Hiding the reality - unable to confide..
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| Fri, 04-16-2004 - 1:21pm |
I'm not doing so good right now.
As some of you may know I've been in an affair with a MM for 4 years. He's currently in the process of divorcing his 2nd wife for me, not that I ever asked him - his choice.
Everything was reasonably all well and good but for one reason and another which I'd rather not talk about right now, I told him I wanted us to split a couple of weeks back.
His reaction wasn't pretty and again confirmed to me why we should try and walk away from this.
We'd been in a process of re-building our relationship since he filed for divorce, as just after engaging his lawyers I discovered that he'd badly let me down/broke my trust again and because of that I'd decided that I didn't want us sleeping together until I felt I could trust him again, and that we'd gotten ourselves somewhat back on track.
The same weekend that I discovered he'd let me down again was the weekend I'd told my parents about MM and I. They were anything but happy about it so in effect it was a double blow to me. However of late, they have been coming round to the idea of him and I and what we have been doing for the last 4 years and the idea of us as a couple in the future. Its not easy for them, but they are getting there, slowly but surely.
I know that they would vapourise him if they knew what he's done to me in the past and of late and I can't say I'd blame them, but I just don't think I could tell them what's happened recently (and previously during our affair) - sometimes its just easier not to, it feels that way to me right now.
It's barely 2 months since his betrayal and on Tuesday we spent the night together for the first time since and again, Wednesday night too. They were both amazing nights, but I can't help but feel something just ain't right. I can't get rid of this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I've laid myself open to hurt again, opened up to him again.
The hurt he's caused still feels raw and it will for a long time. There is no-one I can confide in about this in my normal life, as we are supposed to be heading to the stage whereby we begin to tell people that we're together as ultimately no-one knows about the affair/relationship we've had and are having.
My problem is that I'm probably just scared of getting my heart broken again, but thats just a risk everyone has in a relationship I suppose.
I've never stoppped loving him and I never will...but there's just so much else going on that I'm trying to deal with and now since those nights we've spent together, I feel like I'm back at square one - like I've somehow let myself down.
I am probably well out of order posting as I probably have no right to moan like this.
Why do I take complete leave of my senses when he's about no matter how strong I try to be, even after 4 years?
Nothing's ever simple these days.
Much love and light to everyone and apologies for rambling on.
S. xx

you need to step back away from this man and get your own act together. once MM is free to play around without the shackles of marriage, he'll be dogging it every night and not with you honey. you deserve better too.
keep your self-respect and dignity around you and tell MM to take a hike, out of your life.
be strong and stay safe. (if you ever sleep with MM again, and i pray you don't, please, please, please use condoms!!)
life
That feeling in the pit of your stomach is your woman's intuition....listen to it and RUN not walk away! Four years is a long time but your concious knows what is right, listen to it
deedee
You are not at all out of order. You're welcome to ramble as you like and moan as loudly as you wish. Every regular poster here has those days where we just have to vent to others who understand, or at minimum, listen/read. I really share your sentiments about not being able to confide... this is really my only outlet too, and I'm grateful every day that I found these folks.
As usual, I'll toss in my male perspective. This time, however, it agrees with both ladies posting so far -- that feeling certainly sounds like intuition, and after all this time, you definitely deserve more if he did in fact cheat on you.
One thing that kind of strikes me... this is an anonymous board. No one really knows you. Yet you chose to leave information out that you'd "rather not talk about." I'm concerned that whatever that information was (which is private and certainly your right to keep as such) is information that would significantly color opinions from other posters. If so, if whatever happened is something you don't want to share because it makes the MM look bad... well, I'm sure it's obvious what my point is.
That feeling that you've let yourself down... maybe you have. But the beautiful thing is that you don't have to do it again. You can forgive yourself, learn that you can trust your instincts about things, and start cutting the strings to this guy...
I hate to ditto bad news... but I totally agree: he's gonna be divorced, and if history is any guide (and male behavior is as predictable as it has been the last couple thousand years) I think he'll be sleeping around, sowing his wild oats while keeping things going with you. After all (assuming this is the case as it appears to be) you have let him get away with it before.
I disagree with those who say "once a cheater, always a cheater." I think there's plenty of reasons things happen besides just sex. But at some point... you gotta think about what you deserve, and after all the time you've waited -- at minimum -- you deserve his faithfulness.
Good luck.
rain
Thank-you all for your replies, you've all basically told me what I already know deep down - that my intuition is screaming to me "walk away or he's going to hurt you again".
He's never going to change, if I don't know that about him by now then I'm never going to.
I know now that I've let myself down again by being weak and sleeping with him so soon after (yes, you are all correct he did cheat on me) his betrayal.
I read something in Rain's reply that after 4 years, the least I deserve is his faithfulness...that's so true and he hasn't given that to me.
I guess all I can do is move on from this. I can't change what I've done, but as has been said to me, I don't have to let it happen to me again.
In respect of the information I've left out about recent events, it's not that I am being in anyway difficult but MM has been described by some as a hidden "abusive charmer" or some people may look at the relationship MM and I have now as displaying the early signs or traits of domestic violence. I don't want to seem like a fool to anyone and I should know better. I know I sound pathetic now, but this is the only way I can think to try and explain it.
I thought the way he can be to me sometimes is just down to his temper. I guess I'm wrong. :-(
Have a good day everyone and once again, thank-you all so much for letting me ramble on.
S. xx