Hi all, new here and needing advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Hi all, new here and needing advice.
2
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 10:58am
Hello to everyone! Okay, here's my story. I apologize if it turns out to be a bit lengthy. I have been best friends with my MM for 6 years. We're both very young. He's 21 and I am nearly 20. He was interested in me for 4 years, but we never dated. Anyway, he got married a little less than 2 years ago to a girl that I went to high school with. I had a hard time with it, but at the time I didn't realize my true feelings for him so I didn't understand why. I thought that I just felt that she wasn't good enough for him (which I still feel). She and I used to be good friends, but as time went on, we stopped talking so much and by the time they were married, we rarely kept in contact. I still talk to her occasionally, but not often. He and she moved across the country for his career, and I was only able to contact him (as friends) through phone and e-mail. However, during late 2002, he came to visit his family and he told me he'd regretting marrying his W and that he was still interested in me. We shared a few kisses, but I felt guilty enough for that so I refused to do anything else. He went back home and I didn't see him anymore until last December, but I still kept in contact with him. Now here's where things get interesting. When he came to visit a few months ago, we began an affair. His wife was increasingly jealous of me, even though nothing had been previously going on. He came to visit me, and we ended up at a hotel that night. It went on from there. I found us meeting up with one another at least twice a week to have our "encounters" (he was visiting for a month). The whole time, he was telling me how he'd been in love with me all this time and that he wants to be with me and not her. I have never known him to lie about anything, and I have no reason to disbelieve him except this: he has made no effort to leave her. He says that right now he's financially unable to leave, but that he would if he could. He's told me numerous times that he wants to marry me, and even promised that we'd eventually be together, if only I would give it time and wait for him. It's hard now that he's so far away again and I probably won't see him for months. Everything makes me think of him. He still calls me sometimes and e-mails me, and I usually talk to him once or twice a week, but the W is usually around (she's very controlling and gives him little privacy) so not much is said about "us". He's still saying that he loves me, but as I said, he's not made any effort to do anything about it. I hate myself because I had my chance with him before and passed it up. Now I think that I have really fallen in love with this man, and it's all I can do to keep from hopping on a plane and moving out there to be near him. I don't know what to do. This is interfering with every aspect of my life, as I cannot think of anything else. I told him that if he didn't want to leave, that was fine, but he needed to let me know so that I could move on with my life. This is so unlike me; I've never done anything like this. Now I'm sucked in, and I don't know how to get out, or even if I want to. What should I do? Does it seem like he's being sincere in his feelings for me? I don't know who to turn to. A mutual friend of ours knows our situation and he thinks that we really will end up together. He told me that if he felt otherwise he would be honest with me about it because he would want me to be able to move on with my life. So now I guess I'm just searching for an unbiased opinion by someone who won't judge, and who doesn't know either of us. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 11:34am

Missy, welcome to the board.

~Flirty~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 4:16pm
Thanks for the welcome :) Yeah, I guess it's true that no one can really judge his sincereity without knowing him. I guess I just wanted reassurance or something. It's comforting to know that you got the impression that he is.

As for me, I'm single at the moment. I've never been married or had any children. I have thought about those questions, and some of them I'm still unsure of. I know that I really do care for him. I love him, and that's the one thing that I am sure about. I feel that it's worth it, but it's just so hard. I guess you and everyone else on the board knows that though, so I'm just preaching to the choir. lol I'm not sure whether he's being honest or not. To begin with I was positive, but I guess the distance forces me to wonder. He first told me that he probably wouldn't be able to leave her for at least another 2 or 3 years (that would give him time to put back some money and move up in his personal career), but then he sent me a huge e-mail one day saying that he didn't think it would be that long because he couldn't wait to be with me.

Basicly, I think the main problem with he and his W is that they based their marriage mostly on sex, and now he realizes that there's more to love than that. He was forced to learn that and kind of grow up about it all at once. I'd like to think that he and she don't share the same connection that he and I share.

I don't mind waiting for him, as long as I feel that I'm not waiting in vain for something that's never going to happen. I would do absolutely anything in the world for this man, including wait indefinately. He told me that he was sorry for putting me through it, because he can't imagine how I feel having to totally rely on him, and he told me that he understood if I decided not to pursue this. But it's all that I want.

Anyway, thanks again for your reply. You don't know how relieved I am to find this message board. The last 4 or 5 months have easily been the hardest of my life and it's good to have a safe haven to talk about it. :)