He's hot and he's cold!!!

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
He's hot and he's cold!!!
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 5:51pm
My AP confuses the hell out of me, one day he's saying that this is a no strings attached A, the next day he's telling me how much he likes me and loves how we have connected... The past few days he was saying all these mushy things to me, we had sex on wed.. Great sex by the way and now for the last two days he's hardly said a word to me other then a text here and there... This coming from a man that used to text me constantly...

Going into this I knew its was and is supposed to be no strings attatched, therefore I have been very guarded and I'm trying really hard not to get myself emotionally involved because I don't want to get hurt and I know that he is not going to leave his W.. but whether he realizes it or not he's playing with my head.. Why tell someone no strings and then turn around and say I really like you and lay with you in bed for hours cuddling with you ????? I just don't get this guy... Problem is I do sort of like him but since it's supposed to be a NS thing, I have felt that it's best to keep that to myself rather then bring it up and make things complicated..

Sigh; maybe I'm just not cut out for this A stuff.. Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't be better off being lonely in my marriage rather being in an A with someone who plays head games with me...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 8:27pm

I think a lot of guys are like that in As.  I'm not sure why.  Part of it is a control thing (whether they realize it or not).  By keeping you off balance, they keep you wanting more.  Plus, they have carte blanche then to follow whatever whim they feel.  Feeling happy and lovey?  They can share those warm, fuzzy feelings.  Feeling tired or guilty?  Then cut off contact and stop trying for a while.  Most people have to learn how to regulate those feelings, but he doesn't have to.  I'm sure it is much easier than a regular R in that way.  It made me mad when one of my XAPs acted that way.  I felt like I wasn't important enough for him to spend the energy to try and be more consistent to me.  Eventually I stopped talking to him because I got sick of the vascillating! I know it is hard, though, when you care about somebody and It is a shame they can't make more of an effort to be balanced.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sun, 09-16-2012 - 2:08pm

It sounds like you might already be getting emotionally involved or his mixed signals wouldn't be bothering you.  Would you rather have more of a connection with AP or have it NS?

I don't necessarily think he's playing games intentionally.  If he's starting to think about you when you're not together and liking you, he's probably just as unsure what to do about it since you've both agreed to NS from the beginning.  My xAP used to apologize after sharing his feelings for me.  He didn't want to string me along in any way or change the whole dynamic of the A, and I think he also felt guilty loving me when he was supposed to be in love with his SO.  We both also felt like we were betraying each other in a sense by developing feelings we'd agreed not to have & had to learn to trust that the other wasn't going to get all nutty over it.

It took a LOT of communication and re-evaluating what we wanted the A to be.  If you're not having/wanting an emotional connection with this man, I personally would bail.  It's a lot of work to deal with an A that's become an EA, too.  It sounds like he could be struggling with it becoming that for him, and if either of you don't want to go down that road, I'd walk away before it gets more complicated.