Hey Red!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Hey Red!
2
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 12:11pm
Red, I just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing. I haven't been on the boards for the past few days. After I read you response the other day to my update...I got to thinking about you talking about your xMM. I don't really know much about your situation and I would like to have you fill me in. I haven't been on the boards for very long, but I do know that you said he is xMM and that your H knows about the A. But other than that I am clueless!!

I really appreciate what you said the other day and I've done just what you suggested. I know that I told you on Friday he talked to me all day. Well, Monday morning began the same way. I usually go by his room and take the paper, I didn't. When my first class came I sent it to him thru a student. He logged onto the computer but the specialist in his subject was in there all day so we didn't have the opportunity to talk. At noon he came and stood outside my door and made faces at me and said "SMILE" then thanked me for sending the paper. Later in the afternoon we talked some. Tuesday, we talked ALL morning just about general stuff, but he was very happy, flirting with sexual overtones. I just ignored them and didn't play back. Changing the subject when stuff came up that were of a sexual nature. I had a sore spot in my head that was making me have a headache and I told him this and he said "rubbing that headboard" I just said "yeah, that must be it, I guess I didn't notice....." blah blah, and he said he thought I needed to change beds....this was the kind of thing that went on all day. Wednesday, (last day before he takes off to rodeo for 4 days) I met him on my road before school, he tried to run me off, I realize he is going to pick up his D, so this obviously means W is away. It just hit me again, the FURY. But I controlled it! HURRAY!! I didn't see him until 9:30 and when I did, he stepped away from his group of teachers and smiled at me and I just gave him a fake one back. I had been trying all morning before seeing him to calm down and to get the hurt out of my heart. I thought I had managed. I thought about everything that I hadn't gotten out of the relationship....even the fact that he has not asked me once about how my dad is doing, anything that deals with MY LIFE, it's all about HIM!! Anyway, when I logged on, which was about 3 minutes later(ha ha) he came right on and said "hey" I asked him what? and he said "is your dad not doing very well?" I told him about that, short and to the point....then he asked me "everything ok at home?" and I said the same as usual, nothing differnt there.....I asked him "everything ok at your house?" (cause I assumed since NC they are) and he just said Ha, then he asked me "ok, whats up, something is definately bothering you)..........all of this from meeting me on the road and me passing him in the hall......I just told him that it was nothing, just stuff, didn't sleep well and when I don't sleep I THINK. After I tell him this we talk non-stop for the next 1 1/2 hours. He unloads about his son, his wife is gone and he is very sick....his in-laws are mad at him and they all have a big blow up......this followed by flirting and the general tone with his is like old times when the A was in full force...........I talk to him, Red but the entire time my heart is breaking because he still has not acknowledged me blowing up at him the week before. I didn't really expect him to say alot but I did expect him to at least acknowledge that I did it. Like maybe he hated that I felt as bad as I do towards him. Red, it was all I can do these past few days to sit and "CHAT" with him like none of this ever happened and we are the best of friends. It seems crazy behavior to me. If someone had said the things to me like I said to him, I think I would be avoiding them at all costs. Instead he is seeking me out. He told me that his W is out of town and that he is happy that she is gone. I just said "yeah right". I know there is no love lost there. I am sure in his heart he does love her but I know that she isn't a good person and this bugs the crap out of him. I told him that it was none of my business but in my opinion nothing is more important that your children and especially when they are sick. What could be more important than that........his answer was "subject change"....... he is sooo mad at her for doing this. I have been reading some books lately on this subject and other articles and all of them say, men don't spend time talking to a woman they aren't interested in. I mean how can we go back to being friends after so much has been exchanged between us? Do you think that is possible??? My heart hurts and I just wish in some ways that he would just leave me alone if he has no intentions. He told me in our last talk that the sex was just an added bonus, that he thought we had so much more than that, he enjoys spending time with me and simply just being around me. But that is very hard for me the way things are, it's like I either have to be satisfied to have him in my life as a friend or not at all. And I guess there is a major part of me that thinks......well if we keep talking like this then it will bring us closer together.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. Please let me know how you are and please fill me in on your situation and how you are handling the NC with xMM. I'm counting down the days to school being out..........I wonder what my summer will bring me????

Thanks

Kitty

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: tomcat8132004
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 10:40pm
Kitty,

I wanted to respond sooner, but I have to be careful now. My heart is here, and definitely with all of you, but I cannot hurt my husband any longer.

He does know about my A, he also knows about this board, and he knows my "nick-name". I'm pretty sure that he has read my posts. I have been very upfront with him about my relationship with xMM, and this board and all of my friend here, because I have been told that in the healing process, there can be "no secrets".

