Hey Meow..,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Hey Meow..,
3
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 3:29pm
Not sure how to reply to people's post but just wanted to say that I really liked your response to having a future w/ MM after the A. I'm in the very beginning stages and though I would love to spend time with him now, I'm trying my hardest to keep my distance until he figures out what he wants to do with his M. One thing that struck me is to not let the "public" know the relationship started out as an A. I really don't know what road I am going down but part of me wants to try to be friends with him because I know he loves my company and it makes both of us feel good but I think the best thing to do is give him space. How do you find a balance??? I still have no idea what I should do if I want a future with him. Thanks, you have a good way at expressing your opinion :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ihope4thebest
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 10:44pm
Hi Hope4 - Well, I read your latest update too!

If it were me, and my MM was going to D, I would want our relationship to remain status quo (physical, emotional, friendship). We don't email, instant msg., voice mail, and aren't alone frequently. For us, this works - helps us keep a balance (we're both busy with other things in our lives right now, and also if we were to see each other or email, etc. frequently the spark would probably burn bright, brighter and brightest until Bang! it's burned-out). It also allows us our own space - I think we'd both get claustrophobic otherwise since our spouses are controlling.

But, we are friends too, and know each other's spouses - we don't normally talk about our M's (partly because it's a way of keeping our EMA about US, and partly because I don't want to become too emotionally dependant upon MM while D'ing) - though we know the other is there if we do want to talk about it.

Yup, I would consider a future with MM, but I don't want to fill the void his W has left *if* he D's. By the same token, I don't want him to fill the void my disolved M has left. Well, o.k. we are in some respects filling voids right now, but I don't want to be a "replacement" for W and vice-versa.

I don't know my path yet either - the way I feel right now, I will still want to continue the EMA after I am D'ed - but things and people change, so who knows? This is why I haven't made any promises to him, nor asked for any - and he's not offered or asked for any. Honestly we wouldn't be free to make promises unless we were both on the other side of D and sure of what we wanted.

If it were me, I would take it one step at a time (which it sounds you are doing). I'd ask him to let me know when he wants space, and let him know I'm there for him too. I've always said open & honest communication is best.

Now, hon, I do want to add some "tough love" - from what I've read on this board in the months I've been here - the MM does not always leave the M, even after confronting the W for various reasons (feels responsible, guilty, W or he decides to work on M, children, etc). And, if he does, it can take time - maybe more than a month. D takes time too; but in the interim, if you have that open & honest communication, mutual trust & respect, and both your & MM's expectations are being met, you're on the same page, etc., then you are both maintining Your relationship.

That's just my opinion - maybe not what others would think or do. Maybe someone else will respond with another view.

And thanks, Hope4, for your nice words about my post. Good luck - I hope you keep us updated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ihope4thebest
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 10:54pm
Oh, and by the way: to respond to a post that you are reading, just click on the grey box (directly below post) that reads "POST YOUR REPLY" - and when you've written your response, previewed it and posted it, TaDaa - it will appear below the original post, and that post will "float" to the top of the current day's post. Hope that makes sense!


Edited 3/28/2003 11:57:00 PM ET by hes_my_cats_meow
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ihope4thebest
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 5:51am
Thanks Meow again for your words of wisdom. And for the warning... I do realize that his W might fight the divorce and convince him to stay. Though that is something I haven't discussed with him. I also know that if he goes through the D it will not be an easy road for us. He has a ton to go through. I just hope I can be there enough for him without getting in the way. I think the best thing to do is give him space but he really wants me around and I'd feel bad if I walk away right now. It also worries me that we really haven't established a "relationship" so I have no idea if it could last through this. I guess that is good and bad so there's not as much invested into this as well. We both know that we still need time to get to know each other but it will be a lot easier for me to open up if he wasn't in his M.

Wow, I'm up way too early, have a busy day today so hopefully I can get my mind off of this at least for the day...