Hi, I used to post here, need support

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Hi, I used to post here, need support
3
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 5:50pm
Hi all. I used to post. Was in an A with MM, I am MW. Some may remember me it was a little over a year ago. We had told each other "I love you" and we planning on someday, when he decided he needed to work on his M. I was heartbroken but we remained friends, he would call me once a week and we would chat. We have a business together. So 6 months go by and his mom is very very ill. He called me, I asked if he was ok and he said "no thats why I called you, I needed you" That was the first hint he still had feelings for me.

A few months later we were together for the first time in months and he acted jealous of a guy at work, then about a month later we were together alone and of course there was no stopping it. He told me he had thought about it alot since we had broken up, how good it was between us. By this point his marriage was falling apart. Mine was in limbo land, we are like roomates I am just looking for a good time to leave. A month later, his DW asked for a divorce, she was seeing someone. He was devastated. I am still not sure if it was that he felt that much for her or just that he got dumped. He asked me if I would ever think of having him back. I said yes, after he healed. We decided to be FWB, then sometimes he would call that off as he was worried he would hurt me but within a week he would be past that. For the last 3 months we have been going along smoothly. He gets jealous of guys, talks about the future and begs me to come see him, we live 4 hours apart, on a regular basis. Their divorce is final, and his kids are getting to know me, and his parents know me. He makes comments in front of his friends, that identyfies me as "his" and he is affectionate, and cuddly with me. He is the greatest guy actually, she is nuts for dumping him.

Last week he was talking about how concerned he was about me dumping him some day. I told him won't happen, but without saying the big L word how do you convince him. He has said he does not want to hear the L word right now as it would feel like pressure. I have told him right now he just needs to heal and he knows I care about him. He calls me 4-5 times a day.

Here comes the part i need support on. LAst night he started talking about dating other women. He said this once before, 4 months ago and has yet to ask anyone out. He was upset about a lot of stuff last night and so I tend to think it was just a way to push me away. We have had some highly emotionally charged times together lately and I think he paniced at getting too close. He is truly afraid of me hurting him or him hurting me. What do you all think? I don't really think, when it came down to it he would but until my divorce is final I can't ask him not to. Actually, it might be good if he did, make him realize what we have. I don't know, I am just a little off balance and I always got so much support here. HELP!

SOrry this got so long! THanks if your still reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 4:39pm
very

I think deep down you probably know what the best advice is...go your separate ways until you are divorced and he has dated others, and really, seriously, thought his life through...don't you think it would be in the best interest of both of you to get your own personal lives adjusted and in order before jumping into a full-time relationship with each other anyway? Let him go...it will hurt like hell, but wouldn't you rather KNOW, for sure, deep down in your heart that this man wants to be with YOU, and only YOU with NO doubts or insecurities whatsoever? Good luck...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 4:58pm
Are you getting divorced to be with him? If so, I wouldn't want him to date other women. Can you clarify all the acronyms for me? The only ones I have figured out are A, MM and NC. Is there a glossary somewhere? It's hard to understand everything otherwise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 5:01pm
It sounds a lot like your MM needs to find some confidence and strength for himself first.

Going back to work on his M is commendable. That's good, if not a good thing for you.

But when he needed someone, he called you. He needed more attention and affection from you than he was getting at home and he came back. That's kind of understandable.

What isn't is that he was devastated by his W cheating on him. Honestly, I keep praying my W will so it will make my D come quicker. I want out yesterday. I wouldn't be hurt at all, I'd wish her well, and that's because I truly want out. I'm guessing your MM wasn't quite sure what I wanted and had his hand forced.

Now he probably really is afraid of you dumping him. He broke things off with you once which means he may feel like you still have a "get out of the relationship free" card in your pocket.

He doesn't want to hear the "L" word because it feels like pressure? But he wants your assurance you won't drop him? Confused little bunny, isn't he? You don't ask for a commitment from someone you can't handle "the L word" with. That's just fishing for generic support. The whole thing smacks of being needy and just whining.

This might not be what you want to hear... but I say let him date whomever he wants. Odds are (to be honest) there aren't many women out there who will feed his ego the way he apparently wants it fed. I would guess he wants to threaten to date other people so that you will assure him it's just him and you.

Sorry... I wasn't going to answer this post because my opinion is really pretty negative. But since you posted about wanting some feedback... there it is.

rain