However, I'm sure it must be very hurtful to him to see all of my feelings laid out in words. For all I know, he may read this, and for that I'm sorry, but this is my place to be and if he happens to read something that he doesn't want to hear, then, he shouldn't be reading it. This is my journal or diary, so to speak.

Anyway Kitty, you know that I'm in your corner. I feel your pain. I don't have much advice for you at this point, but I think you are right in keeping the distance. Be a friend. I totally understand your point that the frienshhip is the hardest thing to lose.

I feel like I've lost the best friend I've ever had since my husband. This person (and honey, I'm sorry if you're are reading this) knows so much more about me than anybody else. I think the reason for that is that, I've grown and come to recognize the person that I am know because of xMM. During that growth period, I confided and expressed feelings that I never even knew I had. It is very hard to let go of that.

Kitty, I realize that you may not know much about my story. In a nutshell, we were co-workers for approximately 1 year when I was offered a position with another company. It was an opportunity that I couldn't pass up. xMM and I had a wonderful friendship during our working relationship that never crossed the line - we flirted and talked daily, but that was it. We definitely had a connection, but neither one of us mentioned it out loud - we stayed in the "safe zone" - and I can't say for sure, but if I had continued working there, we probably never would have ended up in this place.

It wasn't until I was leaving that company, that I realized how much I would miss xMM. I always knew that I had strong feelings for him, but, I wasn't willing to risk a 15 year marriage (20 year relationship) for an infatuation. I also wasn't willing to leave without letting xMM how much he meant to me, and the difference I felt that he had made in my life. So, I wrote him a letter. I guess you could say, that was the beginning of the end.

I will never forget what I had with xMM. This man made me feel something that I haven't felt since I was 17 years old. I do love him, and I always will (again Honey, I'm sorry, but you already know this). I am committed to making my marriage work. Whether the fact that xMM called this off, or that I would have come to this realization myself, I will never know. The fact is, we both (xMM and I) have made vows to people that love us, people we can count on, and people that will always be there for us. On top of that, we love them as well, and we cannot imagine causing them the pain of walking away for the unkown. This is a selfish way of looking at the situation, I know that, but we are where we belong - for better or for worse.

Right now, my husband and I are going through the worse. xMM may be going through the worse as well, but since his wife has no idea, it may be a little easier for him (maybe not, but I can only assume).

Kitty, I wish only the best for you. I don't know what to say, other than, make sure you never lose sight of who you are. You know in your own heart, what is best for you. Follow that!! If it turns out that you will never be more than very special friends, then, at least you have that.

With us (xMM and me) turning our situation into a full-blown A, we have lost not only, something that we never thought we would have, but also a geat friendship. For that, I am truly sorry. I cannot imagine not having him in my life, but that is the way it has to be for us. We have our memories, and we have to live with that.

I feel fortunate that I have had the two greatest loves in my life (H and xMM) and I can only hope that my husband and I can get back to a point where we both feel confident in our relationship together.

I don't know if this helps you or not, but I want you to know that I am thinking about you and that I care. Everything happens for a reason!

Take care Kitty

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
In reply to: tomcat8132004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 11:18am
Red,

Thank you so much for responding. I am sorry if you doing so causes trouble at home. As you probably know by now, my H had many A's and I realize that it takes much to repair that breech of trust once it has been found out. I wanted so badly to repair the marriage, but it just didn't work out the way I wanted it to altho we are still married and still working on reaching some sort of "place" we can live with. It's so crazy for me now because I do truly see both sides of the situation and I can tell you neither one has been pleasant.

As for MM and I. We are chatting as I am writing this. We have been chatting non-stop since my blow up and still no acknowledgement of it at all. I am just living out the next 15 days and hope that the summer break will give me renewed strength for the next school year! I will try to be his friend but it will be hard. I know now why all the books say the best thing is a clean break. Altho MM and I have talked about this in the past we always ended up talking to each other, so I guess that is inevitable. I know things are bad for him at home right now, and I will try to offer objective advice when asked.

You are right, this is a great place to come to be able just to unload all that is on our minds and hearts. OOOKKK, break break....he just IM'd me that I look very nice today! Flirt Alert!! ok, back to what I was talking about. I have tried to keep a journal, which my H found and read.....which since I hadn't offered was a total feeling of invasion of my privacy........... so now anything I write, I keep totally out of his path. It feels much better to be able to express what you are feeling on paper. I had several notebooks and the hardest thing I ever did was to burn them. I hadn't read them, knew that I never probably would, but they were just my personal expressions of all the pain I had been through....of course somewhere along the way, I tried not to focus so much on "what had been done to me" so I started righting about what I was doing, that was a big MISTAKE!!!!! ha ha

Anyway, thank you so much for the advice. I am thinking of you and praying for you. Take care and many hugs.

Love you

Kitty