source of strength love and wisdom....he has been my rock.
It sounds like things are working out, but you're afraid to completely trust that. I don't blame you there! But I would certainly help him through the process, and hopefully things will work out the way you want them too. There will be bound to be times you need to vent, so vent here any time!
"Why should you trust him from this point forward? What's going to keep him "in" your relationship? What's going to keep him from straying? "
Having read all your posts , I am convinced why your AP is where she is.You are questioning the entire relationship ( A ?).huh? What would you say if your AP asked you these very questions ,irrespective of the extremely bad timing.
K,
I am a MM, so here is what I'd expect you to ask of him...
First, consider committing to keep a nickel between your knees tomorrow. KWIM? He's coming over in the midst of an emotional crises; he'll undoubtedly be "needy". If he's serious, he'll come not expecting a roll in the hay.
Second, I would expect my AP to tell me in no uncertain terms, that you need to see some papers, before you think he is going through it. If you want to wait for the formal divorce, that's fine, but let him show you a separation agreement. I am sure plenty of people start the process, only to reconcile. He's not really available, until the D is final, is he? I say that knowing full well that I am trying to work my way to a D and would like to imagine a future with my AP. I've been reminded here on this board that talk is talk, nothing is real until the D is done. Anyone, man or woman, can say anything; let the papers do the talking.
Next, I'd expect you to ask me everything you listed, but all of that stuff is probably relatively easy to work out; what about the relationship questions?
Why should you trust him from this point forward?
What's going to keep him "in" your relationship?
What's going to keep him from straying?
How will you guys manage work - you know being a couple at work is very different from sneaking around at work?
How will you feel when this becomes public; will suspicions be confirmed; might they judge you as having broken up his M; how will you guys deal with his XW after she learns that her suspicions were well-founded?
All hard stuff I am sure.
It's good that you all told him "not to rush into anything", but I am curious, why are you willing to rush into it? You have been distant enough from him that you are dating someone else. That says something. I totally get the feelings you have about him being your best friend and soulmate, but has he really treated you like either?
All that said, I am excited that this may work out for you. If you are sure this is what you want, you also don't need to rush it. You guys have been doing this dance for 3 years, even if it takes another 1-2 years, isn't it worth doing it right?
Good luck,
MPV
Edited 4/17/2010 4:50 pm ET by malepov
Edited 4/17/2010 4:51 pm ET by malepov
I wouldn't ask him anything or engage in
Let me just say one thing -- just because you don't have the paperwork showing you're getting divorced doesn't mean you aren't serious about it.
I don't have anything legal stating that DH and I aren't together anymore. He no longer lives in the home, we only speak through text messaging - and only about the children, and we definitely aren't intimate (and haven't been in a year).
I've told AP/BF that H and I won't be getting back together. That the marriage has been over emotionally for a long time and is now physically over.
Now, I don't know the OP's circumstances, but I'm glad my AP/BF isn't demanding to see paperwork before deciding he'll have anything to do with me. Divorce isn't quick, easy or cheap. I'm glad he's moving forward with our life together without all of my paperwork signed, sealed and delivered.
Dont ask any questions and dont go into anything related to your A and life after A as yet.D is not a one day job.it takes time.dont ask for paper work- very rude if you are wanting any further with this guy.does he have kids? how old?
there are no guarantees in life.if his m didnt work out,its likely that your RS with him may not even work out or it may be the best thing.who knows?but dont ask for any guarantees.no one can say for sure if they will continue to love you,respect you ,trust you etc the way you would want to.dont rely on that.all this was done when he got m as well.
plan about later ,later. support him through this d ,rest will follow.any questions,guarantees will fall into talk as he has a long way to go before he can think proper.be prepared thou that he may not even want a RS with you later.
thats the way an A goes.no one can trust each other later if one of them is too insecure or demanding.it can make or break lives so its never a good decision to d while being in an A,it may be the worst decision or best,who knows.
in nut shell, just support and dont ask questions.
Thank you all.
Thorough tout this ordeal my lover has been my greatest source of strength love and wisdom....he has been my rock.
Proud to be a
You've
"Why should you trust him from this point forward?
What's going to keep him "in" your relationship?
What's going to keep him from straying? "
Having read all your posts , I am convinced why your AP is where she is.You are questioning the entire relationship ( A ?).huh? What would you say if your AP asked you these very questions ,irrespective of the extremely bad timing.
Hi konline, Sounds like in a similar situation (see my post MM's W moving out sooner than expected).
It's scary and exciting all at the same time.