He's not speaking to me
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| Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:57am |
The next morning I woke up at his apt and he was WAY on the other side of the bed. He asked me if I remembered what happened the night before. I remembered some. Anyway, it turned into a discussion and I sincerely apologized. After that he was still mad at me and totally ignoring me, although he said he was never mad, just hurt. That made me really angry so I yelled "I apologized so GET OVER IT!" Of course, that didn't help matters any. Now, it is already Friday and he is still ignoring me. He didn't come over last night for the first time since we started seeing each other. I was so lonesome and depressed I let my one year old sleep with me and he's always wacking me in the head. I don't know what to do, I apologized? What can I possibly do now? Kiss his feet...yah right!
Now he is telling me he has "issues" with my drinking. Hello, I told him I was a drunk before we hooked up! (I'm not really a drunk, just a 24 year old who missed out on years of partying because I married at 18 and now I am making up for it on the nights I don't have my kids!) To top it off he hasn't seen his kids in almost two weeks now. Ever since the fight I got into with his ex (the one she started by jumping me) she hasn't let him see his kids. He can't see them until he breaks it off with me...according to her. She is totally blackmailing him and for the sake of his kids I think he is falling for it. It's so unfair to me. I don't know if he is pushing me away for that reason or what.
I don't know what to do. It is consuming my every thought today, I can't concentrate....I can't work. I haven't gotten a thing done today. My H (stbX) called me today and asked me how things were going in my new R. I started crying. He told me he missed me and would take me back in a minute. I don't want to go back because I enjoy the life I have now (plus what would everyone say?!) but I do miss him too and I feel like I am destroying my kids by doing this. I have never been so lost in my life. I have always been the most responsible person. Now, I don't have my rent money, my car payment is almost a month late, I have not paid ANY credit cards, I started dancing for extra cash, I am drinking excessively when I don't have my kids, I am getting into fights (even though she started it).....WHAT AM I DOING?! CAN I POSSIBLY BE HAVING A MID LIFE CRISIS AT 24?! A QUARTER LIFE CRISIS, MAYBE?! MY MOTHER IS PROBABLY ROLLING OVER IN HER GRAVE! Maybe I need to go see a psychiatrist or something.....any words of advice? Encouragement? Anything?

I think you have some growing up to do. I understand you feel like you missed out on something when you were young. I got engaged and married young also. But you can't recapture youth and going out and getting drunk is nothing more than an excuse to act like a child in my opinion. And the fact that you literally got into a fight with his ex is a little sad. I know she started the fight, but I can't even begin to imagine a world where my OW and my W would physically fight.
You're 24 and you've got kids and are separated. That's fine if you're doing it for the right reasons. Maybe you shouldn't have gotten married so young. Your H clearly loves you but do you love him? It sounds to me like you and the MM have a very shaky R and I can't imagine anyone I love treating me the way you did him. Maybe he doesn't show his love for you the right way either, but that doesn't mean you should do something so cruel. Again, I know alcohol played a factor, but to me that is nothing more than a weak excuse. If you choose to get drunk, you are responsible for your behavior.
I just re-read your post and I know you acknowledge your bad behavior at the bottom. That is a step in the right direction. Now you need to stop the bad behavior. No more excessive drinking, no more fighting, and no more playing games to make someone jealous. You need to set an example for your children, whether you try to save your M or not. Honestly I think you need some time to yourself to decide. At least get some counseling because I don't feel you're thinking before you act. You need to really decide what you want in your life and decide how best to accomplish that. You seem to genuinely feel bad about how you've behaved so I know you can turn things around. If you start to feel like doing something you know will lead to bad things, just think about your kids. They will give you strength. I wish you all the luck in the world.