He's talking divorce..???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
He's talking divorce..???
13
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 5:16pm
So my MM and I are going on a year and some change. Both have expressed genuine love and he says he knows he's with the wrong woman BUT they have kids and a seperation from the 2 boys is an 'impossible decision'...but after I ended things he came back and said being without me is an impossibility also. He is 33 and had never cheated on anyone, not even gf's way back. Said he thought you got married and that was it. But he says I'm his soulmate and we're perfect for each other. Says he is confused because marriage is crumbling--but he wonders if it's cause he's MAKING it that way or is it really that bad. All of his friends (even ones that like his wife) say that the marriage is doomed and it's a matter of time. I told him I will not remain being pushed to last place all the time---and he agrees. He's never led me on, saying he'll leave at a certain date.

What he IS saying as of yesterday is that his youngest sons Bday is January 14th. All the family on both sides are throwing a big party. After holidays and that party he is going to sit her down and discuss a plan of action. Je says he WANTS to be with me and doesn't think his wife is happy either...he is going to confront her and ask what she wants, is SHE happy, where does she see things going. He thinks she's just as miserable. He is honest and says he hopes it's amicable so he won't feel and look like the 'abandoner'. BUT he is also honest and says if she wants to WORK at it and get counseling that he will give it his all for the sake of his children. I told him that MY wnat was of course to be with him for the rest of my life BUT what I want more then that is for him to be happy and if that entails him working out his marriage and being with his kids then I fully support it.

Here's my question: DO I remain by his side until that day in January and then see what happens or would it be smarter to have NC until that day. There's a part of me that wants him to see what life would be like without me--even though it's only 3 weeks---BUT I also want to prepare myself for the outcome I really fear, him staying.

Opinions please on how to conduct myself.....

One friend say be there and SHOW him how serious I am about bein with him.....one friend says do a "takeaway" so he misses me....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 7:28pm
livin,

If you both love each other genuinely why the talk about the if it is "smart" to have NC or not ? Have you heard that people in love are "fools"? He seems to already know what he wants to do - why do the "takeaway" - what are you exactly trying to prove?? Something to think about. Anyway, Happy Holidays to you and yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 2:32am
I'm in a similar situation...here my link to my post : http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmyaffair&msg=34312.1&ctx=0


Anyway...I've been standing by my MM side, but we havent been physical during his seperation. I want him to do what's best for him, regardless of what my feelings are for him. I want him to be able to make up his own mind, without him hanging on my last word. I want him to be able to come to me with an open and open heart. I don't want all the emotional problems that come along with his divorce. I do believe that everything happenes for a reason...but I dont want to be the reason he leaves his wife. Don't misunderstand me, I do want to be with him, but only if he's emotionally stable. I wouldnt ever want him to regret leaving his wife at a later date. So, I told him to make SURE that he thinks LONG and HARD about whatever choices he makes and NOT to keep me in mind while doing it. I've been keeping my distance from my MM so he can think for himself, not because I want him to wonder what life is like without me, because I want him to be sure of his own actions. Even after he gets his legal seperation, I want him to take sometime for himself, I dont want to be a re-bound. If we are ment to be together, it will happened...

To answer your question... I would give your MM space and time to think for himself, not make him wonder what life is like without you, it just adds extra stress on your relationship with him. Wouldnt you rather have him come to you without any regrets? I would. I would want him to come to me with a free mind, body and soul.

Good Luck :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 12:16pm
What would I do? I would KISS him. Smooch him unconcious. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 11:32pm
its so hard to say what to do, i have been with my MM for 3 years. during that three years he has remainded married. and this last year he has seperated from his wife yet is still married. he is supposedly talking finalizing divorce this january. i cant say what made me wait so long for this man. other than being married he has treated me like a goddess. he is so good to me. i am so in love with him. maybe i have been so patient because nothing better has come my way. maybe because i felt i could not possibly find another man like him out there. he voluntarily takes me to chick flicks and holds me when i cry, he shops with me, loves to help me pick out outfits. will suffer through a theatre production if thats what i want to see. but i think he secretly enjoys it. he worships my mind, and is supportive of all my goals...to the point of payign for any class i want to take or helping gather information on anything i may want to learn about. helped me pay to send my son to summer camp.

i can only say follow your heart. there may or may not be a future there. only you will know when that times comes to end it. i have tried at times to do the NC thing. and it simply doesnt work. i miss him, i go nuts not talkign to him, hearing his voice as the last thing before i go to sleep. i break down, call him, tell him how much i miss him. and although some of my tantrums have convinced him to move forward with plans for our future. i cant say it is directly the result of my threats and tears. its simply thats what hes ready to do.

somehere on the board have no desire to dream of a future with their MM. for them it maybe to scary, or hopeless, or unrealistic. i guess i just havent hit that wall yet. i also am scared, but i have hope. and lots of love.

best of luck to you, follow your heart, but listen to your head. just keep in mind the different ways this could play out, it may not be the way you intended.

laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 8:51am
Games are never a good idea...

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 10:08am
THAT was the answer/advice I was looking for....I guess there really is no 'right' answer other then to listen to your heart. Everything within me and within my heart believes that he loves me and wants nothing more then to be with me. And I want nothing more then to spend my life with my best friend---but he is so amazing that I don't believe he could leave his boys like that, no matter how happy we'd be together.

I think that eventually they will divorce as neither are 'happy'...just together for the kids. And I have to grapple with actually wanting to persuade someone to leave a family behind so I can be happy...it's turmoil as I have never been one to EVER go after MM or even one with a GF. We truly are perfect for each other. I also know kids deserve both parents...and if I thought they'd be happy together I would walk away I think--but I know it's a doomed marriage, has been for a long time. It's just how long and will the waiting kill my heart? Sometimes I think I could change my phone number and move and never see him again, just disappear from his life and leave him alone. But then I can't see a future without him in it someway.

At what point do you walk away from a marriage?

At what point do I walk away from the man of my dreams and the ultimate friendship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 10:44am
I was discussing the very same question - when is enough really enough with a friend of mine yesterday - no, not a great topic for conversation on Christmas Day. We had these opposing points of view on marriage and what is the line that you draw and when you think its over. I guess we had different points of view and it got me thinking about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 1:48pm
I can answer one of your questions...

It's time to walk away when the negatives outweigh the positives then it's time to end it. When the EMA is causing you more unhappy times, rather then joyful times.

Good Luck :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 3:37pm
WAAH, you didn't like my answer???? :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 4:33pm
I'll add an addendum to your wonderful answer: In either instance, a marriage or an affair, when you've lost sight of yourself. When you've become a shadow of your former self, then it's time to go.

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