Hi everyone

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Hi everyone
9
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 12:32pm
I finally got the courage to post. After reading some of the other posts, I saw that this is is nice place, filled with nice, supporting people. I was afraid I'd be judged, but I see that there many others like me out there. I'm not proud of who I am, but it's nice to meet people whom I can relate to.

My story: Five years ago I met this younger guy online. I was 24 and he had just turned 18. We were just chat buddies until we decided to meet in person. That's when our affair began. We "saw" each other for about 9 months, and ended it when I found out my husband was having an affair with my best friend. Basically we just came clean about our affairs and decided to make things work. We'd been married 5 years at the time.

A few months ago, my OM from 5 years ago, came back into my life. We "bumped" into each other online again, after much of his insistance, we decided to meet again. We've been seeing each other again for several weeks. I'm having mixed feelings about this, since it's not the way it was the first time. Back then we didn't share emotions, it was just sex and we saw each other when we could, but this time around we've developed feelings for each other. He feels that if after 5 years there's still something there, it's for a reason.

He's not entirely single, since he has a girlfriend whom he's not in love with, but she's pregnant with his baby (or so they think, since they weren't really exclusive). We see each other once or twice a week, and when we do it's just awesome.

I like him very much, and I care deeply for him, and he says he loves me. I'm still very much in love with my husband and cannot imagine my life without him, but I don't want to end the affair. I've been looking for reasons to hate the OM, so I can have a reason to end it, but I can't find any... I'm very afraid of my H finding out since I'm sure he will not let this one go.

Anyone else in this situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
In reply to: crazy4bk
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 1:45pm
hi crazy4bk and welcome to the board! honey, lots of us are in your position. but you are alone in YOUR M and A. you made a choice to restart the A after "bumping" into OM online and then meeting him in person. so obviously your M isn't as strong as it should be and even though you love your H, you are willing to risk your M and life with H for another man. again! so, it comes down to you makinge the right choice for you -- stay in your M and commit 100% of your attention, effort, love to H, or stay in the A and split your attention, effort and love between 2 men. you know it's hard to do either R (M and A) justice that way. you've tried it before. how did that work out for you? not well...

so there is no advice here. YOU have to figure out where you want to go with your future. you and H gave the M another chance and now you've thrown that chance out the window. i'm really not trying to be harsh, just realistic. and so should you.

if you want to save your M, then end the A, now. if you want your H to figure out that the A is distracting you and thus end your M, stay in the A. it's your choice! think about what you want and then do it.

good luck,

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
In reply to: crazy4bk
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:36am
Well, I wasn't looking for advice, but thanks for your response and for the welcome.

I know that this may be hard for some of you to understand, but for others it's very simple, because they happen to be in the same situation. My DH and I have a good marriage. In fact, it's so good that I have more issues with my OM than with him. Maybe I'm bored with my life, but that's nothing critical. As my DH has gotten older (though he's only in his mid 30's), he's become a bit laid back. He's not interested in doing anything fun, and I, on the other hand, still feel very young and energetic. That frustrates me. I have tried for years to explain that to him, but still, he won't make a change.

With my OM, I get to have all the fun I wish I had with my DH. It doesn't take anything away from our marriage. Instead, it makes me happy and I don't nag my DH as much as I used to.


Edited 5/5/2004 8:45 am ET ET by crazy4bk

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
In reply to: crazy4bk
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 2:47pm
hey crazy, totally not judging or critizing you, girl! i've got my own A issues to deal with. i too have a decent marriage and a good man. so why are we seeing someone outside our Ms?? why the A?? there are tons of reasons, just as there are tons of As.

however, i do know that if your M continues its downhill slide with your H insofar as not doing anything fun, and he's only in his mid-30s now, believe me, it only gets worse the older you both get. and as time goes on, you'll become indifferent to anything H wants to do with you anyway.

so you're probably right on, you are bored in your M so you're looking for fun and excitement outside your M with OM. i think that's why most of us are here on this board -- that fun and excitement we can't get at home!!

if only these Hs and i'm sure plenty of Ws out there) would listen and take some action, there would be many, many less As going on.

jmo --

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
In reply to: crazy4bk
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 3:20pm
Hi life,

I didn't feel judged, just misunderstood =)

crazy4bk

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
In reply to: crazy4bk
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 3:24pm
awww, i'm sorry! i just felt you were exploring some issues with your M. and i've BTDT. anyway, glad we're on the same page (and board!!). take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
In reply to: crazy4bk
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 4:14pm
No problem =) It's really nice to be able to discuss this matter with people who understand. These are things we can't really talk about with family or friends without being frowned upon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
In reply to: crazy4bk
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 4:27pm
that's soooo true girl! be careful who you confide in, if you get the urge down the line. i have one friend i would trust with my life and that person knows all, but no one else, ever!!

come here and let us know if we can help, console, or advice.

see ya,

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
In reply to: crazy4bk
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 4:36pm
Thanks so much, life! =) I have not told a soul about my A, which is why this board is such a blessing. I'm not looking for encouragement, just an understanding ear, and some friendly advice, and this seems like the perfect place.

I used to have a best friend whom I told all my secrets too. In fact, when my OM and I started our A the first time around, 5 years ago, she knew about it. I believe she used it as an excuse to hit on my husband and eventually have an A with him. Needless to say we're no longer friends. After that I've found it very difficult to trust anyone, especially women.

crazy4bk

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
In reply to: crazy4bk
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 4:44pm
well, no wonder! that's not a friend, that's a predator. hey honey, live and learn right. we're here if you need us!

life